How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

You're not going to apologise for calling her a bitch?

Your daughter was right. She may have retracted what she said to keep the peace, but long term she will drift away if you maintain this dynamic.

Yeah this. You told her “we’d” be going back to the hotel? She’s a grown fucking adult. YOU can go back to the hotel, but you don’t get to dictate what she does. I’d bet money on you being someone who infantilises her but refuses to admit it.

long and short of it is, if you want your daughter and you to have a good relationship, accept what she says, say sorry for everything she has been hurt by, tell her you love her and say you’ll do your best to work on any bad behaviour.

Is your daughter more important than your need to be right? Or is your need to be right more important than your daughter.

As you’re clearly currently leaning towards the last option, you need to ask yourself whether you might, indeed, be a little bit toxic

She was telling you about him "reluctantly"?

Ask yourself why she was reluctant. I think it's likely there has previously been a pattern where you criticise/belittle/mock things that are important to her so she doesn't feel comfortable being open with you. And you then cemented it further by doing the same on this occasion.

If she is only sharing information about her boyfriend "reluctantly", making a joke out of him was never going to be helpful, was it?

If my dc, who I had a good relationship with until then, was telling I’m toxic, the last thing in my mind would be to think they are a ‘bitch’.

Id be worried about them. I’d be wondering what’s going on in their life. I’d be talking to them.p, trying to understand what’s going on.

I wouldn’t try and ‘assert boundaries’ by telling them that either they start behaving or I’m leaving.

There is more going on. And I dont believe your relationship was ‘good’ before your dd left. Something else has been going on.

As someone who has limiting chronic illness, I’m not sure what was your point of mentioning that.

but if your daughter is 19 and has been living abroad for a year already your relationship may not be as good as you think it is.

Living abroad, even as an 18yo, says nothing about her relationship to her mum.

Christ, don't drag the poor 14 year old into it! She has to live with her mum and therefore probably needs to placate her, given that her mum is the kind to call her children "bitches". She shouldn't be asked to take sides in this.

This is a very good post.

OP, I would try to find a way to see behind the hurtful emotions & words.

One way or another, she's trying to tell you something.

No, you didn't handle it well - but that, in itself, is ok. You made a mistake. Apologise properly, and let her know you are open to hearing more.

Agree with @VillageOnSmile I have an 18yo daughter. If I’d not seen her for ages and she was behaving in an out of character way, and lashing out my response would not be to label this as ‘being a bitch’ but to worry that something was wrong and whether I could help. Don’t get me wrong teens can absolutely be self centred; grumpy and all that stuff, but if your relationship was previously good, it seems odd that your first thought was to ‘blame’ and dismiss rather than worry.

I also think time away from family is often the first time you spot unhealthy family patterns: your daughter may have seen stuff you are so used to that it’s invisible. My teen kids have both been able to tell me stuff I do that they don’t find helpful: it’s been really useful to reflect on. They were both right: they were patterns I’d unknowingly learnt from my parents and repeated. I would sit down with your daughter and be genuinely ready to listen. Is there anything she’s worrying about; anything she’s been reflecting on in your relationship or her childhood. Don’t respond, don’t defend yourself, just listen. Give her the space.

@Devonshiregal

RTFT. Or at least OP's posts. The 'we' referred to OP & the younger sister. Still probably not the best response but not accurate to be ranting at OP about.

How can you not see you're toxic when you call your daughter a bitch, and then even stand by it later on after having had the chance to reflect? I don't think that's normal at all. If I used a word like that in the heat of a moment, or even just thought it in my head, I'd feel regret afterwards.

My teen kids have both been able to tell me stuff I do that they don’t find helpful: it’s been really useful to reflect on. They were both right: they were patterns I’d unknowingly learnt from my parents and repeated.

Me too. I'm a single parent & people often say 'oh you are doing a great job'. I may be trying my best, but I often don't do a great job, and I have to face that. I can over-react, get too angry, feel too emotional as the burden of everything is on me. None of which makes for great parenting in that moment. My saving grace (I hope) is that I acknowledge it, say sorry & listen.

Thank you

@AmandaHoldensLips

bollocks to that!

we can expect decency and respect from our children at the very least!

do you treat your mother like shit because she forced a life onto you that you didn’t ask for?

I find it interesting that OP says that she thinks it's ok to call her daughter a bitch, doesn’t see any need to apologise for it, but expects a continued relationship with her.

If I called a friend a bitch in anger, I'd fully expect the friendship to be over. Because adults don't hang around with people who insult them.

When her daughters were children, the OP could (and seemingly did) call them whatever she wanted without any comeback, because they didn't have the option of exiting the relationship. She's their mum, so they were stuck, a captive audience who had no choice but to absorb the insults.

Now one of her daughters is an adult, and she is probably realising that she doesn't have to put up with it any more. She has the option to walk away when another adult calls her a bitch. And that is what she'll do, sooner or later, if the dynamic doesn't change.

A mother who makes a joke out of her daughter's relationship, then calls her daughter a bitch when she reacts, is not showing any respect for her daughter.

I didnt think mine would either tbf

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist

i wasn’t referring to OP, just thinking in general.

Thank you for all the replies. I shall now be leaving the thread.

I have apologised and my dd knows she can talk to me if she feels I am toxic about specific reasons and I will listen.

I have took on board lots of points on here to reflect over. Obviously you are only getting a snippet of our lives to judge. I do think the term toxic is banded about too lightly. We as parents are people too, sone of you think we should just take whatever is thrown at us by our children and accept that.

Your daughter probably feels the term 'bitch' is bandied around too lightly too.

Good luck building an adult relationship with her.

Gosh you barely engaged with any of the useful advice. A few one-liners here & there.

Your choice of course. I wouldn't get hung up on the word 'toxic' but focus on your relationship. You haven't handled this well but hopefully will go back to your DD and try again. Good luck.

'Toxic' might be bandied about a lot but a stopped clock is right twice a day.

I think your last line is particularly revealing.

Don’t ever call your daughter a bitch. I can’t see how calling loved ones names ever helps a difficult situation. Focus on the specific action that you’re upset about-not insult who they are. Talk of ‘losing it’ and storming off all sounds very dramatic-don’t model that sort of behaviour to your children. If something she does upsets you, then tell her why you’re upset and try to sort it out. Try to gently probe what’s behind what she said-don’t be dismissive but see if you think she has a point. She may say she didn’t mean it because she doesn’t want to deal with all the aggro she’s going to get.

OP you're still here, I'd like to offer some words of comfort.

I have 3 adult children and 4 adult nephews and nieces, and over the years, I've had occasional insults like this from some of them, for holding apparently outdated and toxic views. They're all highly educated, doing very well, and of course they think they know it all, but I guess we did as well when we were that age.

My advice is not to overthink this. Unconditional love prevails in the end.

I think this speaks volumes, OP. Well done for posting, but I hope you listen to what everyone is saying. When my DC act up I might think they are being total dickheads, but it's not helpful to say it to them. My mother said things like that to me a lot, and all it did was tell me that even my own mother didn't like me.

Rethink the language you use to your children. Rethink the space you're giving them to disagree with you. Rethink how you've framed this whole event.

I hope you can, as I'm NC with my mother after years of this kind of thing.

Love this book. Especially the way the author explains rupture and repair. As a mother to adult children now having babies I have spoken to them and have said I’m happy to discuss anything that comes up for them about how I parented them. I know I wasn’t perfect and have felt guilty about some of my actions but after reading this book now have confidence that coming from a place of love any ruptures made will hopefully be healed and that has given me great comfort!!