How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

How was your relationship before she went to live abroad? Sometimes adult children find it tricky fitting back in again when they come home. I know this from experience, my child used to come back from uni around that age and we'd argue within the first day or so because I think he was just used to his own environment.

I think that there's something else going on in your relationship, the name calling points to that.

I don’t want to say why she was upset but it was nothing (outing). I will take on board about telling her she was being a bitch. My thinking is if your being a bitch you will be told but will reconsider this.

I don’t know the answer to this.

Is your user name a clue here? Do you feel as the mother you are in charge? It’s sounds like a really stressful mother daughter relationship and some issues have built up over the years. The Philippa Perry book - the book you wish your parents had read is really good. We can act in ways that are toxic without knowing it often due to our own parenting.

It was great.

I agree but am not sure how this is relevant.

@Madamqueenofeverything

'I said she was being a bitch which she was and had been since I arrived.'

'I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel'

If your reaction to someone expressing an opinion you don't like is to call them a bitch and refuse to engage in conversation your daughter has a point.

Also she is no longer a child that you can order around.

Your daughter moved abroad and it sounds like she has time when away from the family dynamic to reflect on things that bother her.

You shut her down rather than try to listen to her point of view. This is not the way to deal with this unless you want your daughter to drift further away from you.

I notice that you mention you are chronically ill. That can be difficult for kids to deal with. I had a father who had long term health issues (physical and mental) and that affected our relationship badly. He was always short tempered, moody and took out his anger on me. Also everything had to revolve around his needs, everyone had to be quiet and we never did anything fun together as a family. I also left home and moved abroad and had very little contact with my parents as an adult.

Has she got a new boyfriend/partner?

if this has come out of the blue, it maybe that someone is pulling her chain somewhere

Thanks I’ll take a look.

So why would her little sister need to come back to the hotel with you. She is 14, she could have stayed out with her sister. I'm sorry but you do come across as controlling.

From your point of view, your daughter might see things differently.

The only thing to do here is to ask her why she believes you're a toxic mother and how, but you need to be prepared to actively listen and take on board what she says. Go away and think about it, don't emotionally react immediately to what she says or there's a risk you'll deny/dismiss her experiences and end up arguing which will driver her further away.

When adult children move out, often they develop a new perspective on things about their home life with parents and realise that things they accepted 'just because' don't need to be that way.

If, for example, you're in the habit of calling your daughter words like 'bitch', she may have now realised how unacceptable this is.

Yep new boyfriend, that's what she lost her cool about. I did say to dh that I thought someone might be winding her up as its such a change from how our relationship was.

I have to say from the interaction you’ve described here, you are a bit toxic?

If you’re not able to have a difficult conversation with your own daughter without calling her a bitch and threatening to go back to the hotel, you need to take a good look in the mirror. That’s not normal or healthy.

Is it possible she has spent her whole life suppressing her real feelings and thoughts for fear of earning your disapproval and wrath ( being called a bitch).

Because that absolutely sounds toxic to me.

It means she has been playing a role her whole life to please you.

I have asked and she has told me she doesnt mean it.

calling her a bitch, whether you feel it’s deserved or not, is completely abhorrent. If she’s behaving that way, you should have said “look, what’s going on here/ is there something you want to talk about etc because you’re being off etc”

not if she’s a bitch I’ll call her a bitch. It’s so misogynistic and nasty.

I wonder with your illness - do you get looked after? Or is it all on your shoulders? Sounds like you have had to cope with a lot - illness and raising two kids.

Does a small part of you now expect your daughters to step up and be supportive of you? At 19 they aren’t really focused on that and she might feel a sense of needing to let go of that responsibility. And that’s ok as our kids are not here to look after us. I’m sure she loves you but also really wants to get on with her own life?

Thank you for all the answers. Lots to think about.

You called your older daughter a bitch in front of your teenager.

That is fairly toxic.

Yes, it’s a tricky stage, when you’ve started to grasp independence, had your first real taste of how other people live, and return home to find your family haven’t kept up, and are intent on putting you back in your usual box.

I’d have a gentle conversation and try to figure out what’s going on.

I may be overstretching and way out of whack here, but if you're chronically ill and she was acting in some way as your carer or had other family responsibilities when she was living at home, maybe it's all too much for her when she sees a deterioration in your health when you visit and you're unable to do what you used to do? Maybe she feels like she may be pulled back home to help now that she's started to make her own life? I think its time for a calm chat, no name calling, and listening and reflection.

I disagree with recommending the Phillips Perry book. I think it's badly written and clearly from someone only used to raising a single well behaved girl in a privilidged household. It's so smug.
I only read it all because it was my book club book. Everyone in our book club thought the same

apologising in front of both daughters would model good behaviour eg I’m so sorry what I called your yesterday. It was unacceptable. I need to work on my temper. Can we try and have a nice day together?’

its one of the bestselling books out there so plenty like it! I thought it raised some very good points and stand by my recommendation.