How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

My mother said things like that to me a lot, and all it did was tell me that even my own mother didn't like me.

I agree, having experienced it from my mum too.

In my view, using derogatory names to a child who doesn't have the option of walking away and exiting the relationship is an abuse of power. If you wouldn't want your child to call you names (e.g. 'toxic'), don't do it to them. And if you want a relationship with them as adults, definitely don't do it.

Another one who also experienced it.

And when I raised it I was told I was "over sensitive". A phrase, I have to admit, I was wondering if OP would use ...

Let me help you with this. We have every right to expect everything from our child that we would expect from any other adult. Civility, consideration, politeness, emotional maturity for a start. We have every right not to expect or put up with flouncing and name calling. We have every right to defend ourselves against any of this crap if we don't believe it to be true. Our children are not more important than us. They are just flawed people same as we all are.
OP do you have good relationships with most other people in your life? If so you are not toxic, so knock that idea on the head double quick.
Does your dd have good relationships with others? Thought not. People who label others and then storm off seldom do. PS. Try not to call her a bitch again.

We have every right to expect everything from our child that we would expect from any other adult. Civility, consideration, politeness, emotional maturity for a start. We have every right not to expect or put up with flouncing and name calling. We have every right to defend ourselves against any of this crap if we don't believe it to be true. Our children are not more important than us. They are just flawed people same as we all are.

Agreed, but children also have the right to expect the same

You might try reading the thread....

Op you were brave and honest posting here. Good luck with it all x

Wow @RedHelenB - so smug.

I hope you're right that your children would never behave like that, but don't bet the farm on it.

My relationship with Daughter 1 was precious, I adored her, thought the sun shone etc etc. Then, in her late 20s she's rounded upon me. Everything I'd done was wrong (independent schools, foreign holidays - I'm not talking abuse here). I still have no idea where it came from but it felt as though she'd seen an incompetent therapist who'd left her with stuff to dump on me.

I'm not over it & never will be. I still feel so betrayed and humiliated, that I wasted so much of the time that I devoted to her. It has radically altered my feelings for and my view of her.

Have you ever called your DD a bitch before? If you have that’s a very toxic thing to do and an awful thing for your DD to hear. If you haven’t then it seems very strange behaviour and your DD may be too shocked & hurt to tell you how she feels.
I have never sworn or name called any of my children regardless of how challenging they’ve been. I think if I suddenly called my DDs a bitch they’d be very worried about me tbh.

I don’t want to say why she was upset but it was nothing (outing).

Not nothing to her, clearly.

You said things to her too, she's said in hindsight she didn't mean it, if she has apologised I would just move on and get over it by pretending to be over it. If you die on this hill I would probably lean towards thinking she was onto something and wasn't that far off the truth... Just saying. Better to move on for everybody involved. We all say things we don't mean sometimes, just like how you say nobody is perfect. Take her at that same value and understand she may be dealing with her own issues and taking it out on you. May be worth trying to see where it came from by speaking to her in a non confrontational way asking her to tell you so you can work on it if she actually thinks it.

Moving away and having freedom comes with big mentality changes especially at such a young age, she's seeing lots of the world and might just be getting tetchy when she sees you as she feels "back under control". I'm sure it'll pass, but you have to let it rather than go on about it and drag it out. All the best

My mother called me a bitch on my 11th birthday. She meant it, too. To this day neither myself or my two brothers - who were/are as horrified as I was - can understand why she did.

I've never forgiven her for it and I've been very low contact with her now for 25 years.

So she is talking reluctantly, but instead of taking the hint and changing the subject, you both kept on asking questions and then, to top it, you made a ‘joke’ at her expense? That was hardly sensitive when she was clearly already not really wanting to talk about all this.

I’m not surprised she saw red.

You insulted her and her boyfriend by “joking” that he was a married man and she was his affair partner. She was understandably upset, hurt, and angry. You refer to your insulting joke as “nothing.” And then you got angry at her for being justifiably upset with you and called her a bitch.

Yes, you are toxic.

If my mother ever called me a bitch I don’t think I’d ever speak to her again. Especially if she had insulted me with a “joke” like that.

This is your answer. If this has been your opinion for her entire life then your attitude towards her will have been toxic.

I agree.

Paying for private education and foreign holidays does not mean you were not toxic. (It's why the thread about adult children from abusive families is called "But we took you to stately homes ....")

What was the "stuff" she dumped on you? Interesting you don't mention that.

The way you're replying here makes me feel painfully for your daughter.

This is sad

I think you red fi work on your end of the relationship op and not use words such as ‘bitch’

Don’t get defensive. Listen. You are the parent and can work to resolve this

What a wonderful and powerful thing to do for your children. It would mean a huge amount for my mum to say this to me. We are really close and I think she was actually quite ahead of her time in her approach, but there are still a few things that have come up for me since I became a mother myself. I'd love to talk about them but I'm worried about upsetting her or making her feel bad.

Given that the OP said, "My thinking is if your being a bitch you will be told", I would hazard a guess that this is not the first time she's used verbal abuse/insults against her children.

She doesn't seem to see it as out of the ordinary, and despite saying that she will reconsider her approach, she doesn't appear to see it as something that warrants a proper apology.

Jesus. The self absorption of this. Thinking it’s ok to call her children bitches ‘because they are behaving like one’, but not thinking her children can do the same back as OP ‘shouldn’t have to take it’.

I really noticed on this thread, on a site noted for its ‘robustness’ that many posters were really talking very gently to OP, as if they were scared she would flounce if they did not. I suspect OP has mastered the skill, even if unconsciously, of manipulating people to interact with her like this.

It’s very sad for the dd

I suspect she’s realising hence the toxic remark

even without that she still minimised what her daughter was saying. Shut her down. And has come on here asking how she can get over the offends her daughter has issued at her. Why not wonder how she can sort things out

19 isn't really an adult. It's the start of transitioning into adulthood. It's a difficult age.

Calling someone 'toxic' isn't nearly as bad as calling someone a 'bitch'. If she can get over being called a 'bitch', then you really don't have a leg to stand on to be offended because she called you 'toxic'.

The op asked for help so I think people have mostly tried to be helpful