How to get past adult child calling me toxic?

[Madamqueenofeverything]

Dd 19 moved abroad a year ago. I thought we had a good, close relationship. Shes been home a couple if times and I’ve visited a couple if times too. I was really looking forward to seeing her on my last visit, as soon as we met she was prickly. She then blew up over nothing and stormed off. Next day was mother’s day, she planned a trip out for us, we met and she started going off on one again, I calmly said if you start again today we are going back to the hotel. She then lost it and told me I’m toxic and shes realised since she lived away, she also said I want everything my own way (I’m chronically ill). I told her to stop being and bitch and list it myself at this point. She got out of the taxi and stormed off. We went back to the hotel.

I can’t get past her calling me toxic. I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect, who is? I want to move on but I’m struggling. She has said she didn't mean it but I’m struggling to believe that.

If you've got this far Thank you, advice please.

even without that she still minimised what her daughter was saying. Shut her down

Yes I agree.

But my comment was specifically about your rant to OP about using 'we' without reading her posts properly. You were wrong

Oh it’s incredibly popular these days to have “toxic” or “narcissistic” parents. I have teenage step-siblings and in-laws and have heard these words many times thrown about in teenage fits of rage. I wouldn’t worry about it.

I haven’t heard parents call their kids bitches many times. Parents are more mature than teenagers and hopefully act like it.

I didnt know how toxic my mum was until i left home may be your daughter is seeing it now.

Are you really reading what the OP has said in this thread, and your take is that her daughter is the problem?!

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She then blew up over nothing and stormed off

I told her to stop being a bitch and lost it myself at this point

I can’t get past her calling me toxic

I said she was being a bitch which she was and had been since I arrived

My thinking is if your being a bitch you will be told

No I wont be doing that (in response to a suggestion that a proper apology should be made)

she had just told us about [her boyfriend] reluctantly. She was telling us all about her friend who is seeing a married man and I jokingly said, hes not married too is he while laughing

sone of you think we should just take whatever is thrown at us by our children and accept that

Just posting to thank all those who've said it's awful calling your daughter a bitch and you wouldn't get over that. My mother did just that, and punched me, for not doing what she wanted me to do (ordinary inconsequential thing, that harmed nobody else by not doing and I just didn't feel like doing). I have found it difficult to be around her since. She's never even apologised, not that that would make it ok. It's been really helpful to hear how bad this situation is.

My mum could have written something like the first post, and yep, my mum is toxic.

I'm going to hazard a guess you tend to assume negative things about your dd. Hence the 'joke' about her bf being married. Why would he be? Why would you assume that? How is it a joke? That's probably why she blew up as she's had enough.

Also calling someone a bitch is toxic.

I agree with this. Jokes are funny because they reflect things that we feel to be true.

That ‘joke’ about the daughter can only have been made if it reflected things that the mother/ family felt to be true about the daughter. Perhaps that she was seen as not being capable of securing a proper relationship, only good enough as an affair partner. Whatever it was reflecting, it was not reflecting a loving or high opinion of her daughter. And her daughter knew it.