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Parents of adult children

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Son moving away

270 replies

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 10:40

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

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ViciousCurrentBun · 05/02/2024 11:32

I’m guessing you just want to have a vent.

My DS is 22 and moving out this year and will be moving but not as far away. I get it but we have to get on with it. You can’t say things like you don’t have to because you risk ostracising him. So be sad but also think about what you are saying.

Are you in a relationship and what’s your social and work life like? Concentrate on those areas.

All I will be saying is always a room here for you if needed.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 11:47

ViciousCurrentBun thank you .. we are in N. I so it’s a good distance away … just can’t stop crying and thinking he’ll never be home again.
This life is shite … I don’t want to be here no more

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PickledOnionsRodger · 05/02/2024 12:30

This sounds tough. It sounds like classic "empty nest" syndrome. I'm sure he is finding it very hard too. It's a long distance and I expect you're worried about losing touch, and perhaps feeling lonely? You also say "this life is shite... I don't want to be here". This is super worrying, can you talk to someone about this and get some help? It sounds like you're depressed. It feels like more is going on than just your son moving away- I suspect there is a root cause you need to tackle. Maybe you're putting a lot of reliance and your mental wellbeing on your son?

More directly related to your son, can you put in some structure so that you both see each other? For example, arrange for you to visit him in the summer. And ask if he can come to yours for Xmas? It's going to be hard on him too, but it is normal for adult children to move away and see parents less. Especially during uni. Perhaps getting some dates in the diary will help, and not leaving it all on him to visit you.

One thing you want to avoid is making him feel guilty- this is a great opportunity for him, and will open many doors, you don't want to hold him back. My friend's DC didn't leave home or go to uni because they didn't want to leave their mum. They're now working in a minimum wage bar job. The area she lives has terrible employment prospects. Maybe try to think about what's best for your son in the long term? Make sure he doesn't feel responsible for you or your happiness, you have control of this and you can do it! You can get through this. Change and adjustment is hard, but it's doable. Have strength.

It will also help if you have your own life and social circle. Do you have a job you can throw your time into or some hobbies? Find some other passion or interest to fill your time, so you can start enjoying life and having a purpose.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 12:48

PickledOnionsRodger hi thanks for reply … he’s not going to uni his girl is … he’s just following her.
i work full time, social life is non existent,
plus currently going through the menopause and down with pneumonia so am signed off work at the minute.
He talks about getting a job though he hasn’t trained in anything… just extremely worried that he’s going to be alone for most of his time while his girl is at classes. We have no family or friends there to support him

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VanCleefArpels · 05/02/2024 12:50

Give your head a wobble OP - did you really think he would live with you for the rest of his life? The fact that he his maintaining a serious relationship and is confident enough to move to a completely new area is a COMPLIMENT to you and the way you have brought him up. This is what all those hard years were inevitably leading up to. Pat yourself on the back before you give him a cheery wave, plan a fun visit to the seaside and relish the opportunity an empty nest brings to YOU.

crumblingschools · 05/02/2024 12:54

Don't be that possessive mum. However, you can be practical mum. Ask how they are going to afford living in Brighton, especially if GF is a student.

What is his plan when he moves? Does he work now? Brighton is an expensive place, seem to see it come up as one of the expensive university places when trying to find accommodation. If he isn't working can't imagine GF will put up with him long. Will he cope with her having student life and him working?

Acrosstheeuniverese · 05/02/2024 13:01

"He talks about getting a job though isn't trained in anything... just extremely worried that he's going to be alone most of the time while his girl is at classes. We have no family or friends there to support him."

Has he had a job before? Not to sound harsh but it isn't the girlfriend's job to keep him company all day.
She's going to uni and he should be busying himself with training/working and he'll make new friends along the way.
If it doesn't work out then he can come back home to you.

SallyWD · 05/02/2024 13:11

Brighton is a great place to live for young people. Loads going on, lots of cool bars, cafes etc, plenty of job opportunities. He's happy and in love. Wish him well! If it doesn't work out, he'll come home. If it does work out then all's good.
I'm sorry but your lack of social life and menopause symptoms are not reasons for him to stay in his home town forever. I really do sympathise with you but I do hope you haven't been saying "I don't want to be here anymore" to him. That would be such awful emotional blackmail to put on his shoulders.
Don't get me wrong, I'm also going to struggle when my children leave home but you need to see it as opportunity to expand your life a little. Find ways to fill the hole. You seem to be making him responsible for your happiness and well being and it's just not fair on him.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 13:13

crumblingschools that’s my fear, that she’ll be moving on making friends and he’ll be left.
He works at the minute and is planning to get a job out there but what happens if he doesn’t.
I honestly can’t see him coming home if he can’t get a job

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Concernemum · 05/02/2024 13:15

SallyWD no I haven’t said that to him and never would.. I’ve told him he is free to come home at any point but I didn’t want him going

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Concernemum · 05/02/2024 13:17

I see his friends going out clubbing, working, passing driving tests, going on lads holidays. He’s never done any of them things

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crumblingschools · 05/02/2024 13:53

Is there a reason why he doesn't do those sort of things?

AuntieMarys · 05/02/2024 14:01

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 13:17

I see his friends going out clubbing, working, passing driving tests, going on lads holidays. He’s never done any of them things

Why???

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:11

AuntieMarys he doesn’t want to learn to drive, doesn’t see much of his friends anymore. His life revolves around this girl, they work together aswell, both living in her parents house. I tell him when am off work could we meet up, offer to go and collect him drop him off again, get shot down. If and when he comes for a visit either her or her mum drop him off and pick him up again

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Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:12

crumblingschools his life revolves around this girl

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JustWonderingIfImNormal · 05/02/2024 14:22

I really feel for you.
It doesn’t sound like you are possessive, it sounds like his girlfriends parents are. They drop him off to you and they are moving with your son and their daughter (did I get that right - it’s not just your son moving away with his girlfriend, her family are going too). I think as much as people on here are saying it will be fine etc, in reality this is every parent of a sons worst nightmare. The in-laws have already taken over.
All you can do is try and keep communication open with your son and make visiting you as appealing as possible. Play to the things he enjoys. Also stay friendly with his girlfriend and show an interest in her. They both need to feel coming home to you as appealing.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:34

JustWonderingIfImNormal hi no it’s just him and her moving away… haven’t even met his gf or her parents… am tired asking 😥

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crumblingschools · 05/02/2024 14:36

How old is GF? How long have they been together?

Advice400 · 05/02/2024 14:39

It's hard. I've been there and I fully understand. However, you must let him go.

Be proud that you've brought up an independent son.

A friend and I started a woman's circle group when I was in this situation. Bereft almost. It really helped me. So look for things to fill your days - work, hobbies, new ideas.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:43

crumblingschools roughly a year .. he moved into her parents after 6 months… packed his bags.. told me he was moving out via text message… was just coping with that and now this

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Advice400 · 05/02/2024 14:44

I should add my son did learn to drive but he never went on any lads holidays or clubbing.

He left for a work opportunity and has never looked back.

It was fast and I had expected him to go to Uni and we would have those three years of slow release leaving (where holidays students tend to return home). That didn't happen. He was 18.

He's late 20s now and still keeps in touch with a group of school and college mates as well has having local friends and work friends now but still doesn't go clubbing, drink much or go on lads holidays.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:44

Advice400 so very hard

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Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:46

Advice400 he doesn’t do anything like that now … just likes to drop bombs … all by text message.. won’t answer his phone or anything

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Advice400 · 05/02/2024 14:47

It is but you do want independent children. Let him know home will always be home, and let him fly.

Do you use WhatsApp? We have a family group on there with both children. We don't always hear from them but we all post comments when things happen and send photos. It's a nice way to keep in touch with what's going on in each others lives.

Allthingsdecember · 05/02/2024 14:48

I’m sorry, that all sounds really hard and it’s natural to worry.

This happened with my MIL, just in slightly different circumstances (we had both just finished university when we moved away).

Please try to be supportive, even if you are sad. My MIL reacted with emotional blackmail and temper tantrums… this was over ten years ago and her relationship with DH still hasn’t fully recovered.

Let him know he’ll always have a home to return to and offer to help him move or arrange to visit him once he’s settled. He might be home in 6 months or she could be your future DIL. Either way, don’t alienate him by being unsupportive Flowers