Son moving away

[Concernemum]

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

I wondered about this as well.

As someone who lived with one emotionally distant parent and a loving parent but they had severe mental health problems, I think you must have done a marvellous job of raising him. I do dread the day mine leave and of course, I want them close, but I would hate for them to feel the guilt I felt when I left home.

If I were the parents of his girlfriend then I would be more worried her boyfriend (with no other interests) is following her to uni.

So would I @Foxface21

@Concernemum

however I feel that something is completely off about him following his gf to Brighton, the lifts to and from his home , his reluctance to chat etc. I’ve asked him to urge on the side of caution and to go for the right reasons, he feels that he is.

I think you still aren't getting what a lot of us are saying. Yes, there may very well be something 'off' in his relationship with this girl and/or her family. But the bottom line is there is nothing you can do about it. By 'urging him to be cautious' and 'go for the right reasons' all you're doing is pushing him further and further away from you and towards them. And the further away you push him the more unlikely it is that he will confide in you or ask you for help should things go wrong. So just stop. He knows how you feel, you've spoken loud and clear. You don't have to signal approval, but you can stop criticizing. It's hard and it will pain you, but it's the best and only thing you can do if you want to keep your relationship with him.

Unless he gets a job there, the relationship will founder very quickly anyway as she will have to support him on her student income. Universal credit will take it into account as earnings for the couple if he claims benefit. She is also likely to get into student life and be out all the time and possibly not wanting her non student bf out with her. I don't think you should send him ment as he's 22 and making this choice. Just let him know if it all goes wrong, he has a home still and you can pay air fare home if needed.

Other than that moving to Brighton would be fantastic if he can live and work there.

When I was 19 I moved from the east coast of England to northern Ireland
The ferry as a foot passengers quite cheap, flights then we're too so my mum would fly to see me while she could and I would fly home for Christmas and in my holidays from work.
It's doable if you all put the effort in to visiting
And these days it's easy to video call so you still feel a part of things

Me too Foxface21

You’re a mum, not a doormat.
Tell him, you meet his gf or you don’t fund him. I know it’s going to be hard to not help, I’m not telling you not to help. Hopefully he’ll pull his finger out and you’ll at the very least meet her although a lunch/dinner with her and her parents would be best

You haven't even met her yet? Have you asked him to bring her over?

How far away do they live? Where are you?

Who called you that?

You sound like you are trying to live your child's life for them, that is not healthy

They are not doing anything wrong, sure if my child did this I would miss them and hope they are OK but these are normal thoughts you seem obsessed

You’re a mum, not a doormat.
Tell him, you meet his gf or you don’t fund him.

I don't think he's asked for the OP to find him? From her posts it seems as though she's convinced herself that he will fail without her finding him so the decision to give money seems to be coming entirely from the OP. Many posters have pointed out that it's a poor choice on her part.

@Concernemum just wondering if his other family have met his GF?

Sorry that first paragraph should have been in bold

e all react differently but the professionals say 'Empty nest syndrome involves feelings of sadness, depression, loneliness, and grief endured by parents and caregivers after their kids leave home and begin taking care of themselves. It is a psychological condition (not a clinical condition or illness) that affects both parents.'

Your son is an adult. You don't need to support him financially any more, but you do need to stop harassing him. If anyone, related or not, pestered me with messages all day I would be going no contact.

Not at the moment no, everything is still very new and exiting for him. Brighton is a very vibrant town, with excellent night life, and the beach.
Give him a while. Be there for him when things are ot going so well.

That's true, but bombarding him with messages isn't going ro make him be in contact.

Same as heartbreak, yes it's real but we learn to manage our emotions.

If she's being called a narcissist and manipulative it's time to step back.

It's not normal to want your grown kids to stay at home.
As a parent, your duty is to set them up to live independently. Coming back home to visit should be a bonus, but if OP keeps pestering him, he won't want to visit.

If your son has grown up clueless about money and how much things cost, I'm afraid you have to accept some responsibility for that. Being able to manage money and budget is one of the basic life skills kids should learn from their parents. But if he does not know this stuff, he will very quickly pick it up when he is no longer cushioned by living at home.

OP is it possible that you subconsciously adopt a negative approach to things? By that I mean when your DS tells you news/plans etc... do you have a tendency to focus on the negative and/or what could go wrong? You may not even be aware of doing it - many people aren't. Maybe something to think about.

The reason I ask is that my DM was much like that and as a result, I would always make plans, do my own research, and make sure things were decided and a "done deal" before I told her anything.

You talk about your DS not knowing he will have to pay bills etc... well, as he has not been very communicative with you the last few months, how do you know he and his girlfriend haven't already looked into and discussed this type of thing? As he is living with his GF and her parents, they are surely aware of the intended move, and I would expect have likely been party to at least some conversations and planning. We don't know either way but don't just assume that because he hasn't had a conversation with you about something, he hasn't considered it or isn't aware of it.

Either way, he is a grown man and he will find his way. He is not the first and certainly won't be the last young man to venture off into the world and have to learn a few things the hard way. It's part of growing up and learning about life. Sure, they will probably find it tight for money etc... but so do millions of other people in their early 20's who are making their way in the world for the first time. Many of us have experienced living on beans on toast and lived to tell the tale!

Brighton is a great place for young people. I'm certain he won't have too much difficulty finding a job and he may well meet people that open his eyes up to career interests and opportunities. He may end up doing some further studying himself or whatever - the point is that often, moving somewhere new, meeting new people and broadening one's horizons can be the making of someone and it is how people often discover their path in life.

I'm sure there will be hiccups along the way, and he and his GF may or may not stay together, but ultimately, something like that is a win-win for him because it's life experience and he will learn and grow from it regardless of how the immediate plans work out.

As long as he knows he always has a loving home to return to if he needs it, then wish him well and be excited for him.