Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son moving away

270 replies

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 10:40

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 05/02/2024 14:48

You need to keep you door open @Concernemum

It will be very different life for them in Brighton, especially if GF is going to be at university, she will be making new friends, doing new things etc.

How are they planning to pay for accommodation? Will she be eligible for student loans?

Mabelface · 05/02/2024 14:53

3 out of my 4 children moved from the North to the South West of England around the same age. I did the same when I was 21. No regrets either.

2 of my lot are here for a few days. You do start to appreciate the quiet and tidiness very much!

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 14:55

crumblingschools she will have a grant of some sort and her grandad has given her money… He says they are both saving… Am try to make him see how expensive it is and how hard it will be to get and afford accommodation for both of them , as I don’t think galls will be an option as he won’t be a student.. All am hearing is it’ll be fine I’ll get a job, but as parents we know it’s not just as simple as that. Yes I can give him money but at same time I can’t sustain that in the long term

OP posts:
ssd · 05/02/2024 15:06

You've written about him before haven't you?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:09

ssd yes when he first moved into hers .. was dealing with it well and now this.. Nothing much has changed still haven’t met gf despite asking

OP posts:
Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:10

Am just so scared for him and the future

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 05/02/2024 15:12

At 22 it is completely normal to move away from home for good - most of us did it. He'll find a job, even if it's not very well paid. This is just a normal part of growing up, so well done him.

Acrosstheeuniverese · 05/02/2024 15:20

Your relationship sounds strained, what was it like before the girlfriend came on the scene, why do you think he's not introducing you to her?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:22

BeaRF75 just looking support !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:23

@Acrosstheeuniverese we had a very good relationship.. joked about took dogs etc for walks all the normal day to day stuff

OP posts:
Acrosstheeuniverese · 05/02/2024 15:35

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:23

@Acrosstheeuniverese we had a very good relationship.. joked about took dogs etc for walks all the normal day to day stuff

I wonder what all the secrecy is about then, you'd probably feel a lot better about it if he wasn't acting out of character.. have you tried explaining to him that you'd like to meet her.. what does he say about telling you big news over text and not answering his phone?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 15:42

@Acrosstheeuniverese he says he’s busy.. or working… or in the shower

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 05/02/2024 16:55

I wouldn’t be considering supporting him financially - if he wants to plough his own field then he has to do it himself. It’s our role as mums of adults to be there when the wheels fall off, nothing more. Let him do this, it may or may not be a success (I tend to agree with PP who say living with a student in Brighton has trouble written all over it) but it’s really not your call. And regardless of this girl this was always going to happen!

crumblingschools · 05/02/2024 17:16

@BeaRF75 I think it is slightly different when you haven't met the partner he has been with for a year.

If he doesn't have the decency to involve you with his life ie meet long term GF, I wouldn't be helping him finance this move, but would keep line s of communication open, just in case he is in a controlling relationship.

Has he said why he hasn't introduced the GF?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:08

@crumblingschools no he hasn’t. I’ve watts app him all day and he isn’t replying. It’s very hard for me not to support him financially as I feel that I need to know he has money for food, heat etc 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:10

@VanCleefArpels yes that is totally how I feel, can foresee a hell of a lot of problems.Finical support will be so I know he is safe, am not supporting his gf !!

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 05/02/2024 18:19

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:10

@VanCleefArpels yes that is totally how I feel, can foresee a hell of a lot of problems.Finical support will be so I know he is safe, am not supporting his gf !!

This will just enable him to avoid the reality of grown up life - not a good idea. At what age do you feel you wouldn’t do that? As I says you are a safety net not a piggy bank

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:23

@VanCleefArpels no am not a piggy bank but will give wat i can afford

OP posts:
titchy · 05/02/2024 18:29

Why don't you think he'll get a job? He's working now, Brighton is full of jobs. It sounds very sensible move tbh - given he's pretty much under the thumb of her parents. Some independence is very much needed.

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:37

@titchy he left school with AS levels hasn’t really trained in anything, at present is working in an oflicence so does have experience of shop assistant.
Yes in a way they are away from her parents her house and therefore no direct support, this is where I can foresee the problems will start especially as he hasn’t been the greatest with his own mental health.. you can understand therefore why I feel the need to be concerned and the need on my part to help HIM financially

OP posts:
titchy · 05/02/2024 18:58

He doesn't need to have trained for anything though - there a loads of minimum wage jobs in Brighton. Office work, bar work, supermarkets, etc etc. And it is a bloody fantastic town to be young in. They could have an absolute ball! If they split up you can always offer to send his air fare - he'll be very close to Gatwick (another source of many jobs!).

whitewallsoutside · 05/02/2024 19:01

It doesn't sound like moving to Brighton is the problem, more like he's in a long term relationship with a girl who seems to occupy all his time and who you haven't yet met. Ouch OP, that's really painful and totally understand why you're upset. If you have a close relationship with your son, it's not normal for him to be with someone for 12 months and not introduce you to each other. Why is he hiding you both from each other?

I think perhaps the focus is on the move when really it should be on why he seemingly doesn't want you to meet her?

To be honest it sounds like a very intense relationship. Do you think he's maybe being controlled by the gf and her family?

fleurneige · 05/02/2024 19:04

BeaRF75 · 05/02/2024 15:12

At 22 it is completely normal to move away from home for good - most of us did it. He'll find a job, even if it's not very well paid. This is just a normal part of growing up, so well done him.

Exactly, totally normal- and much earlier. What is not normal, is to make such a fuss. It's not as though he is moving to NZ or the other side of the world.

titchy · 05/02/2024 19:15

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 18:08

@crumblingschools no he hasn’t. I’ve watts app him all day and he isn’t replying. It’s very hard for me not to support him financially as I feel that I need to know he has money for food, heat etc 😞

To be blunt WhatsApping him all day, telling him how difficult it's going to be is going to be, how he'll never get a job and will need your money, how he'll never manage to get somewhere to live will be playing hell with his MH. You're infantilising him, telling him he won't cope (without your help?) - don't knock him down, build him up.

Tell him how excited you are for him, that it'll be a great adventure and that you're proud he's got the gumption to go.

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:19

@whitewallsoutside to a degree yes in that he is living in their house and they bring him home to me and then lift him again

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread