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Parents of adult children

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Son moving away

270 replies

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 10:40

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

OP posts:
LilyMumsnet · 07/02/2024 16:21

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. Flowers

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 16:40

@Violet1964 HOW VERY DARE you to come onto this thread and speak to someone like that!!! Just who the hell do you think you are !!!
Do not compare me to your mother and your very evident own failings !!!

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 07/02/2024 16:44

Don’t be this person! My mum is still pissed off I moved away and it’s been over a decade, her resentment has really affected our relationship! You need to support his choice, he’s an adult!

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 17:08

@ berksandbeyond not pissed of with him going but very concerned as he doesn’t realise how expensive things are. I.E in ni we don’t pay council tax, water rates, plus the expense of renting, food, electricity, heat etc

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 07/02/2024 17:14

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 17:08

@ berksandbeyond not pissed of with him going but very concerned as he doesn’t realise how expensive things are. I.E in ni we don’t pay council tax, water rates, plus the expense of renting, food, electricity, heat etc

Respectfully OP you’re creating problems that don’t exist (and you do pay rates and sewerage in NI). He’s an adult, let him get on with it and sink or swim, no matter how much that stings.

From your responses though and your DS pulling away, I do wonder whether your relationship with him was as good as you thought it was.

titchy · 07/02/2024 17:28

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 17:08

@ berksandbeyond not pissed of with him going but very concerned as he doesn’t realise how expensive things are. I.E in ni we don’t pay council tax, water rates, plus the expense of renting, food, electricity, heat etc

You do understand people in England working minimum wage jobs manage to pay rent, water, council tax and bills yes? I'm confused why you think he won't be able to when others do?

berksandbeyond · 07/02/2024 17:31

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 17:08

@ berksandbeyond not pissed of with him going but very concerned as he doesn’t realise how expensive things are. I.E in ni we don’t pay council tax, water rates, plus the expense of renting, food, electricity, heat etc

Well he’ll find that out won’t he! He’s 22, not 12. If he’s got to 22 without realising he needs to pay bills then that’s a bigger problem tbh

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 17:40

Exactly!!! You are creating worries and problems in his head before he goes. Assuming the worst. Basically trying to persuade him not to go. Hiding behind the "worrying mother" but giving him stress about something that hasnt happened isn't very caring. You've already said if it doesn't work out he can always come home. So what's the problem? He gets there can't find a job. Can't pay his bills.....well then he can just come home! Problem solved. I think the real reason is your worried it will actually work out and he will find a job and enjoy it and you won't have your son all to yourself anymore.

Cogsie · 07/02/2024 17:40

I suppose it will either work or it won't. He just needs to know that the door is always open at home should he wish to move back at any point.

If she is going to be a student then usually she would be in halls of residence for her first year so they would be separated. If they are planning to live together then they may well need guarantors for their rent plus as a non student he would be liable for 75% charge for council tax. If he hasn't secured a job he may not be able to move in with her, student houses are usually room by room and he isn't a student. It depends on where they intend to live.

He may well be 22 but he has gone from one parent's house to another parent's house, do they do their own laundry? Food shopping? Cooking? All you can do is be there to congratulate them on the success of it or be a soft place to fall if it doesn't. Uni is a real test of relationships anyway because you are exposed to all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds.

Frankly I would be very upset if my child moved out and told me over a text message with no warning. But you have to let go even if you can see at any point that he is messing up his life because it is his life.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2024 17:56

If they are planning to live together then they may well need guarantors for their rent plus as a non student he would be liable for 75% charge for council tax

There is no "may" about it. They will need a guarantor.
@Concernemum are you aware of this?

If the girl's parents are unwilling to be guarantors then the girl will have to go into halls, and the OP's son will have to find a flatshare or lodgings somewhere else.

Lustrino · 07/02/2024 17:56

I hear a lot of loss in your feelings, but what would help this is firstly an acceptance that you can’t change him and his choices, if he doesn’t stay with this girl and move to Brighton, it’ll be something else similar. It obviously feels horrible but there’s nothing you can do.

Then, having accepted this, you start making positive plans for you. Life is hard right now, and you might not feel like anything much, but you need to indulge yourself and pick up something new. A hobby, night classes, a new pet… if you’d like to make connections and eventually, friends - lovely grown up company whose own kids have moved on, or who have never chosen parenthood to start with, you could look into local meet-up groups, walking clubs etc. you could go on art holidays or volunteer with animals if that’s your thing. The important thing is that it isn’t more of what you already do - this is your opportunity to be more fabulous, more self indulgent, and to find out who you are as well as a mother, now you haven’t got to dedicate all your time and attention to motherhood.

Yes it’s a loss but losses make space for new joys to enter our lives. It starts with letting go, though. You’ll always be there to come back to, but it’s time to leave him to it.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 07/02/2024 18:02

Of course you can be sad but please don’t for a second make him feel guilty. It’s a normal part of his life as an adult. But how are they going to live in Brighton if she’s a student and he doesn’t have a job? It’s very expensive to rent there. I hope he has some basic life skills.

Nothankyou22 · 07/02/2024 18:04

I was going to say Brighton is amazing for young people until I saw you’re in NI so can see why you’re upset, as long as you don’t push him away he’ll always have somewhere to call home and come visit

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 18:22

Could it happen in a better way? A girlfriend with supportive parents who drive them around ....

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · 07/02/2024 18:23

Why does he need to go out drinking and go abroad with male mates? What that changes for the better in his life?

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 18:24

Hi all, am well aware of the rental situation and the need for a guarantor, however I don’t he is aware of it nor of the council tax that he will have to pay as a non student. I’ve asked him to err on the side of caution and weigh everything up but alas it is falling on deaf ears

OP posts:
CadyEastman · 07/02/2024 18:26

Concernemum · 07/02/2024 18:24

Hi all, am well aware of the rental situation and the need for a guarantor, however I don’t he is aware of it nor of the council tax that he will have to pay as a non student. I’ve asked him to err on the side of caution and weigh everything up but alas it is falling on deaf ears

I really would stop pointing out the negatives, unless he's asking you for guidance.

He'll find out for himself soon enough.

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 07/02/2024 18:57

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:59

@Dearover she’s 21, he’s 22 both work in an off licence…. I’ve just got called a narcissist and manipulative… did I mention she’s studying psychology 🙄

Doesn’t take a psychologist to see this…you’re being very wired OP. leave the boy alone. I wouldn’t reply to you either tbh. You wonder why he hasn’t been in contact? My guess is you’re a nightmare to talk to as his mother. Just support him when he needs you and stop annoying him or you’ll lose him

Duechristmas · 07/02/2024 19:14

When they leave it's so painful but my sister in law said when their eldest left 'we have peace because we know he's in the right place and growing into his own man'. I liked that.

Duechristmas · 07/02/2024 19:16

Do you actually want a boomerang child? If he's gone he's grown and flown. Of course they're always welcome back but if we've done our jobs right they won't want to come back.

Duechristmas · 07/02/2024 19:24

Is it def a GF and not a BF? I find it strange you haven’t met her in a year.

That was my thought too! Especially as they're going to Brighton

NewJeans · 07/02/2024 19:32

He's probably told his gf what OP is like and the gf herself doesn't want to meet OP.

Considering the rage she displayed on here when someone challenged her, I'd not fancy telling OP to her face I was moving out. I can totally see why her son did it then texted her to let her know.

OP you need to focus on a new life you create for yourself now and let your son grow, up move away, it's natural. He's not your fifth limb he's a person in his own right. If he comes back to visit it's a bonus.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2024 19:48

Crikey. The OP posted on here asking for support, not to be told she is overbearing, manipulative and narcissistic.

I am not a clingy mum in the slightest and couldn't wait for DD to go to university. She has well and truly flown the nest now. The difference is that she talks to me and doesn't have secretive relationships. I have met all of her partners and made them welcome.

I sense that something else is going on. It is really weird to not meet your child's current squeeze if they have been together for this long, especially if they are local. If anything, I feel that it is the GF who is manipulative and/or even the OP's son.

It is quite possible that the OP is more clingy than he would like, but would it really hurt to get in touch with his mum now and again?

@Concernemum I will reiterate this - please do not fund your son's unrealistic plans. He needs to make it work himself. But keep the door open and tell him he is welcome back any time, and promise you won't say "I told you so".

Considering the rage she displayed on here when someone challenged her

Considering how rude that poster was I'm not surprised @NewJeans

KK05 · 07/02/2024 21:22

As a teen (18) i packed my bag and moved to Spain. I wanted to be a holiday rep and off I went (alone and knowing no one)

The best thing my parents did for me was to ensure I knew I always had a home to come back to, I’m sure they felt exactly the same. Have since heard too that I worried them loads when I done this. I was always a homebody before then. Even my first holiday abroad I called home daily.Having their support to follow my dreams made me want to come home to visit. I knew if I came home they wouldn’t be telling / asking me to stay.

I think it also helped that they came for a visit a few times so they could see I was ok. I would never admit to them but I loved their visits. I could show off my new town and way of life. We also arranged weekly calls (they called a pay phone) much easier now with smart phones and video calling. Make a point of inviting them both home to stay for long weekends etc. I do think females are better at keeping in touch though. Speak to his GF and arrange weekly calls. If I didn’t contact my in-laws or for the family chat then my DH would forget on the regular.

It was the making of me if I’m honest and has allowed me to realise I can do things alone. I’m definitely a stronger and more independent person for this.

I guess what I’m trying to say is be supportive. Don’t try to talk him into staying, invite them over for holidays home and make it clear that it can be as spontaneous or last minute as they like. Ask for recommendations when you go for visits. Enjoy the cheap holidays. Make a point of asking how he’s doing what he’s done how his new life is.

good luck and huge hugs.

BruFord · 07/02/2024 21:24

I agree with @CadyEastman, your DS is going to have to find out about the true COL/what bills need paying at some point, why not now? Just try to talk to him about making some long term goals and let him get on with growing up.

My student DD (18) is currently looking for a place to rent with friends next autumn and she’s discovering the realities of the COL. I’ve just walked her through a sample lease and all the additional bills she’ll be liable for-it’s been a shock! But we all have to figure this out at some point!

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