Son moving away

[Concernemum]

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

I think you should stop worrying about all that could go wrong. Whether it's a success or not, it will be a learning experience for him. At 19 me and my (very unsuitable) boyfriend decided to move to a city at the other end of the country. We had no money and lived in a tent for the first couple of months. Of course we were foolish and naive but you know what? We made it work. We got jobs, we rented a flat. The following year we went to university and did very well for ourselves. We had a great life in that city for ten years. Then we went our separate ways.
The best thing my parents did was to let me go. It all worked out but if it hadn't then I knew I would be able to go home if I needed to.
I could have been sensible and stayed at home but I really don't think I would have benefited from doing that. We learnt so much by leaving our comfortable homes and setting ourselves up in a new city. We worked hard to become independent. We overcame adversity. Not once did ask our families for money, even though we were struggling at first. We learnt to be resourceful, we developed as people.
I feel it will be similarly beneficial for your son to spread his wings. He'll have tough times but he'll learn from them. If it's a disaster, he can come home.
OP, be honest with yourself here. Do you really believe it's in his best interests to stay at home with you at this stage of his life? I feel you'd like it because you'd have his company and would know he's safe but come on. He's a young man wanting to embark on an adventure and create a new life for himself. Encourage him, support him - don't keep going on about council tax etc.

I can only imagine how painful this would be so I’m just sending love and hugs, 💐

Loads of work in Brighton especially in the summer months, they'll get at least 25% off council tax as students don't count. When they are settled, book a holiday and go visit him. Wish him well, give him the money for his return fare in case he needs it and just text him once a week with your news, gossip from home etc. All Mum's have a good cry when their children leave home but you wouldn't want him living with you forever. He has his own adventures to live.

Far away?

I'm also in N.I... I was in London last week, and it took me 10 minutes longer to get from my house to Belfast Airport by car than from Belfast Airport to London. The flight to London is just over an hour, and Brighton is 1 hr 20 mins by train from London. You being in Lisburn your journey would be even quicker than mine; you could leave your house by 8am and be at his place before noon. The cost of flights are unbelievably cheap too (less than £40 return w/ Ryanair).

I moved out and across the country at 21, I’m an only child and it was definitely hard for my parents. I met my now husband, got engaged a few weeks later and told my parents I was getting married and moving away (for context he’s in the military). They were open that they would miss me and me and my mum have chatted about how hard it was now that I’m older but they were very supportive and put a lot of weight behind doing what’s right for me and DH, whether it was what they wanted or not. They helped us to prepare and have advice about costs and realities but did not push it too much, OP be wary that if you only say things to your son about not knowing the costs/realties and not wanting him to go, you may push him away. It’s a balancing act between making sure he knows the facts and also being supportive and happy for him. Easier said than done and I’m not at that point with my own children yet, I appreciate that.
honestly I’m closer to my parents now and I’m a much more confident and independent person than I ever was before moving away, it’s really hard sometimes but we’ve adapted and I’m grateful they were so supportive of my choices (many people weren’t). It’s been 6 years and I video call my mum nearly every day now so she can see the kids and we can chat.

I know this life is shite and I’m not gonna be all doom and gloom here but I lost my 22 year old son in 2022 in an accident and there really is no getting over that. I have tried to be positive and look for all the good things in life and I’m so thankful that I have millions of brilliant memories and me and my 14 year old daughter laugh every day when we talk about him but we miss him desperately. I am not saying suck it up because at least your son is still alive because your feelings are just as valid as mine but please look for the positives because we only get one life and he is still your son wherever he lives and this doesn’t need to be the disaster you think it will be. Text him and tell him you love him and that you are proud of him and who he has become. Take care

Is he your only child?

Lovely we put all this effort into making our children independent & giving them wings so they can fly & then our hearts break when they do exactly that. You have to wish them well with a big smile on your face even though you’re crying on the inside, let them do their own thing & they’ll always find their way home.

Focus on all the things you can do, join clubs/gym/go on holiday & smile, wish him well & be happy for him, welcome his girlfriend too so that he knows he can visit without upsetting you. You’re going to be just fine xx

I think I must be weird, because my DD is at university over three hours away by plane and aside from feeling a little sad the first week she was gone, I’m fine with it. We chat and text regularly, we’re emotionally close but I don’t mind that we’re not geographically close. As long as she’s happy, that’s enough. 🤷

I mean I have the courtesy to communicate with my parents in person or on the phone, but I moved to another continent when I was 21. Because I was an adult and I was building my own life. He probs won’t ever move home and might settle elsewhere but that’s normal right?

I understand that it’s scary, but you need to reframe this in your mind as an opportunity. Even if your son can’t find a job and can’t pay his expenses, it’s not like he will end up living on the streets, since he knows he can always come back home. So even if everything goes wrong, this will be a learning opportunity for him to get to know how much it costs to live out of home which will help him next time he tries. But everything may also go totally fine. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

This is also an opportunity for you to use your time to take up a new hobby or make new friends or get in touch with old friends or spend more time with your partner if you have one, and start fostering the relationships that will hopefully keep you busy and emotionally nourished during this new chapter of your life.

of course, that doesn’t mean you will lose touch with your son. As others have said, try to be supportive of his decision to move and share your anxieties with your partner or a trusted friend (or here on mumsnet) so you can keep a positive attitude with your son. Ask him when would be a good time for you to come visit after he’s settled (and accept if it might not be as early as you’d like). Hopefully, the more you are able to back off and let him take control of this decision, the more likely he will be to involve you more in his life.

It sounds to me like you are grieving what you’ll never have again.
Honestly, that’s OK.

You need to wise up and see him off with a cheery smile. If he messes up he will learn from his mistakes, its all part and parcel of growing up. I'm also from NI, from a similar town to Lisburn and I couldn't wait to get out of there, I legged it as soon as I graduated at 22. My mum was very proud of my independence, although she missed me a lot. The more you cling the more likely he is to run.

I suspect the girlfriend is actually a boyfriend, hence the secrecy, not introducing you, moving to Brighton..... a very gay friendly place

Came here to say the same, the whole thread screams it.

He’s 22 he needs to live his own life.

You keep saying “this girl”. It comes of very dismissive of the relationship. Do you not like her? Have you spent time also building a relationship with her. Do you speak differently about his partner to him or do you refer to her the same way?

you need to be supportive and open. You know he’s an adult, you said it yourself. So he can be an adult with a supportive family that he wants to call and update regularly, or an adult with a family who never seem supportive who he doesn’t tell anything to.

Maybe in Brighton he’ll fly. Maybe he won’t. Maybe the relationship will last. Maybe it won’t. But these are his mistakes and / or successes to make while he’s young.

I don't think it's the geographical distance between NI and Brighton that's the problem here, but the broken down relationship between you and your DS. Why wouldn't he want you to meet his partner, the person he's living with? He's lying to you on some level and it all sounds very dysfunctional. Brighton is the least of your worries unfortunately OP.

If this is the case it's very telling that he feels he can't tell his mother.

Hi OP. I get that you are hurting about this, it must be so hard. I know it feels like a long distance - and it is - I'm from the north and moved down south, leaving my mum. I felt a lot of guilt about it, but it was ultimately what I wanted to do.

I do miss my family, a lot sometimes, but I've never been happier. And we are actually still really close.

I hope that it will be the same for your son. Brighton is a great place and he will have adventures there. He's 22 and he should be going out and exploring new places. All the most interesting, well rounded people I know have lived in different places and had a variety of life experience - he really needs to get that.

He probably will make some mistakes and struggle etc., but that is part of being in your 20's. He will muddle through it and become more resilient.

This is what it's supposed to be like when you have adult children - don't clip his wings.

Will you be able to visit? It's not a bad train journey down South really! It might give opportunities for holidays for you and spending weekends together etc. I see my parents fairly infrequently, but when we do see each other, we have a good amount of time together and really enjoy the closeness.

I hope it all goes well for you both - I'm sure you will get there and he will get some great life experience!

I’ve been the gf in a situation like this.

The mother was very overbearing, never forgave me for ‘stealing’ her son away and was actually unpleasant to my parents. All of this done without her thinking she was doing anything wrong.

She tried to make our wedding all about her too. My DH used to see her infrequently through the course of the year and the kids used to call her horrible grandma. We were obliged to spend every Christmas with her due to emotional blackmail of my DH and she came on all of our summer holidays. She always managed to ruin every single one.

To outsiders it seemed like she was lovely but they never saw the real side of her. She was the most negative and pessimistic person I’ve ever met. Any plans we ever had were met with all of the things that could go wrong and never any words of congratulation.

If you want any sort of relationship with your son, you need to back off. Just tell him how happy you are for him and let him live his own life.

You need to let go, he knows where you are if he needs you. Maybe it will be a good idea to get yourself a social life as you seem reliant on your son for that. Don't push him away with your negativity. Be positive to anything he does or wants to do. It will get easier

OP I think that it sounds as thought you’ve done a great job bringing up a supportive and independent young man. At 22 he should be allowed to move away, travel overseas, get married if he wants to. I think you know this.

That you are devastated, comment that ‘you don’t want to be here no more’, and describe his avoidance of confrontation suggests that he feels guilty and rather smothered by you - but does not want to hurt you by having a row about it. IMHO it seems that you are overly invested in him and have not ‘let him go’ as he entered into adulthood, perhaps not helped by being menopausal. It sounds like your DS is intentionally moving to try to escape what he perceives as a toxic relationship and is hoping to build a new, independent life with his girlfriend.

I would sincerely encourage you to speak to a GP to get counselling and support so that you can process this and maybe start building some sort of life that is independent and separate from that of your old life with your son. You say you have no social life, but maybe you could consider joining a few local social groups (ramblers, evening classes, stitch-n-bitch groups etc) and perhaps getting a dog (getting out ‘n’ about and chatting with other dog walkers is a good tonic for loneliness and depression and gives you another little soul to take care of).

I do understand as I am menopausal and my 16yo decided to apply to a state 6th form that is an hour away and managed to wangle a boarding place (it’s ex military so has boarding facilities). Am both utterly devastated he will be ‘leaving home’ 2 years earlier than I’d expected and deeply proud of his bid for independence and desire to stand on his own two feet. I only share my pride with him and keep the tears for when I’m alone with dad, though.

Have you considered that he’s deliberately avoiding you due to your unreasonable and melodramatic response? Which is basically spoiling some exciting news and a happy period in his life for him? I say that because one of your messages echoes something my mum would say … the whole “You need to come and talk about this… you can’t push your family away” which comes across as bullying and manipulative when all he’s trying to do is move to a city where young people from literally all over the UK move all the time! But the way you’re reacting is like he’s doing something terribly wrong. And when you say you want to talk with him about it, he’s probably reading between the lines and knowing you’re just going to try and dissuade him from going, throw a huge list of reasons it’s a bad idea at him, and maybe cry if he doesn’t agree. I moved to Brighton at 18 and survived! Had a great time! The city is FULL of young people from further away than your son who are surviving. Just give him some space and be supportive of the distance between you will get further.

Hi OP it sounds this is very hard for you partly because you don't have much else going on in your life (?). Your son was always going to move away, possibly far, eventually. That's what adult children do. He needs to grow independent and that's what he's doing with the support of his gf.

I'm sorry but you you might come across as overbearing and overwhelming to your son. You said you've WhatsApped him multiple times and are basically asking him not to go, and sound pretty dismissive about the gf and relationship? He needs to make his own decisions, including mistakes. He can't learn and grow otherwise.

Would you consider therapy or a support group for yourself? You sound lonely and a bit lost which is understandable. You're focusing a lot on how your son doesn't have a social life beyond the gf but what about your own life? Do you have anybody or anything else that matters to you? Your identity can't revolve around one person or motherhood, it's too limiting and painful when the child moves out and onward.

I hope you find help (not trying to be an a$$, I genuinely mean it).