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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Son moving away

270 replies

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 10:40

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

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Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:21

@titchy I’ve been watts apping him to ask him to come talk with me , also telling him that I will support him but he has to let me in and stop pushing me and his family away

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titchy · 05/02/2024 19:23

My thumbs!

It does sound rather intense though. You're probably pushing away. You don't need to get involved other than to wish him lots of luck.

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:24

@ titchy yes I will when the time comes but in the meantime things need to be sorted

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SallyWD · 05/02/2024 19:26

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:21

@titchy I’ve been watts apping him to ask him to come talk with me , also telling him that I will support him but he has to let me in and stop pushing me and his family away

I understand your concern. I'd feel the same about my son. However, I think you need to give him a bit of space now. Whatsapping him all the time with your worries will push him away. Let him go, let him make mistakes. It's how people learn. If it's a disaster he can come home. It might turn out to be the best thing he's ever done.

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:30

@SallyWD he’s just replied asking wat I on about.. I’ve just told him to reread the messages

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doyouwanticewiththat · 05/02/2024 19:31

I think it's good to keep in contact - it's very hurtful for you that this is happening . Brighton is a vibrant town but very expensive to live as a student so good to keep the lines of communication open . I'm sure he will get work, loads of jobs around though a lot of zero hours . Are you able to visit him ? If you can afford the train you could book in advance to see him it's cheaper if you do 3 months in advance or bus is really cheap . Also has she definitely got a place as applications for uni have only just gone in .. it's a long way to September. It's really frustrating for you - you need to just have a proper chat with him - so hard when it's all over text .

Lovemusic82 · 05/02/2024 19:32

I think all you can do is support him. There’s a chance he will move and things will eventually go wrong, if they do he needs to be comfortable enough to come back home (so falling out with him about it won’t help). It might of course not go wrong, they might stay together.

doyouwanticewiththat · 05/02/2024 19:32

Sorry ignore about the trains just realised you said NI

fleurneige · 05/02/2024 19:33

Where do you live Concernmum? How far?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:36

@doyouwanticewiththat we live in Lisburn Northern Ireland close to Belfast .. He says she’s has already been accepted into the course 🤷‍♀️ maybe depending on her grades 🤷‍♀️ Yes long time to September and anything can happen between now and then

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Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:37

@ Lovemusic82 it could go either way tbh

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Dearover · 05/02/2024 19:43

Is she only 18? If they manage to find somewhere to rent together, he will need to pay council tax as he won't be a student. He will undoubtedly be able to find work in Brighton. What does he do at the moment?

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:59

@Dearover she’s 21, he’s 22 both work in an off licence…. I’ve just got called a narcissist and manipulative… did I mention she’s studying psychology 🙄

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Whatwouldnanado · 05/02/2024 20:12

Wow, sorry you are having such a hard time. I would back off from messaging (hard I know). September is a long time away. Leave them to it for now. If he is working and has a roof over his head he will be ok at first anyway. Lighten up, wish them luck and send him a few quid and a cheerful message about how busy you are etc. But be there, non judgemental, with an open door when/if it all goes wrong.

titchy · 05/02/2024 20:14

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:24

@ titchy yes I will when the time comes but in the meantime things need to be sorted

And he will sort them! He's an adult, with a job and savings. He will sort things out when he needs to. It's only Brighton. Pack some clothes, book an air bnb for a week and a flight. Total preparation time - less than 24 hours!

titchy · 05/02/2024 20:16

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 19:59

@Dearover she’s 21, he’s 22 both work in an off licence…. I’ve just got called a narcissist and manipulative… did I mention she’s studying psychology 🙄

You are kind of making it all about you....

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:42

@titchy nope it’s all very much my concern about my son

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Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:43

@Whatwouldnanado thank you my door will always be open

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Dearover · 05/02/2024 20:46

Would you be less concerned if there wasn't going to be a stretch of water between you? I think I would have been more concerned if there was an age gap & he was following her. Lots of students of post grad age are in relationships with non-students.

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2024 20:48

You need to step back. It's entirely normal for a 22 year old to want to move away- he could have moved away 4 years ago.

You need to step back and see how it looks to him. You say you've been sending him WhatsApps all day. That seems pretty intense.

What makes you think a grown man can't get a job to pay the rent? That is a normal thing to do. If they're staying with her parents it's entirely likely they're saving.

titchy · 05/02/2024 20:51

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:42

@titchy nope it’s all very much my concern about my son

Well yes - your worries, your concern, your thinking that it needs planning now, your thinking that he needs your help, your thinking that he won't cope. All your actions are to alleviate your anxiety, not because he is doing something completely off the wall, reckless or dangerous.

He has shown clearly that he is capable of holding down a job, a girlfriend, saving, planning a future. All normal adult things. There is literally nothing to feel anxious about.

Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:58

@Dearover it would certainly make things easier in the long run … I know it’s a flight away plus a train journey but even so it is far away

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Original poster
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:59

@NerrSnerr not all day … just a few messages. I try to connect with him a couple of times a week

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Harry12345 · 06/02/2024 20:11

I’d find this really hard, more the fact he hasn’t introduced gf and yet he has relationship to gf parents, things will hopefully get better

Harry12345 · 06/02/2024 20:17

titchy · 05/02/2024 20:16

You are kind of making it all about you....

Show quote history

Why would they call you that? Have you been overbearing? I would stop messaging him unless he contacts you, it’s hurtful but worrying does not equate to caring, it’s your anxiety, he is a grown man and needs to make his own decisions and mistakes