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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Son moving away

270 replies

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 10:40

My 22 yr old moved out of the family home in July to move in with his gf and her parents. Visits home have not happened very often. Now he has just dropped the bomb saying there moving to Brighton so she can go to uni. Have told him he always has a home here and doesn’t need to go with her but all am getting is but I want to. NOW before the “ he’s an adult “ posts start I know that but am hurting here big time

OP posts:
BuryBren · 06/02/2024 20:21

We raise them to ‘fledge’ and that’s what he’s just done… mission accomplished

Mememe9898 · 06/02/2024 20:59

You sound really full on and overbearing. He’s 22 years old and by constantly messaging him you are pushing him away. When I turned 18 I moved half way across the world and barely spoke to my mum as back then they didn’t have the internet and whatsapp.
Telling him how hard it is and he’ll struggle is only going to make him want to do it more. Mum told me the same thing and no matter how hard it was when I was working 4 jobs I persevered as I didn’t want to fail and have to go back home to her.
Focus on trying to get to know his gf and build a relationship with her before he decides to cut his ties with you.
You need to find other things to do than hold onto him. That’s what I advised my mum and she made new friends and joined different clubs. Now she’s loving her freedom and travelling as much as she can.

Ihavenonname · 06/02/2024 21:07

I kinda feel your overbearing , i have a narcissistic mother, your answers read like hers would be, but way before you said that's what he's replied that's how I felt. I doubt that's your intention however he prob feels like that at the moment at least.
Step back. Be supportive & build him up. Because you will loose him forever otherwise. He's already distanced himself from you, it'l get worse if you don't become more positive towards him.

im not calling you a narcissist. I am stating I read it much like that.

Jingleballs2 · 06/02/2024 21:24

It sounds like you've been pushing him away and you don't have a good relationship with him anyway since you've never even met his girlfriend.

As for your concerns about him moving, he will be absolutely fine! I left hone at 16, yes I had times where I had little money, and little food. I've moved away and started again with no friends or job, but you meet new people. It's all part of growing up and will build character. Not saying you shouldn't help him if he needed it and you wanted too of course. You need to let him live his own life

Jamandtoastfortea · 06/02/2024 21:38

I know it’s hard, but try not to worry. He’s 22, he has a job and a gf. Together they want to move somewhere vibrant and exciting. They’ll easily get jobs there too. Sadly it’s not about you, it’s about them. If you’re in ni, Brighton is a 30 minute easyJet flight away (bfs to lgw). You can plan ahead and visit. Wish them luck, ask lightly about their exciting plans. Don’t be all doom and gloom or you’ll really drive them away. If gf won’t visit before they go, why not suggest a coffee or drink on neutral ground? Not to nag or interfere, just to say hi.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2024 06:50

Hi @Concernemum I'm sorry you have had so many harsh responses.

Is his dad not on the scene?

I find it off that he has been seeing this girl for a year and you haven't even met her yet. That makes it sound like either you didn't have the relationship with him that you thought you had, the girlfriend is rather controlling or he is ashamed of her.

TBH I doubt that this relationship will last once she is at university making new friends. She may change her mind before September and want to go into halls.

The rental situation in Brighton is very expensive and if your son struggles to get a job he may come home with his tail between his legs. Don't subsidise him. He needs to stand on his own two feet.

It will be hard, but I would hold off messaging him and wait until he contacts you. Nothing you say will make him change his mind, and the more you try to persuade him that moving to Brighton is a bad idea the more he will dig his feet in.

Larob · 07/02/2024 07:29

You need more going on in your own life so you can be happy independent of him. The language you’re using sounds as though you’re very needy on him for your own happiness. Create a positive mood around him moving - chances are it won’t work long term with him and gf, because they’re young and odds are against it. But create a safe space for him to land. Make sure he’s set for the practicalities, finding a job, getting his own place if she’s staying in halls, how to budget his income, what emotional support does he need to cope that she’ll be going out with new friends, for him to make new friends etc. Support his plans and prepare him to succeed, don’t push him away otherwise if it fails, he may not want to tell you.

MrsZargon · 07/02/2024 07:48

22 is a funny age. You are still childlike in a way as you still don’t have many responsibilities and therefore don’t really need a support network, and you are too busy having fun to bother with spending much time with your parents (at least that was my experience). I think you need to focus on the longer term. Right now the best thing you can do is champion his decisions. But also make the effort to visit him in Brighton, maybe to take him and his girlfriend out for lunch. Send little parcels in the post as no doubt they are skint as they start their careers and lives together, bake him a cake to take home when he visits. Try to lay a foundation with his girlfriend as ultimately it is usually the women in the relationship that keeps things going with the larger family. picture the future where he is buying a house and having his own children when hopefully he will love your support as a grandmother, this will be the next phase where he really needs you, so focus on that rather than the fact that at the moment you are not seeing him much x

CadyEastman · 07/02/2024 08:01

I think you need to tread very, very carefully here OP. There is a chance his GF could be controlling and if that's the case you run a risk of not seeing your adult son very much.

The first thing I'd do is apologise and tell him that you were worried and you know you haven't been dealing with things in a good way. Tell him you know they'll both be fine and happy in Bristol as it's a great city and they'll have each other and there's always a bed for them if they want to come and visit.

Then massively step back. He is 2/ and works and has a GF. He will be fine and if he isn't, he can always come home to you.

Many posters have said this already but I'm going to say it again, do not support him financially, just don't. You are Infantilizing, whether intentionally or not. He had proved he can get a job and hold it down. They're adults, I'm sure they've worked out a way of supporting themselves.

One of my DCousins only DS is with a controlling woman, she's inky seen her first DGC once and has never seen the second. DCousin is the most lovely person and not overbearing at all. She's had to have a lot of counselling as her DS' wife is actually quite abusive. He very, very careful how you handle this OP and take heed of all the people saying that you're coming across as very needy Flowers

ohthehokey · 07/02/2024 08:12

He talks about getting a job though he hasn’t trained in anything… just extremely worried that he’s going to be alone for most of his time while his girl is at classes. We have no family or friends there to support him

If he hasn't trained in anything, now is his chance. Do you assume he's going to be dossing around at home while she's at uni? Why wouldn't he be getting a job? He can apply for apprenticeships, or just jobs that don't require qualifications. Either way, hopefully he will make something of himself.

CadyEastman · 07/02/2024 08:44

*only not inky

Snowtimex7 · 07/02/2024 08:54

Can I just ask is the move that’s the problem or the girlfriend? Would you be this upset and freaked out if he was moving for uni like the majority of 18 year olds or is it the fact that for some reason that you haven’t explained you haven’t met her?

I grew up in Brighton. It’s full of jobs, opportunities, nightlife and young people. I can’t see why it would be a problem for him if he’s so keen on finding work this could be a really good opportunity for him- and as a parent you are meant to support that.

I moved away from my family to start my own family 2 years ago and we still see mine and my husbands family as much as we can. Even though I don’t see my aunt who’s a narcissist, I still see my mum who we drive over 4 hours. And currently this month doing it twice. Unless there’s a reason why you and your son really don’t speak that you won’t say, the majority of students (I went to uni) and people who move far see their parents at every given opportunity

I think this goes a bit further than he’s moving away, I think whatever was broken should be fixed. Make it a priority to be fixed over the next coming months, don’t scare him out of the decision as it will push him more to do it and not want to come back at all. The world is big, he’s just picked Brighton. Plenty of people move across the world. Ask him why he won’t let you meet the girlfriend, ask him to meet the parents. They are coming to a really big point in their relationship it’s only fair to meet. And if you have driven the wedge - fix it or allow him to leave. He’s excited. Let him

TheBayLady · 07/02/2024 09:03

He will be fine because he knows he will always have his mum. You also will be fine, once you feel better you need to make an effort to go and live your life. Flowers

Mariposistaaa · 07/02/2024 09:13

OP please ignore all those who are telling you to back off, give your head a wobble etc. Your feelings are valid. It's your son, you want what is best for him but you will miss him dearly. And that is normal and ok.
Don't expect too much contact in the first months. He will be settling, getting swept along.

And OP chances are, they are so young this relationship won't last and he will be home. Or maybe not and this girl will become part of the family. At least she seems bright and wants to study.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/02/2024 09:32

Is it def a GF and not a BF? I find it strange you haven’t met her in a year.

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 12:47

Sorry, but you sound over bearing! It doesn't surprise me that he wanted to move out after 6 months of being with her. He's an adult now and can do whatever he wants and should not have to feel guilty because you haven't got your own social life. If he moves up there and doesn't make friends or get a job. Then so be it. He will have to figure it out. You need to move on! Get your own life and social circle.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 07/02/2024 13:07

Desperation is never attractive. The more cheerfully you wave him off, the more likely he is to want to come back for a visit.

Tiddlywinks63 · 07/02/2024 14:32

fleurneige · 05/02/2024 19:04

Exactly, totally normal- and much earlier. What is not normal, is to make such a fuss. It's not as though he is moving to NZ or the other side of the world.

Show quote history

Yes it’s hard when your DCs leave home and perhaps there’s less communication and definitely you have less idea what they’re doing but be thankful he’s in a good relationship and standing on his own two feet. He’s 22 for goodness sake!
My DS at 21 was working abroad, learning the language at the same time and enjoying the freedom, as should your son. Ok, Brighton is a long way from home but at least it’s not the other side of the world.
Be glad he’s building a new life, if it goes pear-shaped then you’ll be there as a safety net.

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 14:54

You do sound like you are manipulative and a narcissist. My mother is the same! You are being very negative and only focusing on what could go wrong. You sound more like your jealous at the fact your son has another woman In his life that he enjoys being around more than you! Why not just try and be happy and excited for him. I'm imagining that's not possible because your too busy thinking about your own feelings and how it's effecting you!

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 14:58

I agree!!!

CadyEastman · 07/02/2024 15:26

OP please ignore all those who are telling you to back off, give your head a wobble etc. Your feelings are valid. It's your son, you want what is best for him but you will miss him dearly. And that is normal and ok.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP shouldn't feel sine sadness at the thought if her adult son moving always. Most posters seem to be pointing out that her interactions with her DS are quite negative and although she feels sad, she sound make her interactions with him more positive and try and focus on some things to try and distract her

And OP I really do think you need to apologise to him, hopefully though, you've done that already Wink

RampantIvy · 07/02/2024 15:52

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 14:54

You do sound like you are manipulative and a narcissist. My mother is the same! You are being very negative and only focusing on what could go wrong. You sound more like your jealous at the fact your son has another woman In his life that he enjoys being around more than you! Why not just try and be happy and excited for him. I'm imagining that's not possible because your too busy thinking about your own feelings and how it's effecting you!

Wow!

Don't hold back will you Hmm

I think the OP sounds sad.
The son doesn't contact his mum, he has never brought the girlfriend home to meet her. Don't you think that is weird?

You are very clearly projecting here.

Violet1964 · 07/02/2024 16:12

My thoughts to why the son hasn't brought his girlfriend over is because, he's probably a bit embarrassed of her!! Or probably won't approve of her and find negative in her! I know a lot of people that are scared to introduce their partners to their parents because the parent are opinionated and negative.

BruFord · 07/02/2024 16:13

I can see why you’re worried that he doesn’t have a plan for himself, that he’s just following her.

As he’s moving away, can you say that you’d really like to spend an afternoon/evening with him as you won’t be seeing him for a while? Set a date to do this and when you see him, talk to him about his longterm plans-what does he see himself doing in five years? It sounds as if his gf has a plan, point out that he needs one too!

Moving far away is a different issue altogether, we have to let our children spread their wings. I was talking to my neighbor earlier and his DD (21) is having an amazing semester abroad in Paris-she’s already decided to stay there over the summer and, visas permitting, she’s going to apply for jobs in France after she graduates. We live in the US so she’ll be v. far from home!

CombatLingerie · 07/02/2024 16:17

There are two separate issues here OP. Firstly your son relocating to a new place. You are allowed to feel sad about this and from your post you seem to have done the right thing in saying he will always be able to come home if he needs to and helping him financially. Your son is also not wrong in wanting to spread his wings.
The second issue is his GF how incredibly rude of her and your son not to have arranged for you to meet her. I find that situation very strange. I also find the fact that he moved in with her family after 6 months strange and a bit worrying. Would it be possible for you to approach his GF’s family and suggest a drink/meal/ coffee for all of you together? You could say it was to ‘celebrate’ your son and GF’s move to Brighton.