Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I think it’s really sad that your daughter isn’t welcome at home. I know it would be hard living back with my mum but even now at 37, if I was in need my mum wouldn’t hesitate.
As it is only for a year could you not just put some hard rules in and say that the minute she breaks them she would have to leave? Make sure she knows these are non negotiable and are the only way it could work?

She's still your flesh & blood. Is she really that hard to live with ? How about you try it first and set ome ground rules, like you need to be saving so much a month , and she needs to tidy up after herself ? Good luck to you all

I agree with the majority that your daughter should feel she has a safety net in your/ her home. Your husbands reaction is very strong and will processing and a lot more discussion. You and he need to sit down and thrash it out. He will need to feel heard Maybe you and he will need to take breaks away to give you space.

Great update @worriedmum64

So sorry for the nasty posts you had to read here - but glad you found some useful / supportive.

Really hope @Brefugee & posters with similar approaches read your last post & reflect.

In a lengthy thread, why why why don't posters coming late to it read all the OP's posts before posting? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Tricky though this is, I think you have to support your DD and offer her shelter from her current storm. You say her boyfriend is back home with his parents. Only imagine how rejected by you both as parents she will feel if she is refused the same option. If her DD "Adores her" that much surely he will be willing to allow her back after ground rules are agreed. I know a year is a long time but she is working, so she won't be sitting about the house all day. I'm guessing she will see her boyfriend at the weekends so it's unlikely she will be under your feet . My DD is a 30 something now but she will always be welcome home with us if she ever needs it. Good luck with your DH.

I would suggest a proper sit down with DH. & DD separately first starting with DH. U re the best shot to avoid irreparable damage & maintain a reasonable relationship for u all. Yes u are right your relationship with DD will never be the same. also promise DH u will have a conversation with DD on her behaviour that she will need to suck it up/bit her tongue. Let DH understand the young shall grow & u will find she might cancel u out of every important aspect of her life & that will hurt especially a mother.imagine grandbabies. It hurts to be rejected by a parent & tells u no matter what goes on in ur life they will never be fully there for u. No matter hw old they re she still needs yr help. She sounds like a good girl overall she is 25 not 45 I don’t believe in turning ur back especially if they are relatively good we were never perfect either. However be prepared for plan B if DH refuses then offer to pay half rent and the savings she would make in a year & if not then u have a dilemma but if it were me I would rather fight with DH or beg if I have to but good luck hope it works out without too much emotional damage on u all

IKR. And still they keep coming…

That is great news and hopefully your daughter will be more of a help than a hinder now that she is older. I live with an illness and when my daughter is home with us, she is a great help and we really appreciate her 💞
Enjoy your time with your daughter, make new happier memories. Wishing you all the best.

Good to hear your DH eventually came round, though do bear in mind things could change once your DD moves in with you.

I had to move back in with my parents aged 41 with 2 primary aged DC after my relationship of 7 years broke down, and we had sold our house. I had a new house purchase lined up, so the original plan was for us to stay 3 months.

That house purchase fell through, as did another one, so we ended up staying with my parents for 15 months until a different house purchase completed, instead of the original 3 months planned.

If your DD and her BF split during the year, you need to think about whether she will still be able to buy a house by herself, and what that means for her living arrangements. Obviously you are not expecting that to happen, but think about what your reaction and response would be in that type of situation (and other scenarios which may result in your DD staying longer than planned).

I don't believe your dh does 'adore' your DD.

Why would you say that? You have no idea what they’ve done to her room or what their DD was like to live with. This poor woman is looking for advice, not statements like this. Just horrible…

This is very sad to read. With the exception of abuse or poly substance abuse, children should always be welcomed home. I wasn't the easiest to live with as a young adult, but I was always assured my childhood home was always available.
We don't have children and expect them to be self sufficient at the stroke of midnight on their 18th birthday. I read so many threads on here about parents not supporting their children once they hit 18 when our brains aren't fully developed until our 20s. Some parents are cruel.

If my child was struggling financially and asked to come home I would never turn them away. Ever.

But. I would set very clear ground rules. She contributes to bills & food, and saves hard. No holidays, no regular nights out etc. A band 5 salary is £28-£34k, and with supplements of £2-£7k for London area. If she gets extra payments for nights or on-call shifts that takes her higher. If she sticks to a very basic living budget and stays with you for 6-12 months she can easily save enough to get a place with her boyfriend.

Sorry op but family is family. Your DH is being very unreasonable. My siblings and I ate always welcome at our parents. My sis moved in for a few years after divorce and I have moved back for a month or so before ( with DH and kids). Not ideal but it means the world to know we have the back up. 25 is still young and in this day and age not unusual to have them back. I am working on the assumption ours will not necessarily be all moved out by that age. I get he has a life limiting illness but she's still family and even more reason to help her out.

Why don’t you read OP updates .

Absolutely bang on, thank you for being forthright here!

She may be absolutely "lovely" living on her own and just visiting the OP and her DH, but returning home and living together is a totally different ball game. I suspect her past behaviour is what's leading to OP's DH's reluctance to have her back home. It's ridiculous to say that she could have changed! That would probably require a personality transplant! (I'm meaning she herself, not the police trouble she brought to the door).
And good for DH, he is obviously unwell and is fully entitled to his own space, a peaceful carry on and a quiet life!
And I can appreciate the dilemma OP is in, but I'm afraid in this instance, DH should come first. As @Elfyny says, DD is by no means on the streets!

🤣🤣🤣 My thoughts exactly! No wonder there's a housing problem with landlords charging exorbitant rents like this! Bloody hell, I know there's a cost of living crisis but... Yeah, bellend!!!

@Ohnoooooooo

ops daughter is 25 not 12

why would she need her mother to do that?!

how infantilising

Your DH sounds like mine. He probably would have said no initially but be willing to hear the other side of the argument, we try to talk about everything. I’m probably less opinionated than he is which means he listens with respect when I put my foot down.your DH, sounds like that too. You sound like a lovely family and your household sounds peaceful presently which was probably why his initial knee jerk reaction was to say no.

Best of luck with it all going forward and well said re the pile on. Was shocked at some of the responses.

Your DD sounds like mine @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos, it’s the constant anger and shouting that I find so wearing.

I tell you what’s annoying though, all those posters who’ve got time to write an essay on the OP’s original post but CBA to skim read her updates before chipping in with their redundant comments.

I'm 52 and parents in 80s, I still know they will give me a home if needed. But that doesn't help you. If it was me I would explain that you want her home and don't support dhs decision. If he doesn't want her back he deals with the fall out, you shouldn't have to.

I am really pleased OP that you have find a way to help DD. Working in the NHS on a band 5 in London is not enough. I do hope things will work at well

There are a number of schemes to help NHS key workers to get on the property ladder, particularly in areas like London. Some offer a 5% deposit, others a reduced price or go down the shared home route. Your daughter may wish to check with the housing associations too as to whether there are any schemes going to help purchase a property

Difficult and I sympathise with you both, been in same situation with all three of ours at various times. 1 is and always will be a nightmare. But we would never turn them away. Needs all 3 to agree and set rules. Ask DD to prepare an outline of her current expenses to understand how she will save, how much she will contribute and also how she will help ease your DH fears...

Shes your child and needs some help getting back on her feet! If not her own mum and dad then who?!?! He needs to grow up, its 1 year out of his life! Is this going to cause a marriage breakdown if she comes back against his wishes? I doubt it, so he doesnt get a say in it tbh. Shes your baby from day 1 till the day you are no longer here. Shes fallen on hard times through no fault of her own. Different if she was a bum and wasnt bothering and had no plans, shes trying. Couldnt bare the thought of my daughter not having an option to return home when life deals you a crappy hand