Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

After university I moved back home for a couple of years and didn't realise it at the time but it was a given I was always welcome. So grateful for my parents, I had my old beloved room back and paid what I could afford towards board, did a pgce, moved in with my boyfriend and made a career, which would have been so much more difficult otherwise. Would also do the same for my dc, always our kids and in turn we support our parents. My Dad wasn't diagnosed early for cancer, fobbed off, so by then it was terminal and had spread, yet he and DM accepted my DS back home after a relationship breakdown. We were there to help and continued after he passed away for our DM. Family is important, it's often later in life you grow stronger Bonds. Xx

Wow OP, im 42 and not that i would now but my parents would always have me back. Can't imagine asking my parents for help or wanting to come home and they say no, how heartbreaking.

I really wouldn't ever say my child could not come home. The hurt you will cause is too much.

It seems mad that your DH isn't able to allow this for a year.

I am so thankful for my parents who welcomed me home a few times when the shit hit the fan.

You would have saved yourself a lot of time if you'd read the OP's update!

THE OP'S HUSBAND HAS CHANGED HIS MIND!!!!

Just sayin...

When at 18 I broached the idea of leaving home my mother told me I was free to leave but she would never let me return. It completely smashed my regard for her because I knew she meant it.
Perhaps as PP suggested, try suggesting a limited trial time to DH. And she gets shown the door if she starts acting up.

Tell me about it.

I tell her it is not acceptable behaviour. I try not to shout at her about it because we have shouted about it enough in the past and I want to move away from that.

I suspect she was hangry on one occasion and stressed about her exams on another.

However, she was born very angry and non-compliant and has been difficult her whole life. By comparison, she’s a dream nowadays.

If you know some way of changing her, I’d love to hear it!

@Minglingpringle if I had behaved like that around the TV and living room, my mother would have walked in, sat down and put what she wanted on. No amount of shouting, screaming, whatever from me would have gotten me my way.

If I'd shouted about bacon I'd have never eaten anything I didn't buy and make for myself ever again. Locks would have been put on the food if necessary.

It sounds extreme, but really it was just setting boundaries. You share the space or you don't get the space. You appreciate the food that's in or you don't get to have it. You speak to us with respect or you'll have no one to speak to.

My mum rarely had to actually follow through on anything like that, because we knew she didn't say anything she wasn't willing to do. So we didn't push her, and mostly she was our best friend. Only on those odd occasions that we did behave like brats did she follow through, so we only did it where it was worth it to us.

And we have an amazing relationship as adults, because we have never been allowed to behave poorly.

Hopefully the same will apply with my DD.

I left home as a teen and could never go back. It led to me putting up with some very shitty living conditions, a lot of debt, and staying in relationships I really shouldnt have been in. I’ve never really felt ‘safe’ as an adult in any relationship since.
My kids will always have a room with me if they need one, whichever age they are, to get them back on their feet.

I would put my foot down and insist DD is welcomed back. If DH doesn’t like it, he can choose to move out.

If your DD was difficult I can understand your husband's reluctance to allow her to move back in. I think the only way is to have a trial for say a month. If it doesn't work them she will need to find her own accommodation.

25, 35, 45 if one of my children ever comes to me needing a roof over their head I wouldn’t think twice. Neither would my partner though, they’re his children too. Even if that wasn’t the case there is no version of reality where I’d see any of them living with strangers, if he didn’t like it he’d have to lump it.

I’m derailing the thread here with my own story but unfortunately your mother’s methods didn’t and wouldn’t work.

You were obviously a relatively compliant child. I was one myself and I have two. I don’t have any problems with them. If you don’t know the other kind it can be hard to imagine anything different.

My daughter has an iron will and a very strong sense of her rights and of perceived injustice. She was also very angry from the day she was born. When she was smaller there were many times I did not enjoy being her parent. Although she is perfectly nice and friendly and sociable with everyone outside the family, she historically has not cared much about our feelings. She would be angry very many times a day until she was about 11, when I noticed it dropped to two or three times a day. Since then it has very very very gradually decreased and now most days she does not get angry.

If I sat down and watched something on TV when she was watching, she would argue and shout at me and would not stop. This happened many times and did not get less, however many times I did it. In the past I might have tried to manoeuvre her out of the room but that would turn into a horrible grappling match. She was not above hitting.

Yes, she would ultimately strop off after about fifteen minutes of arguing, but that’s no way to live.

It was actually me becoming calmer and less hardline in my reactions that has brought us to a place where we are now, where almost all the time she is pleasant to have round the house with only occasional lapses. I get more respect from her if I give her more respect.

What she actually hates is being controlled so locking food away would have been a total disaster (and potentially could have led to other issues eg eating disorders). Anyway, how could I lock all the food away? It’s not practical and it’s an unpleasant way to live for the rest of us, who all cook. I have been very strict about food in the past and I haven’t needed to lock things away to prevent any of the children eating stuff I told them not to. Nowadays she does mainly buy her own food. However, none of this means she doesn’t still shout about things from time to time.

Where we are now is that we share our space with someone who unfortunately is not quite as kind or compromising as the other family members. That means we either have arguments all day (been there, done that) or we discuss it with her but still give in sometimes. The 8 hours TV was actually because she finished her last online exam this morning, so I gave in.

I am confident that she is continuing to improve. However, I have sympathy for people who don’t want their adult children living with them!

Sorry, just reading through your post I couldn't help but feel so sad for your daughter. Neither you or your husband in an ideal situation want your daughter to live with you again. I'm sure she doesn't particularly want to but surely she is trying to be sensible by looking at the option where she can save money. Looking at my own young children I cannot comprehend if in years to come they needed to/wanted to come home that my hubby and I wouldn't want that.

I’m not reading all 700+ but I’m appalled at the people saying she should be told no because of her age. My children can live with me until I’m 100 if they need to. When I was 25 I went through a traumatic experience and my mum took me and my children in, no questions, for 6 months. She had my siblings living there and still found space for us. I actually can’t believe people would tell their children no. It’s shocked me.

You don't need to read all 700. You could just read the OPs update?

I would but my comment wasn’t actually to the op. It was to the other comments telling op to say no.

Could she live with her boyfriend and his family for a short while?

Could you and the posters above RTFT?

Our door is always open to our daughters. We have one who flits between us and her boyfriend’s house, she stays with us for a few days, every other week and maybe not ideal for her, but we love having her at home.
A year is no time, help her to help herself! Set some ground rules, like you said and maybe if it’s that bad, give it a 3 month trial and see how things are.
Don't have any regrets, be there for her and cherish the time you get to spend with her 💞

I don’t think DH is ‘not supportive’ as he’s suggesting helping financially, which is a compromise.

I lived in different house shares with people I didn’t know from around 21 and have good memories of those times. There may be opportunities through her work as well?

If she’s difficult to live with then I agree with your husband especially if it affects the quality or puts a strain on your marriage and quality of life together, as that’s important too
But help her if you’re able too of course as it’s difficult for them nowadays but she is an adult now. Sign of the times 😬

Im so glad to read this update OP and hear that you all ended up reaching a solution that works for you 3.

wish you all the best xx

When I left home at 20, despite us not having the best relationship, my mum told me I’d always have a home with them if I needed it. Thankfully, I didn’t. My two are in their 20s and have left and been back a couple of times already. Currently the 26 year old is back living with us again so he can save for a deposit. He didn’t even need to ask because we also told them they would always have a home with us.
does your husband realise that by saying no to her in this instance, he is potentially damaging their relationship?

Thank you for the update. It sounds like your dh reacted instinctively originally as we all sometimes do, and couldn’t face a rerun of the difficult years. New he has had time to reflect on it, he has changed his mind.

You have a great plan, and when she leaves for the last time you will know you have done your absolute best to support her in life. Many/most of us will be in exactly the same position soon enough. The problems with housing is wide spread, and really affecting the young people in our communities. I hope it all goes smoothly op, and your dh’s condition remains stable.