Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

OP, your plan sounds good. I’m happy that you have a positive move forwards.

And good on you for highlighting that your DH is not a prick. He’s a human being with concerns and the right to re-think his initial thoughts if needs be. I don’t understand how many mumsnetters freely say “your DH is a dick”…it’s just so fucking wild to be talking to someone and happily insulting their spouse, who is a complete stranger to them.

It's very sad. It is obviously short term. Some ground rules set and it should be fine.

Glad to hear you have a plan OP. Hope it all works out.

sometimes knowing you have a bolt hole calms you so you can make anothe choice

4 years ago at the age of 39 I moved 'home'... with my husband and 3 children then age 5, 4 and a few weeks old! It was only for about 5 months while we had building work done but I'll always be grateful that my parents were able to do that for me. You need to talk to your husband and explain how you feel and why, as you have in your op. Refusing your daughter when she has come to you for help could do irreparable damage to your relationship.

Please read the update- they’ve agreed that their DD can move home and she knows not to revert to her previous behavior. It’s all sorted!!!

I would welcome either of my sons home, if they needed to retreat under the parental roof for any reason, but I do know it wouldn't be easy - we have expanded into their wardrobes, and drawers, and we eat when it suits us. We watch what we like on TV. Adjustments would have to be made on both sides!

How big a house do you have@MrsBennetsPoorNerves ? 😀I have a 3 bed with 1 reception room. 1 DH, 2 DC and elderly mum. If they all wanted to move in together, I would have to move out.

I am hoping they take it in turns!

Sorry if someone has already posted this - can I suggest you ask her to transfer you an amount each pay day as one of her conditions to guarantee the rent money she is avoiding is being saved and you will give this back to her when she buys a house?

I’m glad you are now agreeing, you and your Dh. If it hasn’t yet been raised, I’d put a limit on how frequently the boyfriend is allowed overnight or you might find him practically living at yours. Be really strict with expectations, you’re right, you absolutely need to be comfortable in your own house.

That is so sad. My lovely mum and dad both passed away recently but even last year when I was 40 (married and 3 kids). My room at home was still “my home” and I would have always been welcomed back anytime

My son is 19 living at home, drives me mad sometimes but I have told him that when he leaves that it will always be his home. My mum did that to my sister which was just the worst decision for my sister. Would never do that to my son. You could charge get rent and save it for her for when she moves out. I'm a band 5 not living in London and would struggle if I didn't already own my own home

Your children should always be able to come back to their home. Make no bones, if you choose to accept your husbands selfish demand over your daughters request for help, your relationship will forever be damaged and she will always feel rejected. It’s a line in the sand.

Honestly, if my husband took that stance, I’d tell him to find somewhere else to live for a year, and have my daughter back.

Your husband sounds awful. I would have my kids back with me without hesitation! And yes there would be ground rules with a view to helping them get back in their feet, but my home is their home. End of.

My DC would always be welcome to come home, it may be difficult but l would never refuse, your DH is being mean and l would override him but make some ground rules. How is she ever to save while paying rent ?

My parents did this for all of us at various different points. Can't imagine not doing the same for mine if they needed to.

My DS came home as post lockdown rents had gone through the roof. My DH was awful too but had to be reminded that life isnt the same as when we were young. Alot of adult kids are having to return home and using it to save. I am fully supportive of that. As I recognise the difference having been able to buy a flat with a 100% mortgage and get myself on the property ladder

This is very sad my boys are younger and incredibly messy to live with but they know if they are ever in trouble financially, relationship wise, mental health struggles they are always welcome to come home. I want them to come home and I want to be there for them as long as I am here. I went home to my mum when I was 30 and a relationship broke down. I cannot imagine how much more upset I would have been if she had not wanted me back.

Wow I feel sorry for your DD. I only have one child who has moved out so far. They are 24 and have bought their first house but when they left I told them that if life doesn’t go to plan, they will always have a home in my house. I still stand by this and it will be the same with my other two move out.

Surely your parents are the one person/s that you should always be able to rely on for help in life.

I know everyone is different but I just couldn’t imagine not letting one of them back home.

I think some honesty here is needed, having read your last update OP I think you are doing the right thing. The thing is, I would never turn our dd/sil/dgs away, so long as we have a roof over our heads, so would they. That does not mean any of us would enjoy it! I know as long my parents are alive they would never turn any of us away (and I'm in my 60s) but it would be an absolute nightmare.

I would never see a child of mine homeless but jeez, the thought of living with her now would fill me with horror.

All we can ever do is try our best to support our kids and hope for the best. Good Luck!

If you click See All, you can see OPs update and stop berating her!

I moved into my mum and step dads when I was 27 after I split up with my boyfriend.
I didn’t stay long, just 2 years, as I needed my own space and privacy, but had that not been an option when I left him I don’t know what I’d have done.
I think you should ignore your husband and let her stay on a temporary basis. It would definitely hurt her for you to say no to helping her out, especially in the current cost of living crisis.

I've read all your posts, OP, and glad you and your DH have reached an agreement.

Personally I think a year could be too long... I also think that your DD and her boyfriend should try renting together before they buy together, because living together can change a relationship so renting is a good trial before the commitment of joint ownership. If it was me I think I'd agree to her moving in for 6 months max and encourage her to rent with her boyfriend for a bit before they buy.

Erm.... he has to suck it up. Being a parent is for life I'm afraid.

She needs you so don't let her down.

Move your DD back in and DH out. He sounds very hard hearted and controlling.