Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

We don't have a big house... also 3 bedroom, though only 1 dc. I can't imagine any scenario in which they would all need housing at once, lol! But frankly, if they did, I would move heaven and earth to accommodate them, even if that meant some of us sleeping on an airbed in the sitting room for a bit!

Would her employment in the NHS make her eligible for a shared ownership scheme or something similar?

I remember reading about something like that when a friend of mine was looking for somewhere.

Which area of London would she want to be in as far as getting to work is concerned?

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable if you would also find it stressful and would bicker with your daughter. No one wants to live with constant stress and tension. And maybe compromise on 3 months maximum with your husband? If it turns out to be 3 months of hell, your husband will be proved right. If it's manageable for everyone, problem solved. And any chance DD and her boyfriend could both live at yours for a few months, then both go to his parents for a few months?

If you read the original post he has offered alternatives but on MN the female view must always prevail.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

I genuinely hope that your DH has had a change of heart rather than feeling pressurised into agreeing. I'm not sure in these circumstances that it is wise to allow her back home.

I don’t know why some people are being vile to you @worriedmum64.

I am so glad that a bilateral decision has been made on this as I think saying no would potentially damage your relationship with your daughter. I’m in my 40s and my parents have always said there is a home with them if I were ever to need it. That has always been clear and it is a nice security blanket to have.

I think rules and conditions are an excellent idea and if you really want to double down on this you could suggest a ‘trial run’ of three months so that she knows exactly what is expected of her and has the desire to keep up good behaviour.

I don’t think you’ll have a problem. Sounds to me like she has got herself together and you obviously have a warm and loving relationship whereby she felt free to make a not so easy request.

Enjoy your meet up tomorrow! 😊

Please support your DD.
She has reached out to you for help and your DH is willing to tell her she is not welcome home?! Unbelievable. Having the safety net of loving parents and a safe place to go is so important. Imagine if God forbid she found herself in real dire straights, or an abusive relationship etc. I would never want my DD to feel like she couldn't come home. Yes, have house rules or agreements or whatever you need to make it work as adults, but don't let your DH call the shots and push your DD away.

Although it may not be ideal I think it sounds like a good plan under the circumstances. I would just be telling DH she’s coming home, set some ground rules and that’s it. I couldn’t have him making this decision.

Frankly, as a man with two daughters at Uni there is always a room in our house, however, DH must have a good reasons for his response, put those feelings on the table and discuss them asking others opinions will get you nowhere just more frustration.
Be grown up and deal with it!

It’s so annoying that posters are giving their advice on such a long thread but not reading any of your updates ,which makes their opinions obsolete and to be quite frank,ridiculous,they are just talking into thin air. READ the fucking updates !

Great news op!

I turned up on my mums doorstep age 26yo 9 months pregnant 🙈 she welcomed me home (and my baby!)

I originally said I'd stay 6 months but actually stayed 3 years in the end.

My dd is now nearly an adult and I can't imagine any scenario in which she wouldn't be welcomed back home whatever age is.

I'm glad your dh changed his mind op and ground rules are completely reasonable.

OP - the life limiting health issue. Full stop!!!!!

I’m placing my bet on DH doesnt think he should have to bring it up. A bit demasculating no???

Loyalty to your offspring should trump everyone else. If she has asked for your help, you need to help her. Your DH doesn't make the ultimate decision here, he sounds cold and controlling.

I read your update and I want to wish you all the best of luck and a successful outcome to your time together. And well done for offering a very fulsome update.

Your husband is wrong. You don’t stop being a parent at 18. My children can always move back home whether they’re 25 or 45. I’m not sure how to get around it though. Tell your husband to move out for a year!

Great update OP - glad you are all on the same page.

The rental situation in London sounds awful. My sister who is much older and more established that your DD has now been priced out of London.

My Mum has always made it clear that I could go back home whenever, whyever. Even though I’m not sure either of us would really enjoy it! My DD1 recently left home and we’ve said the same to her. Will be the same for DD2. For me - it’s how family works.

It was good to see your update @worriedmum64.

I’m afraid I’m in a similar situation except I felt like your DH.

DD lived away from home for 3 years whilst at Uni but dropped out before graduating and actually passing her repeated 2nd Year.
She had no job, no income so had to come straight home.

It’s constant stress and arguments, she has suffered from depression and is quite the hypochondriac with regards to her physical health.

She’s now 23 and working as an HCA in NMW job so couldn’t afford to move out. DH is retired due to ill health so he spends more time with her though they both complain to me, about each other, the second I get back from work.

How sad. I hope when he’s old he doesn’t need any help from her. Just unthinkable that someone would be like that with their child. She’s not asking to move home forever, just for a period of time. People in other cultures just can’t understand how some British people are with their adult children. It’s just unthinkable to them.

My daughter has just insisted on watching TV for eight hours straight and nobody else coming in the sitting room.

She also shouted at me for 3 minutes because I bought the wrong kind of bacon.

it might be stuff like that…

DH and I are late 30s/mid 40s and both sets of parents would let us and/or our siblings move back if needs be. Whenever.

Our DD is little now, but providing she was happy to be respectful and contribute to the household (physically at least if not able to financially) she'll always be welcome to live in our home. We will always be her home, if she needs us.

Why is she allowed to behave like that in a shared home??

This makes sense. She's difficult to live with and your husband has his own challenges.

ETA: I'm glad you've found a way forward together. Hoping it's a peaceful time for all of you.

I just couldn’t imagine this. When my marriage broke down when I was 37 and my husband told me to piss off from OUR house, the first person I went to was my dad. It wasn’t ideal but he wouldn’t have seen me anywhere else. I was only “home” for a couple of months and he helped me with the deposit and first month’s rent on a houseshare (no buying anywhere for me as I was still paying my half of the mortgage on the house I bloody well owned), but he’d never have turned me away. I’d never turn either of my kids away either.