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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

162 replies

Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 13:33

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 12/12/2023 13:37

Do you get any back-up from her sisters? ie showing her what a prat she is being?

As it's the start of the holidays I would be tempted to get this out into the open in the hope that the rest of the holiday is better.

So I would explain why you mentioned the marshmellows and bathroom floor puddle - why did you? Were you being passive aggressive? Do you want her to stop doing these things? If so, tell her - please be more careful in the bathroom and clear up your own mess.

And ask her - did the new duvet and lovely clean room, bathbomb not make you feel welcome? Ask and see what she says?

She sounds extremely prickly but I would tackle it if I were you.

Setyoufree · 12/12/2023 13:42

I think the nitpicking re marshmallows and water is unnecessary and damages your relationship. It's sad she didn't acknowledge the nice things you've done but I think there's a good chance the negative comments are grating. It's hard to imagine how "you've left water on the floor" can be said affectionately?

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 12/12/2023 13:44

Setyoufree · 12/12/2023 13:42

I think the nitpicking re marshmallows and water is unnecessary and damages your relationship. It's sad she didn't acknowledge the nice things you've done but I think there's a good chance the negative comments are grating. It's hard to imagine how "you've left water on the floor" can be said affectionately?

Is it nitpicking? It's not really reasonable to leave water and food on the floor.

iamwhatiam23 · 12/12/2023 13:45

Tbh she sounds like a spoiled brat and I would tell her so! Stop tip toeing around her!

JoanOgden · 12/12/2023 13:50

She does sound sensitive, but I can see that the negative "jokey" comments may come across as very pointed and passive aggressive. If she has caused an issue, it may be better to explain neutrally ("could you be careful about not getting water on the bathroom floor, as it risks leaking into the ceiling below")

MilkChocolateCookie · 12/12/2023 13:53

I don't think you should let her get away with behaviour like that, but I agree with @JoanOgden that actually "jokey" comments can be worse than addressing it properly. It's more likely to sound patronising.

SomeoneYouLoved · 12/12/2023 13:56

She sounds spoilt and ungrateful. I have two sons similar ages and they are appreciative of all l do, always saying Thanks Mum, l appreciate it, when l do something like cook them a meal etc.
I'm also very straight, l will say "This is going to become a problem if you keep on doing it" they need to know, and it saves a lot of trouble in the future. They are mature enough to take it on board. I am a lone parent l don't have time to tiptoe around.

Gulbekian · 12/12/2023 13:56

I hear you and totally empathise. My 18 year old is just the same. If I knock myself out for her "Well, that's just what mothers do for their children", so I'm basically only ever as good as the last thing I did that she took umbrage at (like asking her to bring down the four mouldy cups from her bedroom). It's exhausting. Her most recent trick is to also expect an apology from me for my "transgressions" 😂. Jog on, Buttercup.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 13:58

@Setyoufree @Chamomileteaplease re the puddle in bathroom we were both in there at the time just getting sorted for bed using mirror/cleaning teeth and I just commented 'there's a puddle of water on the floor' and she said that wasn't me to which I replied 'its been there since I got home' so yes I guess that might seem a bit passive agressive - it wasnt said in any sort of way - it was merely an observation not an accusation.

Yes my other DDs have said she is being a brat when I've spoken to them about previous issues but I wouldnt mention this unless it came up in conversation as they are all close.

@iamwhatiam23 I think that's my problem, I am tip toeing around her - I can see that I am but I just can't seem to stop. I don't want to rock the boat and for everything to get blown up in the air. Its her birthday next week then christmas, I don't want a cloud of bad feeling over that. But I do need to pull myself together and stand up to her.

Being called abusive is a bit of a trigger for me as I know first hand what parental abuse is like and I would go to the ends of the earth to avoid ever being like that myself.

OP posts:
asplashofmilk · 12/12/2023 13:58

For some reason, whether you see it or not, your daughter has the impression that she is inferior to her sisters in your and possibly their eyes too. It was there when she was 18 and it's still there now.

You can complain all you like about how unreasonable you think this is, dismiss her, make fun of her, invite mumsnet to pile on, whatever you like - but none of this will do anything to improve your relationship and will likely push her further away.

You need to get to the bottom of why she feels this way. What were the dynamics of your family, are your other two daughters close, do you think she felt excluded there? Was she a bit of a black sheep or could she have felt that way for some reason?

tobee · 12/12/2023 14:00

asplashofmilk · 12/12/2023 13:58

For some reason, whether you see it or not, your daughter has the impression that she is inferior to her sisters in your and possibly their eyes too. It was there when she was 18 and it's still there now.

You can complain all you like about how unreasonable you think this is, dismiss her, make fun of her, invite mumsnet to pile on, whatever you like - but none of this will do anything to improve your relationship and will likely push her further away.

You need to get to the bottom of why she feels this way. What were the dynamics of your family, are your other two daughters close, do you think she felt excluded there? Was she a bit of a black sheep or could she have felt that way for some reason?

Or she could stop blaming her parent and begin to take responsibility for herself, her behaviour and how she reacts to things.

ProfessorPeppy · 12/12/2023 14:01

I know everyone always says this on MN, so feel free to take with a pinch of salt, but she sounds ‘rejection sensitive’, which is a feature of the neurodivergent spectrum. She’s also testing the boundaries as she’s not quite sure where she ‘ends’ and you ‘begin’ (again, neurodivergent).

I expect the dynamic between the two of you will take time to settle, then when you are comfortable again, she’ll have to go back to uni 🤦‍♀️

Deliadidit · 12/12/2023 14:05

tobee · 12/12/2023 14:00

Or she could stop blaming her parent and begin to take responsibility for herself, her behaviour and how she reacts to things.

Show quote history

This!

HamBone · 12/12/2023 14:06

I feel your pain, OP. We celebrated Thanksgiving with DH’s family in November and DD (18) flew in from uni. I picked her up from the airport and the entire journey was a catalogue of complaints about the decision to spend Thanksgiving with her grandparents and extended family, instead of at our home. Apparently we’d “ruined” it for her…even though this is what we do most years! 😂

After she’d got that off her chest and we’d all made a fuss of her, she cheered up and enjoyed herself, but I’m both looking forward to and slightly dreading her return home next week, as I expect our Christmas arrangements won’t be right either!

I think some of it is pent-up stress after living with other ppl for weeks, doing essays, exams, etc. We’re their safe zone and they feel comfortable having a good moan.

CactusPat · 12/12/2023 14:09

If she doesn’t want you to mention marshmallows on the floor…don’t leave marshmallows on the floor would be my take.

You’re not being unwelcoming, you’re asking her to respect you and your (collective) home, and undoubtedly you’d be saying the same to her sisters whether she believes that or not.

Seaweed42 · 12/12/2023 14:29

It seems you are pointing out ways her presence in the house is problematic for you.

She's a problem and a nuisance. She makes a mess, she spills water, and drops marshmallows.

If she is sensitive, then she will find the transitions hard - that is the arriving back and settling back home and then the leaving and settling into uni accommodation again.

She sometimes doesn't know where she belongs and if she's 'welcome' or 'wanted'.
Therefore that sensitivity means her brain is scanning for things to point out that she's not welcome.

Maybe she expected you to throw your arms around her and beg her never to leave again.

But she got 'there's a puddle on the floor' and 'someone dropped marshmallows there'.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 14:33

Thanks for everyone's comments and 'take' on the situation. I would just say that in the two instances I gave in my original post - the marshmallows and puddle, I wasnt trying to have a go at her - this is how she took it - and obviously must be because that's the way it came across to her.

So I do see that how I thought I came across and what she actually perceived are very different things. I obviously need to work on that.

Though I wasnt even trying to have a grumble at all. So maybe it was all unnecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 14:35

She is very glad to be home and I am very glad to have her home.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/12/2023 14:36

How does she get on with the people she lives with at University? Does she behave differently there?

Squash24 · 12/12/2023 14:40

I haven’t been able to read all the other responses, but she’s in an awkward period - I remember when I was there too. Not quite an adult but not a child, navigating living away from home but sometimes coming back, life has new dynamics and is coming at you fast. She also may be acting this way for other reasons - E.g is uni stressing her out, is money tight etc. So I would say you need to strike the balance right here and maybe not assume she’s just being a brat for the sake of it (or maybe she is, but who knows).

Octavia64 · 12/12/2023 14:43

I grew up in a household that did straight talking - please don't do this because X - and I would have (and did) find people who comment like you do passive aggressive.

It actually really upsets me.

If I'd gone to stay with someone and those were the comments they made I would assume that I wasn't welcome, to be honest, and would be planning to significantly reduce time spent with that person.

I have two at uni and when they come back it is an adjustment but I try to say that I'm glad to see them rather than picking at them about shit. I'd rather they were happy to visit than I had a perfectly tidy house and they never visited.

Silverbirchtwo · 12/12/2023 14:50

Is she having problems at Uni? Feeling a bit overwhelmed and then a bit of nit picking when she gets home. I didn't realise for a while how stressed my DD was at Uni, in the end she had a big melt down, she really needed a soft welcoming place at home. And it did feel a bit like walking on egg shells, but she really couldn't cope with any negativity at home on top of the stress from Uni.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/12/2023 14:52

Don't put up with it.
If she does this at work she will find herself in very hot water.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 12/12/2023 14:59

She’s nineTEEN, TEEN is the important bit.
Good news only 6 more years.
Honestly it’s 25 when the magic happens.

Original poster
Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 15:00

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea yes, soon to be 20-TEEN no doubt. But yes agree my 25 and 27 DDs are a delight. Not that there is any favouritism shown before anyone comments.

OP posts: