Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

[Positivelypatient]

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

I can see both sides of the argument. You are disappointed because you feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated. She feels picked at. I kind of think both are valid.

I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but if the marshmallows and the water are genuinely not an issue for you, why mention them to her? What are you trying to achieve? I know you said they’re ‘just observations’ but why? Wouldn’t it irritate you if someone kept ‘just mentioning’ everything you did wrong? I’d really take a minute to think about what is underlying that behaviour for you. Is it a misguided bid for connection? Is it secretly actually really grating on you? It’s really hard as a young adult when you’ve become used to your independence to move back home and feel like your parents are on top of you for everything, whilst also coming to terms with the fact that your childhood home isn’t really ‘yours’ anymore.

I know there’s a lot of ‘grow up buttercup’ sentiment from mumsnet but that’s not going to fix your relationship with your daughter. If the water and the food on the floor were genuinely upsetting to you then I’d say yes, it needs addressing, but if she’s generally a thoughtful, considerate person who occasionally makes mistakes (who doesn’t?) then why keep pointing it out to her? It clearly just makes her feel bad.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think she’s the issue here and she at least had the maturity to tell you why she was upset and not just sulk. I also think talking to your other daughters about it is a really bad move - I grew up in a single parent family and the dynamic of Mum airing her grievances to each of us really damaged our sibling relationships. Talk to your friends about it, not your other kids. Siblings are always in competition with each other and of course they’re going to side with you to gain favour. It’s only going to colour their opinions of each other and cause issues down the line.

whilst it feels good to hear ‘she’s being a brat, you did nothing wrong!’ That’s not going to fix things. I think you just need to accept that she’s feeling sensitive, and that whilst you didn’t mean any harm your behaviour is a bit nitpicky and just apologise and move on. It might mean the world to her just to hear “I was wrong and I’m sorry and of course I want you here, I bloody missed you you silly goose!”

And maybe you could do what she did for you - tell her how you feel. “I feel a bit disappointed because I made your room nice and got you a bath bomb and I feel a bit unappreciated.”

But she didn’t have a strop or a tantrum. She rather maturely told her Mum what was wrong - she feels unwelcome because every little mistake is being pointed out passive aggressively. Can’t Mum just apologise and move on? I mean she even admitted that the water and food wasn’t actually bothering her so why create an issue out of nothing?

Thank you! ‘Your house, your rules!’ And ‘she sounds like a brat!’ - neither of those sentiments are helpful! It’s also the daughter’s home, surely. I don’t think her Mum had done anything awful, and I think she genuinely is disappointed because she was looking forward to having her daughter home, but passive aggressively nitpicking over every mistake is genuinely kind of irritating behaviour and would make most people feel unwelcome. It doesn’t even sound like the daughter has a habit of disrespecting her space, or that her mess is even the issue so far as her Mum is concerned. People are so quick to jump to calling the daughter a brat because - what? She told her Mum her words upset her? That’s not bratty! That’s communicating like an adult.

Okay , sorry for all the comments I’m way too invested in this because the whole story is reminding me so much of my relationship with my Mum.

I was also raised by a single Mum with four kids and it is a different dynamic to a ‘normal’ family. I can see how hard it must be not having the emotional ‘backup’ of a partner. It’s also really clear you love your daughter and want to fix your relationship so I’m saying what I’m going to say next from a place of love, because I’m in your daughter’s position (albeit a lot older now!) and can perhaps give you a different/helpful perspective on how she might be feeling.

It sounds like you carry a lot of guilt/anxiety about being a single Mum and you worry about your daughters seeing you as a ‘bad’ parent. That’s is really insightful of you to recognise, and it’s so so valid and shows that you care a lot about your relationship. But I can tell you from experience that it is exhausting to be on the receiving end of.

It was the same with my Mum. She was always so concerned about being a ‘good’ parent, and overcompensating for leaving our Dad - and you really do pick up on that as kids. It makes you feel overly responsible for your parent’s feelings. My mums neediness and anxiety felt like a lot of pressure - I always felt like I wasn’t being a good enough daughter because I clearly was doing a terrible job of making my mum feel like a good mum, if that makes any sense? It also tends to make everything about you and your parenting, rather than about your daughter’s genuine concerns/feelings.

Looking back now it really wasn’t my responsibility as a teenager to be validating my Mums parenting all the time. Yes, of course your daughter should appreciate a home cooked meal and treats, but at the same time she should be able to get upset at her Mum nagging her (because that’s really what all the little comments are, even if you didn’t mean them that way) without it being taken soooo personally.

You honestly sound like a wonderful Mum. Your daughter is in that horrible in between state of not-quite-adult-yet and your comments irritated her. That’s okay. That’s normal. She had the maturity to tell you exactly why she was upset and didn’t make it about you (she said she felt unwelcome). It sounds like it’s sent you into a tailspin of feeling unappreciated and like an inadequate Mum - and that’s not really fair on her because that’s not what she’s saying at all.

If I were you I’d seriously consider therapy to process your feelings about being a single Mum. It would give you some additional support but it might take the pressure off your daughters a bit too. I think your relationship might improve drastically for it.

How do you think people become like that? It's usually a product of their childhood experiences i.e. how they were raised.

So it's not the discussion ender you think it is. If what you suggest is true, then op needs to think about why that is.

This is a very wise, brave post. I hope @Positivelypatient sees it.

Do you think she could have p.m.d.d? I only ask because my sweet daughter (currently 13) was diagnosed this summer, before this and since her hormones ramped up she thought we were all against her, we couldn't say or do anything right. Look into the symptoms and see what you think. It can be bought on by many different things, not just at the start of puberty.

It’s probably not about the water or marshmallows at all but maybe she does feel unwelcome in some way (I’m sure you don’t mean to make her feel unwelcome but teenagers are masters at inventing drama and it’s how she feels which is the issue here). Maybe because she the youngest - she sees her sisters being grownups and maybe feels guilty for being at home still. Would she have any reason to feel pushed out - you’re a single parent so is there a new partner on the scene, or maybe she thinks you want her out the way so you can get a new partner, have you mentioned moving house, downsizing, needing her bedroom back etc: something might have niggled and once that seed is sown, marshmallows and water will just back it up.

I'm just waiting for the day it is suggested on here that an arsehole MIL 'takes responsibility' for their relationship with other people [tumbleweed...].

Maybe she enjoys uni and doesn't want to be home and is sensitive. When I'm sensitive I don't like my spouse pointing out something I accidentally forget to do. I just want to be asked to fix the problem and I will.

I used to find that when mine came home from university it was like they regressed about ten years. Almost as if they did one big sigh that they no longer HAD to be responsible adults but could return to being the nine or ten year old who stuffed biscuit wrappers down the back of the sofa and argued with their sister about the TV.

It would take a few days to settle down, during which I tried to treat them like adults but got annoyed with them as though they were nine. Eventually it all sorted itself out and the shouting and arguing died down. None of them ever told me they didn't feel welcome though - any more than a nine year old coming back from a party would tell me that they felt they ought to be 'welcomed home'. It was just family life, reasserting itself.

I'm sure that a couple of days of tongue-biting from you OP and your DD sorting out where and how she needs to be a 'grown up' and where she can safely regress, and it will all be lovely again.

I always would , if I hadn't noticed i would appreciate being told instead of sarky comment like poster made