Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

[Positivelypatient]

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

Sorry, but I have an almost 19yo DD who has ASD/ADHD and is highly rejection sensitive (and not afraid to tell me about it!) but she manages to clear her own shit up (eventually) and doesn't take offence if I ask her to do so. Because it's a reasonable request.

I do think the "jokey" comments rather than straightforwardly asking her to sort her mess out probably haven't helped, but blaming potential neurodivergence for this situation is a bit of a cop out.

I do get the "walking on eggshells" thing, we went through it aged 14-16, but that was more because she was self-harming rather than because we were scared of provoking her anger. It's not a good way to be. She's actually come back from living away with a far greater appreciation of what it takes to run a household and a budget, and our relationship is lovely atm. Sorry OP, I know that's probably no help to you...

I think she's used to a chilled out atmosphere at university and people making a mess in their own space if they want to. Hence finding it nit picking, even it it wasn't meant that way. With the birthday thing did you ask her if she wanted a big group there? Perhaps she just wanted it to be her and you or just her, which is perfectly valid.

Generally everything she's doing is normal and working towards independence. For parents the gradual pulling away can be difficult.

My mum still fusses about around me, I don't need any help and she's more getting in the way than helping and she's 84. But I know it's well meant and she likes to and I try not to complain.

See this is where you're being disingenuous. By mentioning these things you are absolutely making a point to her but in a passive aggressive, annoying way. I can see why! She sounds over sensitive and reactive but you should have just asked her openly to tidy up the mess she had made.

Tbh I'd likely find her exhausting and I'd expect her to pick up and clean up after herself. She sounds very much like she has a woe is me and I'd find that bloody annoying and point it out expecting her to behave better. I also would have pointed out the things that you had done that demonstrated how welcoming you have been.

On the other hand though I do see how your comments could come across as being passive aggressive and that would make me feel unwelcome too. Maybe it's your parenting style? My parents have always been the direct sort and I much prefer it because at least you know where you stand and if I was getting on someone's nerves (without meaning to usually) I could sort myself out. In my dh's family they do more of the tiptoeing around people which they think is the polite way to do things but used to really annoy me. Neither style is necessarily wrong.

As you said, it's her birthday soon and you don't want to alienate her. Perhaps try to carve out some one on one time so you can chat about how she's getting on at uni and find out if there's anything she's stressed or nervous about. There might be a reason for why she's feeling fragile.

She sounds difficult but I think you need to have a very honest look at how you communicate with her.

There were marshmallows on the floor. You wanted them removed from the floor. Pointing it out without actually making a request was very passive-aggressive and it would have pissed me off. What stops you from saying ‘could you grab those overboard marshmallows and bin them please, DD?’.

She sounds just like my sister (who's now on her 40's) - takes everything personally and is always upset about something. Sometimes she even thinks you have said things you haven't and is offended at that. It's hard work and I think has caused her problems in life as well as her life being filled with heightened emotion (I think she might like the drama?) My parents have struggled to put boundaries in place and stand up to her for various reasons. I would do what you can to encourage your daughter to take things less personally and see things from other people's (your) perspective. Tell her about all the lovely things you have done to welcome her home. Hopefully with time she can change this pattern

1 or 2 of mine are high maintenance. It's normal for some.

A lot of the time when people say something like what your daughter said (negative, doesn't seem to match your perception) they just need a hug! I wonder what would have happened had you gone upstairs after that message, offered her a hug and said, 'I'm so happy to have you home, I'm sorry it doesn't feel that way. I really wanted you to feel welcome, which is why I cleaned your room, bought you a new duvet and bath bombs for the bath you said you were looking forward to.'

My husband and I try to do this for each other when someone says something a bit off or annoying and it's amazing how effective it is.

I am a bit surprised that you think making any comment like the marshmallows and the puddle could be genuinely jokey and affectionate though, so I wouldn't just blame it all on your daughter having a warped perception. I certainly wouldn't follow the advice of mumsnetters saying just stop tiptoeing around her - a surefire way of escalating the situation.

What on earth is there to be confused about?? Op's daughter is home from uni, being a messy brat and OP is tiptoeing round her.

It's hardly Pythagoras theorem

tell her that she’s more than welcome to find a new place to live?

@honeysuckleweeks

so lost. Are they actual marshmallows? I have no idea what anyone is talking about

What? What’s confusing about dropping marshmallows or the floor?

I think the key to this is to be neutral, not jokey or overly cautious. “You’ve dropped some marshmallows, do you want a biscuit with your hot chocolate?” Or “chuck that dirty towel on that puddle before one of us slips”.

It sounds like you are a little guarded, waiting for the complaining and she is over sensitive, just on guard for anything that could be considered as criticism. Even subconsciously you could both be on eggshells. If the above doesn’t work perhaps you need a conversation asking her why she feels this way. It’s worth trying to address now rather than it always being a ‘thing’.

I'm having hot chocolate and marshmallows!
Sounds great don't forget to tidy your mess please some seem to have escaped your cup

Make sure you add in the please

I have a sensitive dd the please was very important as was the walk away I used to say things like can you just sweep up your mess for me please, thanks! And leave the room so there was no room for argument

Tip toeing around her is only going to make things more difficult in the long run. She lives under your roof, even temporarily, then she abides by basic rules.

It will pass Op!

I'd be very careful what you post about her on the internet. You message you have another thread about her "in classics". So I presume she was held up to general ridicule there for her feelings? (Which may or may not be valid, actually, because we aren't in your family and we all know people tend to represent things in a skewed way that makes themselves look better - so I assume you tell it very much from your side.

Then this one, when you almost invite all the vicious posts about her being a "spoilt brat" etc, for leaving water on the floor - you probably know this sort of things is seen as tantamount to murder in the strange ethics of Mumsnet. You never defend her once no matter what cruel, derogatory things others say.

I can only go by my moen family relationships - my mom would never tolerate anyone speaking like that about me - not because I am perfect, but because she is my mom. And I wouldn't allow it of my daughter.

Yet you invite it on the internet. What do you expect to happen if your daughter ever finds these threads about her and recognises them?

My skin is prickling already while reading this. My mum does the exact same, walking on eggshells, making jokey comments etc. nothing is ever communicated in a straight forward way. Your daughter's an adult, not a child. They're marshmallows and a puddle..not exact wanton destruction. Just ask her to help you tidy away, and chat about other stuff at the same time. It doesn't have to be a 'oh no, wHat If SHe gETs AngrY' thing cos by changing your behaviour, you've already put her on guard. Yes you bought her nice things and cooked her meals, would you like a medal? Honestly, all you need to say is 'how are you sleeping? We found a new duvet so it should be lovely and snuggly.' 'what kind of meals would you like next week? Shall we cook together?' In short, park your neediness aside.

Honestly.. you’ve done nothing wrong. She is 19 and you shouldn’t have to pick up her marshmallows or dry the floor after her bath.

I have an 18 year old ds who is similar. If you try and guide him (all in a nice positive way, and sometimes in sheer frustration) it’s all turned around and I’m the bad guy. It’s very hurtful. I’m also a single parent and my kids are everything to me.

Have a friend with a 21YO Dd.. she is also similar and clashes with mum a lot when she comes home from uni.

No answers, just support, I’m still navigating through this difficult stage of parenting a late teen.

And all.this "your house, your rules" stuff people spout on here - NO! Can't you all see that this is a way of justifying domestic bullying and abuse?.(not saying OP is a bully - but it's a bad mantra to encourage). Someone's house is still an ordinary part of the moral realm and there are still reasonable and unreasonable ways they can treat someone in it.

Fucking obviously!

she is young, let it go

She does sound a bit oversensitive to criticism or feeling unwelcome but at the same time she perhaps needs it gently pointing out that it's a two way street. If I were you I would sit down with her an apologise for the comments, tell her it's a tricky transition going from being her teenage Mum to an adult Mum. Recognise she's been away and had all this independence and being treated like an adult and now she's back home and might feel a bit told off. Then say that she needs to realise that her actions affect others too and that you went to lots of effort with the duvet, cleaning and bath bomb and does she recognise how the lack of recognition from her and then her bits of mess being left could make you feel a bit invisible and like a slave? If she wants a more adult relationship it works both ways.

Oh god. Sit her down and force her to apologise for the fact that she didn't say thanks for everything? Serious???? It doesn't have to be a huge thing. Just engage in ordinary conversation, how are you? What's life like at Uni? Are you excited for Christmas? It doesn't have to be a YOU HURT MY FEELINGS NOW APOLOGISE. Honestly, you'll drive her away if you try that.

My mother made these kind of ‘jokey’ passive aggressive comments all the time. In the moment it leaves you wrong footed because you can’t respond in a way that takes the comment seriously, because it’s ‘just a throwaway comment’ but you know you’ve been told off.

Over time, it builds up a picture of simmering resentment and negativity that bursts through occasionally in these ‘jokey’, ‘throwaway’ digs that are never addressed.

If you can’t be honest with her about the fact that marshmallows on the floor have annoyed you, she will be wondering about what other negative opinions and feelings you are suppressing.

Just be straight with her. Ask her to to tidy up without any of the passive aggression. Then she will be more likely to believe the good things you do for her come with love.

Wow thanks for all the comments, they've actually really helped me to think more deeply about the dynamics of my relationship with my youngest DD.

I will be making an effort to be more direct with any future communication/requests to her. She is sensitive, that's true and my jokey comments haven't helped just caused other problems.

She's not been treated less favourably than the other DDs but I do think that because of the age gap she perceives she's getting told off and the others weren't. What she perhaps doesn't realise is that they too were told off/pulled up on things when they were her age (I'm talking early teens not now).

Part of the situation is also my own baggage from being a single parent and a really horrible divorce. My ExH (same dad all DDs) spent alot of time trying to alienate them from me. We had some tricky years trying to get back on an even keel together (me and DDs) and I think I am subconsciously worried that they will all at some point think I'm a bad mother again. So maybe the tip toeing and walking on eggshells around her is because of that.

Its hard being a single parent at any point, you don't have back up or anyone else to say hey, don't be so hard on her / lighten up.

But this isn't a pity party about single parenting, that was obviously a choice too.

Again thanks for the comments they are all so helpful.

I'm with PPs who've mentioned that there is probably an underlying issue, no harm in asking just to cover that base.

I wouldn't come out with it on the back of this though, I'd put this to bed first by saying we've both been used to a different dynamic so it's going to be tricky, but solveable with a little give and take.

I can empathise, it's shit, also a
parent to 3vof a similar age, and sometimes their reactions are on another level and I can't fathom where they're coming from.

Hope all goes well today x