Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

[Positivelypatient]

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

Sorry OP cross posted.

I'm a single parent too, it's lonely, especially when there's necessary arguments, you were right to make those points 🤗

Agree, I was married and working as an AHP in a hospital, DH was in the Army, good to know we could be having temper tantrums and strops and all would be fine due to our childlike under developed little brains...
Although how frightening then giving us all that responsibility!

Yeah you can still live an adult life I’m just saying that emotionally she may not be there yet, she’s reading a lot into innocuous stuff. Loads of people do things like go to work and have children and are still fragile and emotionally immature. Some people just mature earlier than others.

The best thing to do sometimes is douse someone in love while gently drawing your boundaries. For whatever reason OP’s daughter feels particularly sensitive to what she sees as criticism, she’s not going to just snap out of it if it’s a mindset.

I assume OP is at a loss because while she thinks her DD’s behaviour is unreasonable she still wants a positive relationship. Telling em straight isn’t always the way to go.

Not necessarily. At 19yo she might have preferred to go with a friend. If mum (and possibly sisters) spend the time nagging her then definitely preferred a friend.
Also I have two girls. dd2 should love a spa day. Dd1 would not particularly like one, but would go if we were going for the company. She would far prefer to go to a cafe together or even just play a game together at home.
Hence I wouldn't think it a fair present to book one for dd1 as dd2 would enjoy It far more.

It also reminds me of a friend who had 2dc. One had their birthday at Christmas and mum always made sure people were aware to give 2 presents as it wasn't fair if they had one (fair enough)
When it came to the other's birthday in June she always bought them a joint present, and asked people to buy both the children a present as it wasn't fair on the Christmas birthday one because otherwise he only got presents at Christmas.
June birthday child had a big flare up about the unfairness of this when she was mid terms and mum reacted similarly. It wasn't about, as the mum thought, about her being spoilt and grabby. It was, as she clearly said, about feeling that anything for her had to be for all, anything for other was just theirs.

I agree with others that you’re holding her up to ridicule and nasty comments on here without attempting to defend her. The passive aggressive “jokey” comments also suggest to me, and I would think to her, that you don’t take her seriously - you see her do something and roll your eyes as “oh my problematic daughter is being silly again” rather than treating her like someone you respect by telling her how you feel.

You’re telling her, in effect, that her choices and feelings don’t matter to you, you don’t really see her as a human being with a separate view of the world to yours, who deserves to be listened to with respect and understood - she’s just your silly daughter who’s demanding and does annoying things and who you roll your eyes at like an annoying pet.

I imagine this is the dynamic that’s upsetting her. Try seeing things through her eyes, imagining that leaving aside the specifics of incidents like puddles, she might really be feeling hurt and unwanted and like you don’t take her seriously or think she has a valid viewpoint? And, I imagine if she knew about these threads (and maybe she does) she would be very hurt indeed.

You are passive aggressive. It is very difficult living with someone as passive aggressive as you. You aren't particularly happy about her being home, you are anxious and still upset re previous behaviours (of course you are because nothing ever gets resolved with passive aggressives). Buying a nice duvet and making nice dinners does not show someone that you are happy they are there.... Anyone who has been to stay with a passive aggressive family member knows exactly how all of that feels.

And the fact your daughter is messaging you to say how she feels rather than just bringing it up at the time shows just how pa the household is.

If I went through to my clean floor and saw marshmallows and wasn't bothered I'd say nothing. If I went through and saw marshmallows and was annoyed I'd say...eh get through here and pick those marshmallows up I'm not your slave or something to that effect. You were annoyed but are so ashamed of admitting your real feelings you say you were "affectionately" bringing up the marshmallows....weird then that your daughter didn't feel any affection don't you think?

And to have bought a gift for all instead of just for her when you were already having issues with her seems just so clearly passive aggressive. And of course your daughter is easily made out to be the ingrate to your very generous offer but in fact it's just so clearly coded. Anyone who's navigated a passive aggressive close relative or partner can crack the code.

Difficult difficult dynamic to change. I think your daughter should move out as you will continue to be passive aggressive which is impossible to navigate... You will always be the victim, she will always be the problem. The eggshells are of your making. If you don't like them... It's up to you to get rid of them.

Yeah absolutely none of those explains why she thinks it would be OK to leave mess everywhere for her mum to clear up. That just shows a total lack of respect.

And can we, for the love of God, stop with the "brain not developed til 25" nonsense.

The dd will react like a child if she us treated like a child though.

First step is to treat her like an adult. Speak to her like an adult. No jokes, not being PA, not telling her off.
There will be much more chance fir her to then behave like an adult.

As someone with ASD/ADHD and massive RSD, it's the "jokey comments" that would upset me.

I would panic at the "jokey" "oh I see there are marshmallows on the floor" remarks. What am I supposed to do with that? What does it mean? It's not clear. If you want me to do something just ask. Don't make passive aggressive comments because you don't think I'm behaving right and leave me to panic about which way I'm not behaving right today!

Your daughter is being a spoilt brat. But go and give her a hug and say darling you are welcome but your mess is not. You are an adult now and should clean up after yourself. I have done ..... to welcome you home but I'm also your mother so I still have to show you how to be a good adult.

Personally I probably wouldnt have commented on the mess in the first few days because they do get very tired at uni and need more than 2 days to get over that. But you are still supporting her into adulthood and she is being a brat.

I see what you are saying @SapphireOpal but would you really not be able to tell that food/water all over the floor is an issue? It's not like "well sometimes that's ok so how can I tell if you're kidding this time?"

I know it's an issue - but the jokey comment confuses me. It then takes a lot of brain power and makes me stressed trying to work out what the comment actually means.

The OP literally SAYS she was joking and wasn't nagging to pick them up, so how is the DD supposed to know if what she actually means is "could you pick those marshmallows up please" if she doesn't use her words?

Thank you that does make sense.

No need to explain, just tell her to stop being such pratt. She is a grown up now.

If I were you just be straight. Can you please pick up those marshmallows.
Would you clean up that water before someone slips please.
I find someone making comments on the way you have worse than just being asked.
For some reason she feels this way and I'd be wanting to ask why and why she thinks you favour her sisters. Maybe you don't see it but she clearly does.
It works on both sides she needs to think and tidy up after herself and not go in a strop but you also need to just be clear and not patranonising and maybe ask her about how she feels.

Who snapped though? The op said her daughter was saying goodnight normally, then text her mum about how she was feeling unwanted in the house. It sounds like she was trying to communicate in a direct and healthy way.

On the classics thread there's very little detail about anything, other than op saying that her daughter felt worthless. I wonder if the daughter would have preferred going to the spa with just her mum, but got the message (wrongly or rightly) that she didn't deserve that, or wouldn't be enough good company on her own perhaps.

The "what are you like" way that op phrased the marshmallows comment in this post, esp if she is often compared to her sister's who are "a delight", might come across as a comment on her character that hurt her feelings. Again, she might be being particularly sensitive, but then if you know someone is sensitive, and you care about them, it's best not to link their minor messes to their personality type of it makes them feel excessively inferior and there is a better way to phrase it.

I'm not sure how much you read on the relationships board on here, but lots and lots of adults do have real temper tantrums, according some posts! Plenty of women are in real danger from such "temper tantrums" in fact. Esp from those tantruming adults who are weapon-trained like you mention, such as soldiers and police.

However op's daughter did not have a temper tantrum. She texted her mum privately about how she was honestly feeling in her home. Very different things.

I'm 44.

I'm quite messy. I own my own house and have grown up kids who are at university.

My mum still tries to tell me off in my own home when I do stuff she thinks isn't ok.

Apparently I use the wrong cutlery for pasta, my kitchen floor is messy and she also doesn't like the way I parent my daughter.

I'm sure she is trying to guide me to be a good adult but it's a bit bloody late now. All it does now is means I don't want to spend time with her. Then she gets pissed off that we don't all want to go on holiday with her. Well, no, because you spend the time being passive aggressive and whinging at people to tidy up.

I also pull the my house my rules trick which parents HATE having pulled on them.

No point, really, just maybe focus on the relationship rather than picking at people?

Am not really sure how you're linking that to abuse/violence from the police/military to women?

I'm referring to the last line of your post, where you pointed out how dangerous it is for adults with anger issues ("tantrums" as you called them) to be military-trained. I'm agreeing with you, essentially. There's even research showing the higher incident rate of DV (both victims and perps) compared with civilians: https://www.kcl.ac.uk/news/more-than-1-in-10-armed-forces-personnel-have-experienced-intimate-partner-violence-and-abuse

However OP's daughter did not have a tantrum, so I'm not really sure why you brought it up in the first place.

If you read the whole post it's re people who are saying a 25 yo is still expected to be 'child like' because of an underdeveloped brain but that this is something that can be grown out of, not the same as an adult male with anger issued.

Well you drew the useless comparison, not me.

Disagree but my last post about it on someone else's thread!

@Gulbekian i would stop trying so hard. It seems like nothing is ever going to be good enough for her and she’s sounding like a spoiled entitled princess!!

Or she could just be one of those people who have a chip on their shoulder and feel that everyone is against them, never see that their actions could be causing problems etc….. I know a few of those!