Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

[Positivelypatient]

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

Oh, I agree the daughter is behaving childishly but I don't think she will change overnight without 'encouragement' and the OP is an adult and aware of the effect of her words and actions. She can decide to be bluntly honest about all the brattish behaviour or choose her battles.

Why don’t you just shout, ‘Mary, you’ve left marshmallows on the floor. Come and pick them up’, or ‘Mary, come and dry the floor in the bathroom’. Do you normally pick up after her? She’s a grown adult now - you shouldn’t be clearing up after her.

"Throwaway comments" are often passive aggressive, and if you know your daughter is feeling sensitive and your relationship has been fraught, there's no need to stir things up is there? Either say nothing, or act like an adult and say what you want - "Can you please be careful not to leave a puddle after your shower? Thanks!" or "Can you go and pick up the marshmallows you dropped in the kitchen now?" Those are very reasonable things to ask if you ask them pleasantly.

It's immature and passive aggressive to just keep saying pointedly "You did the wrong thing" haha I'm just joking, but I'm really not, and to expect to have a good relationship with her.

Just be yourself but if you want to comment on a wet floor, for example, be confident to talk about it up front - no joking.
Sandwich it between two other non jokey comments.
Did you enjoy the scent of your bath bomb? There were others to choose from.
Oh, DD3, could you please mop up the water from the floor, it really does help the bathroom stay less slippery.
Would you like to visit the new coffee shop near the gardens later this week? I'd love to show you, I think we would enjoy it.

Don't dwell on her reactions but expect her to behave like an adult. If she becomes dramatic ignore her....
DD3, you really are over dramatic; I am asking you to merely mop up your water like the rest of us do.
DD3, spilt marshmellows do not make you lesser in my eyes; I should be allowed to request you pick them up without you over reacting. (Ignore)

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I haven't read that thread, but if it is as you have described here, you gave a birthday gift to your older daughters as well, instead of singling her out as special on her birthday - that's pretty insensitive.

To have all her sisters and mother with her on a day spa treat WAS extra special. Shared company was part of the treat.

I think any other young woman would have loved it best that way.

I agree with OP here in that Dd was ungrateful and that the gift was generous and well meant.

This thought did pop into my head too, my Autistic DD doesn't understand joking
comments like this and she is very sensitive to anything she feels she's done wrong, takes on blame and discounts herself. I'm much more careful how I speak now. When she seems to have misunderstood me I explain what I actually meant, but that doesn't always stop the internal dialogue and the feeling of not being good enough. She often hears blame when there is none.

Perhaps your dd is a highly sensitive person. You’ve been in the adult role all her life and albeit she is technically an adult, she has a long way to go yet. The comments could be interpreted as passive aggressive especially as she already feels less loved.

It sounds as though you would have liked some kind of acknowledgement from your dd about the new bedding and duvet cover. It also perhaps sounds as though your dd wants some kind of acknowledgment also. I think you’re trying to please her, ultimately to be accepted, appreciated and so forth. She also wants to be accepted and feels she is loved as much as her older sisters. Perhaps the two of you are more similar than you realise and there’s some kind of mismatch going on.

As the parent, you can model behaviour and give your dd what you are looking for, to ask for the same back from her… in a kind and loving way. Maybe she will respond and you will both learn to do things differently. Different things work for different people and just because everything is fine with her sisters, it isn’t with your dd.

If you have time, maybe you could take your dd out for a coffee and a chat or a meal. Tell her how much you were looking forward to her coming home. That you bought her new bedding because you want her to know how special she is to you and how much she is loved. That maybe she sometimes feels as if she isn’t as good as her sisters and that was never your intention. You want to learn how you can both live in a loving and mutually respectful way.

The water and marshmallows are minor really. My 15 yo dd can leave water on the floor after a shower. I mop it up with the bath mat and ask her to be careful as leaving water on the floor is a slip hazard. As your dd hadn’t finished, maybe she intended to pick up the marshmallows once she had. Your comments put her on the defensive, as though how she is doing things isn’t good enough rather than the reality, which is they’re just different. Eg If I drop onion skin on the floor, which is easily done as it’s so light, I pick it up once I’ve put the food on. Dh will pick it up immediately.

Not that this is excusing her behaviour but just to add that I didn't stop being a dick until I was in my early 20s. My mum and I still clashed throughout my time at uni. I think I just needed a few more years to grow up.
I'm now in my 40s, have recently moved back to the town I grew up in with my kids and get on really really well with my parents.

The other way of looking at that is all the ‘girls’ got a present of equivalent value on dd3’s birthday. However, when it comes to their birthdays, dd3 doesn’t get a present.

I have a brother, who has been treated as the golden child and would have been pissed off to have received a gift, which involved him getting something of equal value on my birthday.

How will she handle the working world/ with all the constructive (and non) criticism she’ll get? She needs tougher skin

100% agree with this! Stop tip toeing around her and allowing her to behave like this! Especially towards you. Maybe there is some back story as to why you seem to be allowing her to do this but you really need to start snapping back!
X

I agree, it's not nitpicking!! Honestly, it really isn't reasonable for someone old enough to be at uni to not clean up after themselves. Why should OP, who presumably is working, have to clean up after someone who is on holiday, or even have to point out to her DD that something needs to be cleaned up?

Meh it’s an age thing, her brain still hasn’t fully matured, she may be feeling a bit isolated at the moment, something may be going on at uni.

Just give her a massive hug and say “I love you, I love having you at home and I miss you when you are away, but stop leaving shit all over the floor”. I think also people tend to be blind to stuff you do, like cooking meals for her may just feel like normal stuff you do so she doesn’t see it as extra.

Oh, not the "her brain still hasn't fully matured" rubbish again. Do you think those of us who were actually out working full-time at the same age, or younger, carried on like this? My friend was married with a baby by that age - pretty sure her brain had matured enough to clean up after herself.

So lost. Are they actual marshmallows? I have no idea what anyone is talking about.

Your comments are coming across as nagging her. I think you need to either outright say, clean the floor/marshmallows or do it yourself and tell her to clean up the next time. I think your “little comments”/“observations” pointing out a puddle or a marshmallow is coming across as passive aggressive

But OP, why weren’t you trying to have a grumble about those two issues.

She is an adult. She shouldn’t be leaving sugary crumbs on the floor to get walked into carpets etc. she shouldn’t be leaving puddles of water in the bathroom …it’s dangerous, - what if you slip and break your wrist and then can’t drive, can’t work, can’t cook etc etc.

The problem occurs for her because you aren’t direct enough at the same time as her being a bit entitled which you suggest she has always been.

Even if you have to preface every grumble with ‘I love you, but ‘ you must still tell her directly so there is no mistaking what you mean.
This is your own very hard-earned house. Yes it’s still her home for now, of course it is. But that doesn’t mean she can feel entitled to the right to make a mess and not be corrected.

Her making that connection between being told off to mean you no longer welcome her home is self-indulgent nonsense. She is just trying it on so that she can feel free to do as she likes …pushing your buttons…and having you pick up after her while she feels like a hero back from uni, entitled to every home comfort going and more.

Show your love for her and pride in her yes, but stop walking on egg shells around her. Let her know it’s still your house, your standards of cleanliness and tidiness. And your standards of respect and consideration are expected from her.

I’m staggered that you feel so confident in making this interpretation. Unless you know the people in question, this is totally misplaced and potentially quite damaging. It also nicely puts the responsibility for everything on to OP 🙄

Bloody hell, why does every issue become 'neuro divergent/ASD' etc etc..

Sounds like enabled behaviour. If I spilt something, I'd clear it up, wouldn't think anyone else was going to do it for me, so right there is an expectation that she doesn't have to bother, because you'll do it.

I have a DS (25) who will drop/spill/leave stuff because he 'can' as I will (eventually) do it. He is not in the least ND/ASD/ADHD..I've just enabled this behaviour, so I've made a rod for my own back. Am also a single parent, Father not present.

Sounds like there’s a problem you both need to work on. She’s not noticed marshmallows on the floor or taken care to dry the flooor in the way you would expect. You’ve made a passive aggressive comment. She’s raised it makes her feel unwelcome to nitpick and you’ve said she’s accusing you and not grateful for the other stuff you’ve done to make her feel welcome.

you also say you’re triggered by her accusations as you know first hand what parental abuse is like. This stands out.

seems like you both might need some talking therapy and inner work to a) take more notice of what mess she leaves when in the family home b) you to address things in a conversation of equals rather than passive aggressive comments. Also both of your ability to take feedback on house hold tasks without seeing it as so personal and it triggering both of your defences.

you might be trapped in a cycle like you were with your own parents.

it needs sorting now as it will only grow.

💯% this. There is a significant age gap between this daughter and your other two daughters. It sounds as if you are still treating her as the baby of the family and as if she is much younger than her age. She comes across as rather spoilt, to be honest. She is a young woman now and needs to grow up. She needs to respect your home. The same rules for everyone. No need to tiptoe around her and no "jokiness" as that can be irritating. A straightforward "please clean up the marshmallows you have spilled/the water on the floor" is enough.

Wouldn't you sweep up things you dropped on the kitchen floor?

Perhaps she wants to feel special and like you’re excited to have her there.

I think she has been building up coming home and now feels nagged or picked at? This would also link to your old post about the spa, the gift that actually benefitted everyone didn’t make her feel special?

Could be something to do with being the youngest. Not saying it’s right, but this might be how she feels.

I think you should be careful here. I reckon she is building an inaccurate case in her mind and this will go on and on, getting bigger, unless you challenge it.

You described how "I just said I didnt mean to make her feel unwelcome and that was not my intention and I apologised if what i said made her feel like that." I think you should respond very differently; much more assertively. I don't think you should apologise for inappropriate accusations. I think you should turn the tables, say you are disappointed that she is dismissing your loving gestures, that they feel tarnished, and that her decision to misread and manipulate throw away comments makes you feel sad and disappointed. Let her throw her tantrum, be loving, but stand your ground on the points.