Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

[Positivelypatient]

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

She's 19, she needs to pick up and clear up after herself! She's on a break from university, plenty of time to pick up and clean up.

I'd say that, OP. Next time she does the 'You make me feel bad' number, say 'No, you choose to feel bad, I can't make you feel anything — and try for a minute to imagine how I feel, being expected to pick up your mess. You're welcome here, but it's not a hotel and I expect you to clean up after yourself.'

If she doesn't like it, too bad. Obviously if she's been used to you tiptoeing around her to keep her happy for years, it's going to come as something of a shock.

@Hydrahelix the DD in question is 19 not 21.
hormonally and brain development still a ways to go.

Yes, I agree with this. I remember finding it very difficult during the first few days of being home from university going from being an independent adult to a child in the family home. I think it's quite common to go back to childish ways of behaviour because of this weird limbo-y situation.

I also found the weight of my mother's excitement at having me home again quite difficult to bear. She was super-excited to have me home and I....wasn't. And she'd sense that and feel 'rejected' and get a bit snarky and I'd be super-sensitive to her being narky. I wonder whether she's interpreting your disappointment that she's not happy to be home as rejection?

And more generally I would say that it's very difficult to extricate yourself from being the "difficult" child when that's been your role (for whatever reason) all your life.

I'm not sure whether any of this is the case for your daughter, that's just how it was for me. What I would say is maybe just have really low expectations. Do nice stuff because you want to, not in the hope that she will be grateful and easier to be around. And if she looks for reassurance then give it, but lightly. Try not to end up in a cycle of trying to please her and feeling hurt when she isn't grateful. Regardless of the reasons why she behaves this way, you maybe need to try and not let it affect you to protect yourself.

It sounds like she has a classic case of youngest child syndrome, ie thinking the world revolves around her and her precious feelings. She'll grow out of it.

Honestly, I would have said “I’m sorry you don’t feel welcome Darling, but the red carpet is being washed.”
Just remember that you are always welcome here, but this is our house. Treat it and treat me with respect and we won’t be having this type of conversation.

OP, just quickly - my 19 yr old student DD and yours must have been separated at birth...

You are making it about you a bit though, aren’t you?

She’s trying to tell you that your passive aggressive comments are making her feel unwelcome.

Rather than acknowledging and addressing that, instead your turning it into “well you don’t appreciate all the things I do for you” (ie further criticism)

@fishfingersandchipsagain I didnt say any of that to her though (about all the things I;ve done for her) - I just said I didnt mean to make her feel unwelcome and that was not my intention and I apologised if what i said made her feel like that.

I just came on here because I was feeling bad about things.

We always needed a week or two to settle when AC returned from uni. Only then did our routines and expectations align. It took another few weeks for us to adjust when they left.
Your observations, imo, partially reflected a pleased “I can tell you’re back,” plus I’m used to living on my own with dry, hygienic floors so buck your ideas up and don’t argue.
Give it time but she does sound rather spoiled and sensitive. Smiles and hugs will work but not capitulation - don’t walk on eggshells with her. You both need to be upfront here.

I don't like it when my mum says things like that and I am 52. When I was 9, the headteacher phoned her to tell her about something special (good) I had done and when I got home she told me that she had had the phone call at exactly the wrong moment for something that was in the oven. She probably didn't mean anything by that but I feel very criticised all the time. Everything about me is some form of inconvenience. My siblings don't find her like that so i know its my fault but i wish I could ask her just to not do it.

Speaking as the parent of a young woman, perhaps you need to start thinking of her as you would another adult rather than as your adult child. There is a difference, albeit a subtle one, and I still get caught out fairly often.

Ah! Fair enough then 🙂

She sounds chronically insecure and oversensitive. And also a bit entitled not to think that it’s on her as an adult to clear up her food or water from the floor.

Jusr hope she moves out soon after uni.

Oh, yes, I’m guilty of that!
Don't lose sight of the fact you’re preparing her to cope in the workplace where she needs to fit in.

Well, I am nearly 50 and if I left marshmallows on the floor in my parents house, they absolutely would have something to say about it.

I think at the end of the day, independently at uni or not, she's still not much more than a child and still definitely a teenager, so there's an element of just rolling your eyes/ignoring some of the shittier responses. Pick your battles all that.

So re the marshmallows, if she had a go I wouldn't even get upset I'd just say, "marshmallows on the floor aren't okay. please just pick them up" exactly the same way I'd respond to either of my DCs who are currently 13 and 8.

Don't tiptoe around her. Be very direct. Say: I bought a new duvet to welcome you home. I bought you a bath bomb to welcome you home. I have cooked your favourite meals to welcome you home. If I comment on mess, I am commenting on mess, not showing you are unwelcome. You are welcome: messy and welcome!

Also, if you've always been a bit cautious about this, it's entirely possible that at some point, like children do, she figured out that by accusing you of this, you're likely to back down/give her whatever she wants. Children and teenagers are manipulative.

so coming home and leaving mess is just to be ignored because one of The Golden Offspring deigns to visit?

My DDs would be ashamed of leaving mess like that.

Sounds similar to my brother. You're constantly treading on egg shells incase you upset them. Everything is a trigger. I don't think these kind of people ever grow out of it. They are always the victim and you are the 'bully'. I would give her some home truths but like my brother, would never accept what you do for them.

Thanks for all your comments - they are appreciated.
Just to say though, I wasnt even have a moan about the marshmallows it was a throw away comment as she said she was looking forward to having them and squirty cream on a hot choc so when I saw a couple of stray ones on the floor is was nothing more than a throw away 'ah I see the little marshmallows on the floor haha' type comment. I wasnt asking her to pick them up or even moaning at her. It was affectionate. Which is why I am a bit non-plussed by the reaction.

The water again wasnt me giving her grief for it being there or not wiping it up.

I mean, dont you ever just comment on something without having to worry about how its taken, in the normal course of day to day life?

I wasnt trying to have a go at her - this is how she took it - and obviously must be because that's the way it came across to her.

Or that’s how she interpreted it - because she automatically assumes the worst rather than just a statement.

One way to try is to not make any comments. NOT because it’s nitpicking as one mentioned or because it’s PA but simply to allow time to settle things down and her not too have such a hair trigger.

I think it’s also worth remembering that she is now at Uni and is living her life the way she wants and NEVER has anyone making comments about water in the floor or disagreeing in when she should sweep the floor.
That will have an impact too - she wants to live one way. You have another set of expectations. Who is to say that one person is ‘right’ and the other is wrong?
Plus of course, she’ll want to be treated as an adult. You ‘correcting her’ about sweeping the floor is being in a parent mode.

So maybe try to react with her as you would with an adult friend?

It's tricky when they return from uni in the hols, for both of you.

You're used to the house to yourself, getting up/returning from work to a house as you've left it. They're used to leaving piles of shit all over the place (not all but most student houses are manky). It takes some adjusting.

I had something like this from my son when he was about 21 and had lived away from us since he was 17.
He expected the house to run round him on his schedule and one night was told me that he didn't feel welcome ' in his own home'
I couldnt be arsed with pussy footing around not hurting his feelings and told him if he behaved like a bloody spoilt brat making demands and causing chaos then, actually no, he wasn't welcome to live with us. However, if he acted like a grown up, took responsibility for his shit he could stay as long as we wanted. He was told he had two choices, stay or ho I didn't mind which.
Things improved significantly from the following morning.

'ah I see the little marshmallows on the floor haha' type comment

But what it’s the actual humour in that comment? What is the joke?

I can’t help but interpret it as “haha you’re so shit at this stuff, we both knew you couldn’t even manage something as simple as this - haha. I’m going to belittle you and pass it off as a “joke” so you can’t be offended”

It’s not a joke. It’s not funny. It’s just a passive aggressive comment. Far better just to say “please don’t leave food on the floor” or “the marshmallows spilled, could you clean them up please”

Stop with the jokey comments- that is you not wanting to confront her.
just tell her to pick up the mess she makes.
she is absolutely old enough to be considerate and not make a mess. She is being lazy.