Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Really thought I was through all this..adult DD

162 replies

Positivelypatient · 12/12/2023 13:33

But here I am again, with my youngest of 3 adult DD (19)
back from uni 2 days and I've been accused of making her feel 'unwelcome'.

My crime? I honestly jokingly commented from the kitchen that there were mini-marshmallows on the floor - this was in a kind of affectionate 'what are you like' way and last night, because I noticed there was a puddle of water on the floor in the bathroom from her shower. Again, nothing more than a comment and certainly not being grumpy or nagging.

Said goodnight in the normal way then got a message to ask if I didnt want her her home as I keep picking at stuff she's doing and its making her feel unwelcome.

No mention of the nice new thick duvet and clean bedroom she came home to, or the bathbomb I went and bought from lush because she said she was looking forward to a bath. Or the meals I have cooked her every evening since she returned.

She has form for this, there is even a thread I started which is now in mumsnet classics - back then when she was turning 18 and I had the audacity to suggest I book an expensive spa day for us all (me, her and 2 sisters) but was accused of making her feel worthless (as it would be a treat for us all rather than just her).

I am just so disappointed and feel like Im back to treading on eggshells. In response to last night's accusation I tried to explain that I meant nothing by it, they were throw away comments no malice or nastiness intended. She said that it is how its made her feel. Yes I understand she is entitled to her feelings and opinions. But there is just no thought about how upset she is making me feel. Its pointless me saying any more about it, as I will be accused of making it all about me.

Apart from these random childish outbursts, we get along fine, I am supportive both emotionally and financially and in any other way I can think of. Im a single parent and have been since she was 6. Her dad is unreliable and never so much as paid child support so I have been the backbone of the family since forever.

No real point to this thread, just feeling a bit sad and disappointed.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 12/12/2023 16:07

If she continues saying you make her feel unwelcome, it wouldn't hurt for you to point out the specific things you did for her return (new duvet, bath bombs etc) and ask her why you'd do that if she wasn't welcome. It isn't about "look at everything I do for you" in a general annoying parent way, but addressing her specific accusation that you don't welcome her.

Of course you need to pull her up on things like spilling food on the floor, and she needs to understand that it doesn't mean she's unwelcome but that food on the floor is a no-no. I say to DS "DS, can you make sure you pick up spilled food like these marshmallows, because we don't want to attract mice and cockroaches into the house". It's explicitly an instruction with an explanation, that can't be interpreted as a needless criticism of him.

I hope she stops being like this when she's grown up a bit. The performance with the spa trip was appalling.

Theonlywayisupnow · 12/12/2023 16:12

The arsehole phase In a lot of teens is often very short and passes quickly. Sometimes it lingers longer and is directly correlated to their maturity in other ways.
she’s just not reached that tipping point yet of becoming a proper woman and the social, emotional awareness that it brings and I wouldn’t pay it too much heed. Learn to roll your eyes quietly, smile to yourself and know that by the laws of genetics and probability that she’ll Likely have a daughter Exactly like this herself one day. You’ll laugh about it then.

QOD · 12/12/2023 17:07

my 25 yr old is the same. she bangs cupboard doors, slams the fridge shut - i ask her not to and she says i am nagging her.
yeah i am ? what of it. both her dad and i manage not to slam the integral fridge door hard ...
i ask her to put her washing up in the dishwasher, but putting it in the sink should be good enough >
etc. they just mean and hormonal 5% of the time and lovely the other 95% lol

Brefugee · 12/12/2023 17:58

I wouldn't be walking on eggshells, OP, i'd tell her to grow up and stop being a diva. And to tell me specific things that made her feel "unwelcome" and then as pp said point out the duvet, the bath bomb etc etc.

One of my DCs used to say "you're using a tone" but completely denied it when "using a tone" herself. And then realised, after one of her friends told her to get to fuck, that everyone "uses a tone" and it's what makes speech interesting to listen to.

You'll get through it, but you shouldn't feel "unwelcome" or "uncomfortable" in your own home.

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 22:01

JoanOgden · 12/12/2023 13:50

She does sound sensitive, but I can see that the negative "jokey" comments may come across as very pointed and passive aggressive. If she has caused an issue, it may be better to explain neutrally ("could you be careful about not getting water on the bathroom floor, as it risks leaking into the ceiling below")

I would agree.

She needs to be more aware of other people but that needs to be explained to her in a straightforward way

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 22:03

… and absolutely point out the things you’ve done to welcome her.

Be more direct

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 22:03

QOD · 12/12/2023 17:07

my 25 yr old is the same. she bangs cupboard doors, slams the fridge shut - i ask her not to and she says i am nagging her.
yeah i am ? what of it. both her dad and i manage not to slam the integral fridge door hard ...
i ask her to put her washing up in the dishwasher, but putting it in the sink should be good enough >
etc. they just mean and hormonal 5% of the time and lovely the other 95% lol

25 is really pushing it for this carry on..

Mumoffourkiddos · 12/12/2023 22:24

Personally as the least favourite kid and the one that will always be wrong (also the one who does everything she can for all her immediate family) I would take offence to my parents or sister commenting like you have about both things... I would be upset and would feel like they didn't want me there too it breaks my heart daily to always come last to them and feel like an outsider in my own family

Taurusandvirgo · 12/12/2023 22:28

She needs to move out. Because she doesn't feel welcome, not because you're making her unwelcome. All you want is basic respect, she doesn't want to give it, she wants to be messy and have everyone else put up with it and not mention it. To do that she's going to need her own place.

It's a natural progression of growing up that a person reaches a point they don't want to follow someone else's rules. That's the point when they need to become more independent, it's for the best. At least in a flat share where she's paying her share of costs she'll have as much right to be messy as her flatmates do to be tidy and they can argue it out between them. Then she'll start to realise that respecting shared spaces is an easier and more harmonious way to go through life, instead of constant argument.

There also won't be the whole parent/child dynamic going on which rightly or wrongly is making her feel rejected. A disagreement with you is a disagreement with someone who holds all the power, a disagreement with flatmates is a disagreement between equals. You'll get on with each other a lot better once she doesn't live with you any more. She'll be able to have her privacy and won't feel judged by you because you won't know what she's upto on a daily basis or what her standards or morals are, unless she tells you, so you won't have an opinion on it.

NoThanksymm · 12/12/2023 22:56

You are not doing anything wrong!!

she is still a teenager and in need of mothering. Talk to her.

and yes she is still a teenager with hormones! Again point out the stuff, all the love she missed, and that her being a bratty teenager ( yeah, don’t say that, but the facts of disrespecting you and your house) is disrespectful. And your teaching her to be a grown up!

and yes. She’s home from uni, probably totally drained, so feeling things a little more raw!

but you can’t leave this. Not when she has a history and you have an obligation to turn out the best human possible.

good luck.

Setyoufree · 12/12/2023 23:06

I guess it depends whether you're actually bothered by what you're saying is a couple of marshmallows falling in the floor. You say it's a non issue, so why comment at all? I totally get people saying about diva behaviour but I guess it all depends how many of these sorts of comments there are and how brattish her behaviour is, impossible for anyone here to say. But I do know from experience that it's very easy to fall into a habit of constant comments that you didn't mean anything by but are received badly

ChanelNo19EDT · 12/12/2023 23:13

That sounds really tough. Like, she cannot take any feedback, and we all have to.

I tell my daughter her showers are too long. I tell her there's hair in the plug because I won't be trained to never ever raise an issue !!

ChanelNo19EDT · 12/12/2023 23:26

Vuurhoutjies · 12/12/2023 15:49

Also, if you've always been a bit cautious about this, it's entirely possible that at some point, like children do, she figured out that by accusing you of this, you're likely to back down/give her whatever she wants. Children and teenagers are manipulative.

I agree with @Vuurhoutjies

I'd be tempted to say "i"ve let some things go because you interpret it as my not caring. I see now that letting requests for various considerations go out of fear of you yr reaction has been pointless. .

Mariposista · 12/12/2023 23:36

She sounds very entitled and bratty!

You sound like a great parent and the other 2 have turned out fine. Has she been given special treatment in the past?

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 13/12/2023 00:28

If you don't want people commenting on you making a mess, don't make a mess. It's that simple.

Your daughter is going to come across a great many people in life whose "tone" she does not appreciate, she's going to have to get used to it. Besides, from what you've said, I doubt a straightforward "Don't leave marshmallows on the floor" would have been received any better than you trying to say it jokingly.

You sound pretty sensible about this, OP. Some of the accounts on MN of people tiptoeing around their adult children's tantrums are frankly sickening, Don fall in to that trap.

Begsthequestion · 13/12/2023 01:19

What's the dynamic like with you and her sisters? You describe them as "a delight" - did either of them go through a stage like this? Has the youngest always seemed different to how they are?

LE987 · 13/12/2023 01:21

My sister is like this, has been since a young teenager and now in her 30s, everything is a drama and everyone making her feel bad, everything is always everyone else’s fault never hers, always playing victim and taking offence to EVERYTHING. Drives me nuts constantly treading on eggshells. Hopefully she will grow out of it OP.

nameychangio675 · 13/12/2023 01:22

Can you link the old thread in classics please OP?

curaçao · 13/12/2023 01:37

She is very sensitive and insecure.she cant help how she is made.pick your battles

Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 02:08

It's so easy, even when they're adults, to slip into parent and child roles. So you need to approach things differently. Don't tiptoe around her but think what you're actually expecting when you point out puddles of water or dropped food. If you want her to clear them up just ask her, if you're planning to do it yourself get on with it (she's not realistically going to apologise and clear up when you just mention them). If you want her to thank you for a bath bomb you probably have to mention how much fun you had choosing it, to get her to thank you for a meal ask if she's enjoying it. If you model adult conversations with her hopefully she will respond the same way. And tell her how glad you are that she's home.

Josette77 · 13/12/2023 02:17

Do your older daughters and her have different Dads?

Aria999 · 13/12/2023 02:19

I mean, dont you ever just comment on something without having to worry about how it's taken, in the normal course of day to day life?

I think the point is that you always have a reason for making a comment even if you haven't analyzed it yourself.

You could be just making conversation 'nice weather today' but probably not because you are in fact commenting on a thing she did wrong.

You could be making a joke but again she knows she did something wrong so wouldn't find it funny.

Or you could be implying she is messy or inconsiderate. Even if you are not intending to object to those qualities you're still kind of pointing it out.

Try this; how would you feel if you were visiting a friend, had spilled something in the kitchen without noticing, and received this 'affectionate' comment. Embarrassed? Guilty?

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 13/12/2023 02:53

Diggerdriverless · 13/12/2023 02:08

It's so easy, even when they're adults, to slip into parent and child roles. So you need to approach things differently. Don't tiptoe around her but think what you're actually expecting when you point out puddles of water or dropped food. If you want her to clear them up just ask her, if you're planning to do it yourself get on with it (she's not realistically going to apologise and clear up when you just mention them). If you want her to thank you for a bath bomb you probably have to mention how much fun you had choosing it, to get her to thank you for a meal ask if she's enjoying it. If you model adult conversations with her hopefully she will respond the same way. And tell her how glad you are that she's home.

How is this not enacting a parent-child (and quite a young child at that) dynamic, though?
You should not have to engineer a conversation to get someone to say thank you for buying them a present. It's basic politeness.

she's not realistically going to apologise and clear up when you just mention them

Again, why? Why is this an unreasonable expectation? Surely: If you make a mess, clean it up. If you don't notice it and someone else needs to point it out to you, then you acknowledge it and clear it up.

The problem here really doesn't seem to be that OP's not treating her daughter like an adult, but that her daughter is reacting in an incredibly childish manner.

SnoozeToMe · 13/12/2023 03:06

I’d be thinking she’s saying that so you don’t make any further comments, you just clear up after her. Win for her!

Ladyj84 · 13/12/2023 03:18

Nit picking lol, if any of my kids left food on the floor I would go mad and water left in bathroom cmon she has no respect for you. Why not put your foot down and actually say something to her rather than here. Sorry if this was one of ours I would be well if you don't feel welcome there's the door as the fact your here with your own room meals etc etc says the opposite

Swipe left for the next trending thread