coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Thats a brilliant objective @Lentilweaver.

Op, I'm so grateful for you starting this thread, but i don't think you are getting the comfort you need from it. To be so distraught about your kids growing up, something else is triggering you. I know you mentioned something before here. Have you had any counselling specifically for that, or to address how you feel now your kids are approaching the age it happened to you? I'm not meaning to pry but you need to find the source triggering you and address it. I'm worried for you.

Exactly my thoughts too.

I'm worried for you.

OP's distress is painful to read about so I can't imagine what it's like for her to go through. And I sympathise with her husband too. I think OP mentioned he was pre diabetic so his enuii is probably due to physical problems rather than indifference.

It is only my daughter that I have panic attacks regarding due to sexual abuse that happened when I was 15. On repeat, I have flashbacks of the event and worry that history will repeat itself

My DD is way past that age (she is now 22) but the flashbacks don't stop, although have eased now she is older.

I didn't want children for a long time as I was so scared of history repeating itself. I look at the situation logically and think why would it, but the flashbacks are so real and vivid i get triggered.

I am having counselling which is helping a bit.

I try and keep busy as I can which helps keep my mind occupied.

Have you tried EMDR ?

www.emdria.org/about-emdr-therapy/

OP - all of us with daughters have to find a way of letting them live their lives, knowing they are vulnerable to sexual assault just because they're women. How much more difficult it must be for you with your past experience. I hope you can find some support with that.

And then, instead of keeping busy just to keep your mind occupied, maybe you can find things that enthrall you and enrich your life.

I'm really intrigued by @Lentilweaver's post because I spend a lot of time alone (WFH most days, husband has busy job, DD at uni). Friends occupy some time but I really need to do more with my one wild and wonderful life.

Writingonthewalls no, what is that?

Posting on here really helps get everything off my chest. I tried a few people in IRL, just friends and colleagues. Nothing professional other than what I have already mentioned. The people in IRL don't get it, and I get that.

DH is mostly supportive and he knows my backstory but he doesn't really get it either. Most ot the time I'm okay but he does like to nap on the sofa, then I feel very alone with my thoughts. I'm learning to predict these naps (weekend afternoons) and make sure that I'm busy as this is a trigger time.

BeatriceBatchelor thanks for your words, currently searching for ideas to enthrall me and enrich my life. Lentilweaver and anyone else, throw some ideas at me!

My heart really goes out to you. Sending you a big hug. Xxx

Writingonthewalls

Thank you 😊

A lot of mums I know say "you always worry about your kids" but they don't have this fear that I have.

DH background is religious, his DF was a Vicar!! - I even started going to Church when DD was born as I was so desperate for a "magic wand" to make if all better

Menopause has ramped up the anxiety 😳 I feel all at sea in my 50s.

My DM spent her 50s and 60s in the pub, darts, dominoes, crib teams. We lived next door to the pub, Sunday lunchtimes were spent in the pub.. DM eventually became an alcoholic and is now recovered but still attends AA in her 70s

DH mum and my mum couldn't be more different if they tried. His mum now in her 80s spends all her free time doing Churchy things, choir etc.

I feel all at sea now in my 50s, don't know what to do in my "free time". I've stopped going to Church (that is a whole different thread), DH mum keeps trying to encourage me back, but my DH (her son!) has no interest!! My mum thinks I should go to the pub in my free time. I don't want to do either of things. But anytime I do something, it is on my mind about DD.... sigh

I hope it’s okay that I comment, I’ve recently seen this tread. What you’re going through sounds incredibly hard.

I know you’re having counselling but I wonder if therapy would be more helpful. You could ask for a referral to adult psychology or psychotherapy if you haven’t already?

@longpathtohappiness , have you ever tried swimming outdoors, in the sea or like a lake? I think its called wild swimming now. Its fantastic, i recommend it🤗

ssd I live right in the middle of the UK, closest sea is 2.5 hrs away! I do swim though as I figure that is the closest I can get to wild swimming!!

I feel all at sea now in my 50s, don't know what to do in my "free time". I've stopped going to Church (that is a whole different thread), DH mum keeps trying to encourage me back, but my DH (her son!) has no interest!! My mum thinks I should go to the pub in my free time. I don't want to do either of things.

I hesitate to give you a bunch of glib advice @longpathtohappiness as I can see you have sufffered a lot of trauma. I never use that word, but in your case that seems accurate, and I think you need some help from a qualified professional. I do recognise it's very hard to get that help these days!

However, if I may suggest something that is free and makes you feel "seen" and good, how about volunteering for a cause you love? I do it at a heritage site, and the people there are so nice to me, and make me feel appreciated, which is what most of us menopausal women need. I am not religious and I don;t like pubs as I don't drink. But as I said upthread, I do a lot of other stuff. As you are in Oxford, there must be lots of volunteering or talks you can attend? Much more constructive than going to the pub. You need to feel needed!

Lentilweaver not Oxford, but very, very close!

Volunteering sounds a great idea. Its not just about finding things to fill my time for me, I have this ache instead me that also needs filling (does that make sense?) A friend of mine volunteers at a riding school for disabled children, that is pulling at me at the moment, horses, children, outdoors - ticking a lot of boxes... but open to open other ideas

That sounds absolutely brilliant and right for you. I love animals too, and plan to volunteer for a cat shelter next year perhaps. They are very calming. Try it out, what's the worst that can happen? The important thing is to act now before mid-life inertia catches up with you.

Lentilweaver

as well as being an alcoholic, DM had several relationships. My childhood was spent moving from one house to another as she moved from one failed marriage to another. I didn't receive any love growing up, maybe that is why I have given my DC so much love and I'm now finding it hard as they begin to fly. As I said, I have this ache inside me, a knife feels like it has been twisted through my heart. I know I have to let them go, but the pain is so hard for me to bear and they haven't even left yet. I don't want to smother them and I don't want them to feel that I can't cope without them. Sigh...

I have a dog, would consider volunteering at a dog shelter but I think I would find it hard not to want to bring them all home and love. Where as a horse I know I wouldn't practically be able to.

Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head there. Needing to be needed is at the heart of it. I just feel redundant.

@longpathtohappiness
I also think there is something about having had a loveless childhood and trying to compensate for that by creating your own family. Then when that family is no longer a unit, it feels like being alone again . For me that’s a large source of the pain. I also moved constantly as a child and all my adult life. Never belonging anywhere , not even in my family of origin is very painful. That’s the source of the ache and the emptiness. It’s feeling abandoned all over again.

Writingonthewalls Thank you, that is exactly how I feel, abandoned and alone all over again too. Do you volunteer? Does that ease the pain?

Lentilweaver

Thank you for suggesting volunteering. Do you think it is important to get the right fit for me? I'm not sure if the riding for the disabled will ease my pain. How has volunteering helped you? People IRL roll out the usual ways of coping during this stage, hobbies, exercise etc. But they just feel like time fillers, don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying all the extra exercise with the endorphin rush but I still have this unbearable ache/pain in my heart

No I don’t, though I have thought about it. I need to find the right fit . I just haven’t found a way to fill the void.

OP and @longpathtohappiness - it's time to mother yourselves. Given what you've said about your mothers and your childhood, I'd urge you to go onto You Tube and listen to the free audio book Dorothy Rowe Breaking the Bonds. Think I've recommended this before. Dr Rowe had a very abusive mother so she's walked the walk.

And yes, OP, I'd give volunteering for Riding for the Disabled a go. Fresh air and horses sounds like a wonderful combination to start the process of healing yourself. But don't do into it with high expectations. Just think of it as an hour or so of your week and see what happens over time.

I can so relate to all this.

BeatriceBatchelor Thank you, will search up your recommendation