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Original poster

Was I right to lie for my daughter

188 replies

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:16

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:19

I mean it was her big day so shouldn’t it be her choice who goes not him regardless of how it makes him feel. He always makes everything about him.

OP posts:
blacksax · 31/07/2023 15:21

Why are you still married to this arsehole?

truthhurts23 · 31/07/2023 15:21

Yabu for lying to him because instead you should have told him to grow the hell up and stop making it all about him!
so what if he hates your sister, if he wants to hold a grudge that is fine ,
but that’s his daughters aunty and if your daughter wants her there, he shouldn’t be so bothered by it
He’s not even going to be there so he doesn’t have to see your sister
he sounds narcissistic to be honest, shame on him for trying to sour your daughters special day

YukoandHiro · 31/07/2023 15:22

He had absolutely no right - remind him that if he carries on like this it's highly likely that his DD will go low or no contact with him in her adult life.
Is there back story here? Is he suffering with his mental health due to being so unwell and unable to get out?

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 15:22

What a wanker. What an absolute bully and wanker. She should go
los c with this nasty bully of a wanker. Awful behaviour. Absolutely disgustingly selfish arsehole behaviour.

tescocreditcard · 31/07/2023 15:23

Men/boyfriends/lovers/partners/husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

YukoandHiro · 31/07/2023 15:23

Also - you are an independent person. In what way was he "stopping you"?

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:23

truthhurts23 · 31/07/2023 15:21

Yabu for lying to him because instead you should have told him to grow the hell up and stop making it all about him!
so what if he hates your sister, if he wants to hold a grudge that is fine ,
but that’s his daughters aunty and if your daughter wants her there, he shouldn’t be so bothered by it
He’s not even going to be there so he doesn’t have to see your sister
he sounds narcissistic to be honest, shame on him for trying to sour your daughters special day

Well yes I know but if I had told the truth her day would have been ruined at least she had the day she wanted

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 31/07/2023 15:23

I’d struggle to get over this kind of assholery.
Is he an asshole generally?
is he an asshole because he is a lot of chronic pain?

pikkumyy77 · 31/07/2023 15:24

Cripes. Don’t tolerate this behavior. If he is housebound just walk away. He can scream abuse to the empty air.

LadyDanburysHat · 31/07/2023 15:25

We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too

This stood out to me. He was going to stop you from going to her graduation? How exactly? This is awful. Your poor DD and poor you.

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 15:25

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:23

Well yes I know but if I had told the truth her day would have been ruined at least she had the day she wanted

Show quote history

Right so if you know that he would have deliberately ruined her day, then you know he is a nasty bastard of a bully.

your daughter deserves better. Advise her to have therapy over her upbringing and to cut out her father until she can put effective boundaries in place
so she doesnt end up repeating this cycle.

Sundaefraise · 31/07/2023 15:26

Erm, I think you’ve got bigger problems. He is a controlling kill Joy. I understand why you wouldn’t because clearly you’ve been ground down over the years to even be trying to humour him, but the right thing would be to unapologetically tell him the truth and call him out if he becomes abusive to you or dd making it absolutely clear that you won’t tolerate any verbal abuse or emotional manipulation of either of you.

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

OP posts:
Noorandapples · 31/07/2023 15:27

Shame on him. Ask him if he'll "ban" her from choosing her own wedding guests, who can see her children, who she allows to her home. He doesn't get to decide who she includes in her life and the quicker he gets that into his head the less likely he is to lose her completely. You haven't betrayed him, you've stopped your daughter being controlled and emotionally abused. Controlling who someone spends time with by using shame is abuse, it's called coercive control.

Redburnett · 31/07/2023 15:27

In this case I would maintain the lie. It is hard to understand why a parent would not want their child (adult or not) to be happy on a momentous occasion. Your DH sounds appalling selfish. Many of us have in-laws or people's exes we do not get on with but who are still involved in family occasions because of family relationships, the grown up thing to do is be civil and not spoil event for everyone else.

tribpot · 31/07/2023 15:27

I had told the truth her day would have been ruined at least she had the day she wanted
How would he have ruined the day? How would he have prevented you from going? He doesn't have that much power.

The question is not whether you should have lied to him. The question is why you had to. Are you going to keep doing this, lying to him every time you want to do something he doesn't agree with? Apart from anything else, it seems likely he is going to find out - either your DD will just flat out tell him because she's had enough of his bullshit, or he will see a picture.

You don't have to live your life like this.

PinkIcedCream · 31/07/2023 15:27

And his good points are…0

What are you with him? Everyone has a choice and you risk alienating your daughter and potential grandchildren by staying with him.

Floribundaflummery · 31/07/2023 15:28

You need to protect yourself and your daughter. He sounds abusive. Why would you stay with him when your life could be peaceful?

Dozycuntlaters · 31/07/2023 15:29

He sounds absolutely awful and although I get why you lied to him, you are pandering to him and his ridiculous demands. You need to stop with that or he will just get worse.

Why would you want to get back to that? Are you in a position to leave him?

Dombasle · 31/07/2023 15:29

He's a spiteful, petulant, selfish and downright nasty piece of crap.

Why on earth would you stay with a disgusting bully like him?

Redburnett · 31/07/2023 15:29

OP I think the threat to smash the house up should be the final straw, definitely time to LTB. Having MH issues does not give anyone the right to behave so badly to those closest to them.

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:32

Thanks for all these replies
I just don’t know why I am with him sometimes
We have a good relationship in every other way but it’s just my sister
He says if she rings me he will take me home and if she rings my mom when she is at our house he goes mental about if
If I question it or say it’s not fair I get accused of choosing her over him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:34

LadyDanburysHat · 31/07/2023 15:25

We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too

This stood out to me. He was going to stop you from going to her graduation? How exactly? This is awful. Your poor DD and poor you.

He just said there would be no house left to come back to he would smash everything up.
His own dad was the same and I never thought he would put us through what he went through

OP posts:
saraclara · 31/07/2023 15:34

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

You couldn't. You did the right thing.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid. There is only so much that anyone should have to bear with relation to their partners mental illness. And this is way over that line. Fear of having your house trashed, and what your poor daughter will have to have heard, is simply not bearable.

You need to release yourself from this relationship.

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