Was I right to lie for my daughter

[Starbug74]

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

He is abusive. To you and to your daughter.

why are you with him?

Why not? He was raised that way.

I honestly cannot fathom why people stay with partners like this?!

It genuinely astounds me. He is clearly a selfish, angry, threatening, narcissistic bully who cares more about his own ego than his daughter's once in a lifetime academic achievement.

Just get rid.

Yeah, a great relationship where he threatens to smash the house up if he doesn’t get his own way. What an absolute prince.

We have a good relationship in every other way
No, you can't possibly. Otherwise he wouldn't threaten to destroy the house.

Again, you need women's aid. Even if it's only to talk this through with them.

Seriously, your poor daughter. I can't imagine what she's lived through. You have chosen to be with him. She's not had that choice.
I hope she at least went away to uni to escape this atmosphere.

I imagine you have a good relationship with him otherwise because you let him dictate to you and be controlled for a quiet life.

Is he going through an episode at the minute/ whenever he threatens something like this? If not, then it's not his mental illness thats the issue, its the fact that he's a controlling arsehole.

I would tell him. Then pack his belongings and change the locks. How dare he spoil his daughters big day!!

I got to smashing stuff up threats and then realised it has nothing to do with chronic pain and more to do with being an abuser.
He is abusing you and your daughter. She’s an adult. She knows this.
Do the right thing and leave. For both your sakes.

Your poor daughter. I also had a father who would make threats about smashing the house up and even burning it down if he didn’t get his own way.

You need to leave him as he will continue to control your life and may ultimately ruin your relationship with your daughter.

I'm bipolar but I'm not a twatbag that uses threats to manipulate people. The two conditions are very very different and he is using his mood disorder to justify his awful awful behaviour. Please don't suggest again that being bipolar makes you behave this way. It doesn't. He's a controlling wankbadger that deserves to be kicked to the kerb like the loser he is.

This is not a good relationship. Seriously, please realise that.

I remember your last thread about this. You got lots of advice. You can’t be responsible for his mental health.
He is a controlling bully.
I hope you seek help

For your own sake and your daughter's sake please leave this abusive man. He severely diminishes the quality of your life.

OP no one should have to put up with threats like this. He is abusive. Your poor daughter is seeing you tiptoe around to avoid his wrath and will think this is normal. What would you say to her if a boyfriend treated her like this?

I would make an appointment with a family solicitor to discuss divorce, in this situation.

Good luck xx

YANBU for lying to him to protect yourself and your DD.

YAVVU to stay with him. You need to plan your escape. Don't allow his disability to allow him to trap you in an abusive situation.

Are you the poster with the daughter’s graduation saga? If so, just LTB!!!!

If not, apologies, ltb anyway, you can’t live like this.

You did the right thing by your daughter please don't tell him the poor girl was upset enough without him finding out other family were there. You know you don't have to stay with him .

@AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick I'm also bipolar, have been diagnosed for more than half my life. I've never acted like the OP's cunt of a husband. Either he or she is using it as an excuse for his appalling behaviour. Personally, I'd be telling him that daughter had the people she wanted at her graduation, and that as an adult it was up to her who she invited and he had a nerve thinking he had any say over it. Then I'd be telling him to get the fuck out.

Just because he couldn't go it doesn't mean he should control who did go. How can you live with such a horrible man? It was your Dad's decision and he should have respected that and your husband can't stop you from attending with your sister either. He's a bully.

Can you leave him?

If not, why not? Practical reasons? Finance?

What do you mean, ‘otherwise he was stopping me too’? Would he physically have tried to prevent you?

If he was just being a pathetic drama queen over it, I’d have told him firmly to Grow Up! and gone regardless.

You can’t have a good relationship with an abusive man.

You csn have times where the abuse is put aside, but that’s not the same.

Your daughter is now having to walk on eggshells and lie about what she wants, and had her graduation spoiled (because this is what she’ll remember) because of his abuse.

Let me guess that his issue with your sister is because she answered him back or stood up to him at some point? Or encouraged you to do so.

So what will you do if your daughter decides to get married down the line? Not be able to invite her aunty because her dad might smash up the house????

It's perfectly possible foe him to be low or no contact with your sister whilst the rest of you chose to have a relationship with her but it's abusive to force others by the threat of destruction of property and alienation.

I couldnt live with this POS. Why are you till married