Was I right to lie for my daughter

[Starbug74]

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

Yabu for staying with such an arsehole who treats your kids so appallingly. You need to leave op.

You need to leave this man OP. He will ruin all future events. Please don’t waste your life. Things could be so good without him.

What he threatened (smashing up the house if you didn't do as he wished) can't really be excused as poor mental health - it was calculated and manipulative.

Hating your sister and making you choose - is a way of isolating you from family.

Perhaps he is a man who enjoys having power over you, rather than one who loves you.

Not caring about upsetting his daughter and being willing to spoil her special day suggests that he is not a loving father either. His choices were selfish ones.

You need to get far away from the piece of shit husband. What a total bellend ruining an important day for your daughter and you!!

Can you imagine how his appalling behaviour will mar any special time.

Get away OP. He will not change. You can improve your life enormously by leaving.

I'm approaching the two-year anniversary of finally drawing a line with my abusive ex and realising that he wasn't terrorising our home because of his mental health struggles he was doing so because he was a horrible cunt. I stayed, bent over backwards to find help for him, pussy footed around him and made my life small so it didn't diminish him. I did that for nearly 29 years.

And then he screamed his threats and paranoia in the face of our 11-year-old child - who I had believed I was doing my best by in keeping her dad alive and well - and everything changed. He has never set foot in our home since.

Please call on Women's Aid for discreet help and support, please explore the resources The Next Chapter has to offer and please accept your daughter and her partner's offer of a place to run to. As a PP suggested get anything you value quietly moved somewhere safe and, honestly, let him do his worst to the rest. Take 'before' photos so you have proof of what he has done and press charges.

I made the same excuses you're making for a really long time. Even in support groups afterwards, I was still mitigating his controlling behaviour and vileness with "But his chronic pain..his medication...his childhood...his depression..."

I didn't use the expression at the top lightly. It was months after getting him out and putting court protections in place that I stopped myself in the middle of making excuses (STILL making excuses for him) in the middle of a DV group and said, "Actually, I think he was just a horrible cunt!" and felt the burden of responsibility lift. It's not you, or DD, or your sister, it's him. Time to say enough.

It's so good that your daughter got out. Going to uni, meeting other people, and meeting a nice man will open her eyes to how abusive her childhood was. I would SERIOUSLY encourage you to find a way to leave your husband because there is a massive risk that your daughter will one day think/realise that you have enabled a lot of this. Yes, you are being abused, but that is very complicated for children to get their heads around for a while. Or she might decide that she doesn't want to expose her own children (if she has them eventually) to her father, which will mean you will miss out on a lot too. You really need to think long term.

What was the fallout with your sister that has made him carry a hate filled grudge all these years?

Did she turn him down?

Me too. I have an aunt who is 20+ years down the line with a similarly awful prick of a husband who also has mental health issue. Her children's whole adult lives have been blighted by her loyalty to him, it's not so much that it has driven a wedge between them as that the children have to bend and twist themselves constantly to accommodate it. It dominates everything and only one of five has what I would consider a healthy relationship themselves. One has married a mirror image of their dad. I used to feel sorry for her but now I think that her first and main duty should have been to protect and nurture her children - not the other way around and I think the narrative of her being too kind to leave him masks the real story which is that she is too weak. Do not be my aunt OP, I see my cousins and I feel so sorry for them. Middle aged now themselves, they have been dealing with this shit their whole lives

This is a sad and horrible thread Op but the sadness part is he's controlled and conditioned you for so long that you can't see the real issue. You worry about lying to him but that's like worrying you haven't done the washing up while the house is burning down. I expect he is nice sometimes but most abusers are like that, if he were nasty all day, every day, you would have run away long ago, he's just reasonable enough to make you doubt yourself.
Please, please, for your own sake and your DD's take their offer and leave. He'll rage and threaten but if you stay strong and determined there will be nothing he can do to make you return. Even if you went away for a few days I think you'd begin to see how wrong this whole thing is and that it's been wrong for years

This is not a good man. A good man would never behave like that. EVER. What you are doing is role modelling to your dd that it's ok for a man to bully and threaten you. You need to leave if not for your sake then for your daughters.

There are some things, and some people we just can't fix no matter how much we might want to. I think your dh may be one of those. I think you must separate or see the rest of your life as ducking and diving to continue having a relationship with your sister, nephew, mum and, in my view, your dd (and any potential partner/grandchildren in due course). I know what I'd choose.

I can't get over that he has meds but won't take them. He clearly thinks this awful behavior is fine.

DD is an adult now and choosing not to be controlled by him.

what are you going to choose?

Your husband is a manipulative bully. This is domestic abuse at its finest. You say you had to lie to allow your daughter to have the day she deserved, but she didn't did she. He took the shine off it by distressing you, her and likely the wider family.
This event has passed, but what's your plan for the future. I know without even asking that versions of this have happened before....and they'll happen again...of coursecthey will, his cohesive control is working.
Either he is too ill to regulate his behaviour or he's just a selfish entitled c@#t. Fast forward 3 or 4 years when your brother helps your daughter set up home or she wants her cousins at her wedding but he wants a small 'family' do because of his MH. If you won't do things for yourself do it for your daughter. The only thing that's gonna change is you!

Can you tell me, what is stopping you leaving him?

^ This.

He is appallingly abusive and threatens violence to get his own way. His mental health issues are irrelevant and you absolutely do not have to put up with this shit.

OP, I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I do agree with everyone else. He is abusive and dangerous. This situation is very bad for your daughter as well as you. In your place I would leave if at all possible.

How about you gather some information to start with and think about how you would leave, if you did?

• There is Women’s Aid to talk to, as PPSs have said.
• There is a Divorce/Separation forum on Mumsnet where people recommend these guides: https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships
• Solicitors often give a free 30 minute appointment (you could look at the guides first and take questions to ask)

I think the question is more should you stay than should you have lied.

He has been abusing you and his daughter too. Your daughter is realising this and will soon stop seeing you to protect her own mental health. If you leave him you might just salvage a relationship with your daughter. You sound like you are in denial about how bad this is and how much worse staying together will be for your daughter.

I genuinely can’t believe what I’ve just read and I can’t believe that you are so passive about it!

This man is an abusive arsehole who doesn’t like you and it sounds like he doesn’t like his own DD either.

Let me guess, the reason he hates your sister is because she doesn’t take his shit whilst everyone else tip toes around him.

Why are you still with this dickhead?

Your poor DD having to grow up in such a horrible environment.

You do realise that one day she’ll go completely non-contact with her dad and she’ll very likely go non-contact with you too for standing by his abusive behaviour.

I can’t believe he tried ruining her day and I can’t believe that you are lying about it to appease him.

The more I read about wankers like this, and the people who abuse their partners and children and then cry mental health, the more I think we should stop taking crime of Mental health seriously.

There absolutely are some people who struggle with their mental health, but mental health has become a get out of jail free card, an excuse to treat people however you like, a justification for being treated like shit because “mental health.”

Personally I don’t give a shit whether he has bipolar, depression, is away with the fairies or is just an arsehole. There is no excuse to treat anyone like that, and whether it’s his so called mental health or not, he’s an arsehole.

Leave him OP. His mental wellbeing isn’t your problem.

The more I think we should stop taking *cries of mental health seriously.

He is an absolute monster. A true cunt. I hope your daughter gets far away soon, and you follow.

@theleafandnotthetree
and I think the narrative of her being too kind to leave him masks the real story which is that she is too weak.
Abused women are not weak. They are abused, and if you don't understand the psychological impact that can cause then maybe don't post on an abused woman's thread. You've just kicked her when she's down and reaching out for help. Nice one.

Bipolar doesn't make you housebound and it doesn't make you behave like this either.

He is abusive. Stop dressing it up. Speak to womens aid.

Well my aunt IS weak, and however sorry I feel for her, I cannot overlook HER role in making her children's lives very difficult for over 50 years now. Not to mention that her own family (sisters, brothers etc) being dragged into the never ending drama too. I am not saying the OP is necessarily like that but reminding her that especially in this day and age, she has a choice that she can make (which to be fair was much harder for previous generation's of women) and a choice that she should make for her own sake and that of others.