Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Was I right to lie for my daughter

188 replies

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:16

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/07/2023 16:39

I bet you have to lie to him or walk on egg shells at other times as well, don´t you?
For your daughter, you need to leave him. Not lie.

Jadeywithababy · 31/07/2023 16:40

My husband has bipolar and would never treat me or our child like this. This abusive manipulation is neither excusable nor acceptable. Please protect your daughter and yourself as your highest priority, you are both worth more than this.

GameOverBoys · 31/07/2023 16:45

I wouldn’t lie but then I wouldn’t be with someone who is so unreasonable that I would have to.

Acheyknees · 31/07/2023 16:45

You're not setting your daughter a good example of a healthy relationship. Her day, her choice who to ask - why was he allowed to spoil it by having her in tears? I think you have bigger problems than worrying about lying to him. You should have told him who DD wanted there and he accept that decision, why was it his decision?

Maddy70 · 31/07/2023 16:47

He's a dick. But so are you for lying. This is a him problem and you need to grow some balls and stand up for yourself

DarkDarkNight · 31/07/2023 16:49

He is abusive to you and your daughter. No you shouldn’t have lied for your daughter, but only because you shouldn’t have to. He’s got no right to dictate who she invites anywhere.

You say you have a good relationship otherwise but do you really? You can’t even talk to your sister on the phone or see her in person without him making you suffer for it. Are the good bits worth it for the emotional abuse you and your daughter are suffering?

OhComeOnFFS · 31/07/2023 16:52

So what is your home situation like, OP? Is it just you, your daughter and your husband? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? Does he not work?

My advice is to get yourself and your daughter as far away as possible from this man, but I appreciate if he doesn't leave the house that can be very difficult.

What do you think your daughter would say if you suggested you and she left home?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 16:57

LakeTiticaca · 31/07/2023 15:41

I would tell him. Then pack his belongings and change the locks. How dare he spoil his daughters big day!!

🙄you can’t do this if he owns the house or on tenancy
why do women always say this 🤦‍♀️
It’s illegal to prevent someone entering a house they have rights to
even if they agreed to divorce, it is standard legal advice to not leave your home until the consent order/financial agreement is signed.
if there is abuse, she needs to call police. Once she records threatening behaviour she can seek legal recourse to have an occupation order, and/or non molestation order - but she needs evidence for this.

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:00

MrsKwazi · 31/07/2023 15:48

Are you the poster with the daughter’s graduation saga? If so, just LTB!!!!

If not, apologies, ltb anyway, you can’t live like this.

Yes that was me

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 31/07/2023 17:01

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

This is abuse. It is irrelevant that he is bi polar. What are you doing with this man, what are you teaching your dd when you put up with this stuff.
Do your daughter a favour and show her that his behaviour is utterly unacceptable.

Batalax · 31/07/2023 17:01

Do what you have to to protect your dd. He doesn’t deserve any consideration at all.

Batalax · 31/07/2023 17:03

Oh and fgs get out of this relationship.

geoger · 31/07/2023 17:03

OP, I remember your original thread about this matter. Your husband is a vile, abusive bully. There is nothing good about your relationship - I’m sure you said previously that he took your phone off you and made you wear short skirts etc.
On that thread we advised you to get in touch with Women’s Aid and to leave him. The advice is again the same - get out of this abusive relationship!!

ArabeIIaScott · 31/07/2023 17:04

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

He threatened you all.

He's an abusive bastard.

I'm really sorry to hear you are with this man.

Devonshiregal · 31/07/2023 17:04

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 31/07/2023 15:44

I'm bipolar but I'm not a twatbag that uses threats to manipulate people. The two conditions are very very different and he is using his mood disorder to justify his awful awful behaviour. Please don't suggest again that being bipolar makes you behave this way. It doesn't. He's a controlling wankbadger that deserves to be kicked to the kerb like the loser he is.

Show quote history

Yes that got my back up too. Having bipolar doesn’t make you a twatbag (enjoyed this word). Like someone said, unless he’s having an episode what’s his excuse? Anyway, this has been going on 20 years? What did your sister do to warrant the continual abuse of you and your child for this long?

I mean if she murdered his mother…maybe I’d understand his extreme reaction? Maybe we’re all being harsh… but I can’t think of anything else that would excuse this behaviour.

youre very much enabling his awful behaviour and choosing him over your daughter. I’m sure he’s battered your self esteem, abusive people always do. It would be wise to take a step back and realise that the only one who is going to break this cycle is you.

also, no, you do not have a great relationship “the rest of the time” - a relationship might have ups and downs which you work through together as a couple but that doesn’t include “oh he only abuses me 5 days of the year”.

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:05

OhComeOnFFS · 31/07/2023 16:52

So what is your home situation like, OP? Is it just you, your daughter and your husband? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? Does he not work?

My advice is to get yourself and your daughter as far away as possible from this man, but I appreciate if he doesn't leave the house that can be very difficult.

What do you think your daughter would say if you suggested you and she left home?

Well she has been at uni for 4 years but has slowly started to see the situation when she asks for days out and I say no because of him.
she is staying with her boyfriend at the moment and they have both discussed this situation with me a great deal as I stayed over at her uni place the night before graduation.
Her boyfriend lives at home still but has told me there is a place for me if I need it. I think she would be ok with me leaving him after this, even if it meant ruining her relationship with her dad
I think he has already done that even though he thinks he hasn’t

OP posts:
Justanothercatlady · 31/07/2023 17:06

You can have Bipolar AND be an abusive arsehole. Or not. They are not dependant on each other. You don’t need to make excuses for him and ruin the rest of the family’s lives due some misplaced view of ‘he can’t help it’. Get some help to think through what you want from life. Is this it?

IveHadItUpToHere · 31/07/2023 17:08

He's awful. I'm so sorry he ruined her day and is abusive. Please try to leave. I'm sure your sister and DD would support you. If you're frightened of him and he makes threats, report him to the police. You deserve much better than this. None of it is your fault Flowers

AsterixAndPersimmon · 31/07/2023 17:08

I am housebound due to ill health and it’s shit.
Really shit to miss out on Important days such as graduation.
I would have been really hurt if my dc had automatically assumed I wasn’t going and had planned everything Wo me, wo even bothering to ask me.

However, that’s not the issue is it?

The issue here is his behaviour and the threats, the manipulation etc…
Its the fact that, as awful it is to be stuck at home, you can’t make it hers responsible for it, nor can you stop others living their lives and be happy.
Its the fact this is an ongoing issue if your dd didn’t really want her dad there anyway.

And more importantly, you are all so used to his ways, the outburst etc… that nom’ e thinks twice about having some system in place to temper his behaviour (in this case, lying but i suspect t this is happening often, just in other ways).
The question for You is: why do you accept it?

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:09

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 31/07/2023 15:44

I'm bipolar but I'm not a twatbag that uses threats to manipulate people. The two conditions are very very different and he is using his mood disorder to justify his awful awful behaviour. Please don't suggest again that being bipolar makes you behave this way. It doesn't. He's a controlling wankbadger that deserves to be kicked to the kerb like the loser he is.

Show quote history

I am sorry I never meant to say having bi polar was an excuse for his terrible behaviour, it’s just someone asked for a bit of background or any reasons why he displays negative behaviour that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I know it’s not a excuse for the way he behaves
He has medication for his mental health but refuses to take it.
My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do.

OP posts:
OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 31/07/2023 17:13

What can you do?

You leave or you put up with it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 17:13

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:09

I am sorry I never meant to say having bi polar was an excuse for his terrible behaviour, it’s just someone asked for a bit of background or any reasons why he displays negative behaviour that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I know it’s not a excuse for the way he behaves
He has medication for his mental health but refuses to take it.
My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do.

Show quote history

What can I do.

You could walk away and remind yourself, and teach your Dd, that you don’t have to accept living like that.

He’s choosing to not take his medication. He’s choosing to be abusive.

You can choose to not accept it anymore.

sheworemellowyellow · 31/07/2023 17:13

What can you do?

You can leave him.

iknowimcoming · 31/07/2023 17:15

You've answered your own question, he doesn't want/need help, therefore you cannot help him. What you can do, is help yourself and your daughter and leave, good luck Flowers

ArabeIIaScott · 31/07/2023 17:15

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

Mary Oliver