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Original poster

Was I right to lie for my daughter

188 replies

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:16

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:16

titchy · 31/07/2023 16:10

You only have a good relationship when you're tiptoeing around doing exactly what he wants you to do.

If you'd have left him years ago your dd would have dealt with it, realised her dad was an abusive arsehole and more likely than no she'd have enjoyed her graduation.

He will ruin her wedding, significant future birthdays, birth of children, new jobs etc if you don't do something now. As it is she is statistically likely to choose an equally abusive partner for herself.

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I know this is true it’s so hard because it’s just got worse lately
Just to be clear my daughter has a very loving kind boyfriend who knows about all this and is on my side all the way. He would never treat her that way. Family is very important to him and he finds it hard to understand why her dad behaves this way

OP posts:
Undisclosedlocation · 31/07/2023 17:17

Leave.
A mental illness does not give him the luxury of being an abusive arse with no consequences, especially as he refuses treatment
Your DD deserves much better than having to hide her happiest occasions so this dickhead can be appeased.
You deserve better too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 17:19

@Starbug74 Have you thought about what will happen if your DD has children?

Especially if her partner is a normal, loving man.

Do you think she’s going to want her children anywhere near her abusive father and when that happens how much is he going to desperately try and stop you seeing her and them?

He’s already isolated you quite successfully from your sister.

You are worth more than this life he’s giving you.

Sylvaniandream · 31/07/2023 17:20

So he is house bound through illness, YET physically able to smash the house up? Too ill to work or do housework etc if he can't get out to a once in a lifetime graduation, yet not too ill to cut off your means of communication? I am ALL for making marriages work and working through the bad times, but you do realise this is abusive? Time to leave or get him to (there is assisted housing etc) or time to leave temporarily while the divorce goes through and the house is sold. Seriously, what will you do when it's her wedding or the grandchild's arrival? You will be living like this forever and will live to regret it if it wrecks all your other family relationships.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 17:21

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:16

I know this is true it’s so hard because it’s just got worse lately
Just to be clear my daughter has a very loving kind boyfriend who knows about all this and is on my side all the way. He would never treat her that way. Family is very important to him and he finds it hard to understand why her dad behaves this way

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So what are your plans now?

Lweji · 31/07/2023 17:22

"He has medication for his mental health but refuses to take it.
My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do."

You can protect yourself and your DD. Make your home a safe place from an abuser. Where you can talk about whatever you both want, do what you want, invite whoever you want.

sadsack78 · 31/07/2023 17:22

I'm so sorry for you and your DD.

I hope in time you find the strength to leave. This situation is not going to get better.

Aren't you afraid he will see a picture on Facebook/ someone's phone etc and realize he was lied to? And will then erupt and treat you terribly?

You shouldn't be living with that fear. This is not a healthy, loving marriage.

If you leave, you could still have decades to come of peace and life without fear. Seeing your relatives without being afraid you'll be abused and threatened. You might even meet someone new who treats you well.

I wish you luck, OP. I hope you get out.

InSpainTheRain · 31/07/2023 17:23

I don't think the graduation day or who attended is really this issue here. The bigger questions are why are you still with him, how can you leave and when? He seems a bullying aresehole.

Undisclosedlocation · 31/07/2023 17:23

If you stay with him, your chances of a happy relationship with your DD and any family she has in the future are also significantly reduced.

Your DD will sooner or later decide her dad is only worth going no contact with and if her boyfriend is as much of a man as you say, there’s no way he will want his family anywhere near your OH. Which in turn will mean you too will not get to see them as much

titchy · 31/07/2023 17:24

So your child and her boyfriend are desperately trying to get you to see sense and leave, to the extent that they're offering you their place - do you not see how fucked up that is - that they can see it and you cannot. You're the parent - you're supposed to offer them a sanctuary, not the other way round Sad

leopard22 · 31/07/2023 17:25

Take anything that is of sentimental value out of the house and let him smash it up, let him show himself for the twat he is. If he threatens you in the process, ring the police and have him arrested, support a DVPN where he won't be able to be near you for 30 days or support a prosecution where he'll have bail conditions not to contact you or be near you.

Use the time to actually make a change because he clearly isn't going to

Original poster
Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:26

AsterixAndPersimmon · 31/07/2023 17:08

I am housebound due to ill health and it’s shit.
Really shit to miss out on Important days such as graduation.
I would have been really hurt if my dc had automatically assumed I wasn’t going and had planned everything Wo me, wo even bothering to ask me.

However, that’s not the issue is it?

The issue here is his behaviour and the threats, the manipulation etc…
Its the fact that, as awful it is to be stuck at home, you can’t make it hers responsible for it, nor can you stop others living their lives and be happy.
Its the fact this is an ongoing issue if your dd didn’t really want her dad there anyway.

And more importantly, you are all so used to his ways, the outburst etc… that nom’ e thinks twice about having some system in place to temper his behaviour (in this case, lying but i suspect t this is happening often, just in other ways).
The question for You is: why do you accept it?

Let me just be clear he told her he wasn’t going due to his health and she was ok with that.
The issue arose when she told him the rest of my family were going and I hadn’t mentioned it.
He said I should have told her that he wouldn’t like it and not to invite them
but surely it’s not his decision is it, it’s hers it’s her big day and he says he hates all that stuff anyone with the caps and gowns and so on.

OP posts:
Gladyys · 31/07/2023 17:28

'So he is house bound through illness, YET physically able to smash the house up? Too ill to work or do housework etc if he can't get out to a once in a lifetime graduation, yet not too ill to cut off your means of communication? '

This.

As everyone else has said he is an abusive arsehole. This will only get worse, imagine if your dd gets married how he'd ruin that or be abusive if she had kids and there are Christenings. Just leave and apologise to your dd for not doing it sooner.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 17:28

Doesn't matter what he thinks to be honest.

What matters is whether you're going to stay with him or not

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 17:29

tescocreditcard · 31/07/2023 15:23

Men/boyfriends/lovers/partners/husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

Wow what a world you live in , in mine spouses and children are forever.

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 31/07/2023 17:29

Ohhhh OP - GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT. This is a horrifying read. You must leave, what an absolute piece of shit he is.

L0bstersLass · 31/07/2023 17:29

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

You know the answer.
This is totally unacceptable and no way for you to have to live your life.
I'm so sorry your in this situation.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 17:30

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 17:29

Wow what a world you live in , in mine spouses and children are forever.

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Even if they're abusive?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 17:31

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:26

Let me just be clear he told her he wasn’t going due to his health and she was ok with that.
The issue arose when she told him the rest of my family were going and I hadn’t mentioned it.
He said I should have told her that he wouldn’t like it and not to invite them
but surely it’s not his decision is it, it’s hers it’s her big day and he says he hates all that stuff anyone with the caps and gowns and so on.

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So he hates all that stuff anyway - so wouldn’t have wanted to go even if he was well enough

But despite the fact he was never going he still feels important enough that he should dictate who does go…

It’s not up to him.

You shouldn’t be living in fear that he’s going to trash your home if you step out of line. That’s not right.

Twyford · 31/07/2023 17:31

Whose name is the house in? You really need to get advice about splitting up. Your life without him will be SO much better.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/07/2023 17:32

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 17:29

Wow what a world you live in , in mine spouses and children are forever.

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Abusive spouses Shouldn’t be forever and you should be ashamed of posting that kind of comment on a thread like this

AquamarineGlass · 31/07/2023 17:33

I remember your last thread. I'm glad you went.

Your daughter is upset because she is sick and tired of his controlling behaviour which you are still struggling to acknowledge.

You are so used to him being in control that you're now feeling guilty for saying what you HAD to as advised by dozens of women in order to avoid letting your daughter down and missing out on something you wanted to do.

This isn't really about the graduation but coming up with a plan to make your life more free and enjoyable and not have to live from.one manufactured crisis to the next.

doingthehokeykokey · 31/07/2023 17:34

This is no way to live. For gods sake woman, leave, be free.

ScrollingLeaves · 31/07/2023 17:35

It should have been her big day.

Your DH must let your DD love whichever relatives she wants to regardless of the fall out between her aunt and him.

It is a bit like saying a child can’t love the other parent after a divorce otherwise.

It is difficult when this happens. He may be right about your sister friend m his point of view.

It s a shame you needed to lie as a result of the impasse.

doingthehokeykokey · 31/07/2023 17:35

NewNovember · 31/07/2023 17:29

Wow what a world you live in , in mine spouses and children are forever.

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Think about what you're saying. FFS. Read the room you idiot

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