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Original poster

Was I right to lie for my daughter

188 replies

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:16

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 31/07/2023 16:05

FGS just get yourself and your daughter away from this monster. You’ve already overstayed by a massive margin!

Treesinmygarden · 31/07/2023 16:07

You would be so much happier without this piece of crap in your life - visualise it.

Making threats like that is truly horrifying.

dooneyousmugelf · 31/07/2023 16:07

In all these threads of yours, it's your daughter I feel absolutely awful for.

SheRasBra · 31/07/2023 16:08

I cannot see this improving. You are both walking on eggshells to keep the peace and you risk seeing very little of your daughter going forward. In addition to this he is setting the standard for what a marriage looks like, with bullying and temper tantrums.

Your daughter will doubtless want a relationship with her aunt going forward and you can only delay the inevitable car crash for a while or find you are also excluded from family gatherings. What happens if/when your DD has children of her own? Will he try and stop them meeting their great aunty? Have my first ever LTB.

GabriellaMontez · 31/07/2023 16:08

This is not a brilliant relationship. He's a prize twat. He may well have bipolar... but that doesn't make people threaten to smash up the house if you they don't obey you.

Do you own or rent?

Make plans to leave. Spare yourself and your daughter from a lifetime of this.

ManateeFair · 31/07/2023 16:09

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.

Yes, but also - and quite separately - he is a massive cunt.

Having bipolar disorder doesn't excuse (or even explain) his behaviour. He's abusive to you and he's abusive to his daughter. If you are living in fear of this man smashing up the house when you do something he doesn't like, he is a piece of shit.

We have a good relationship in every other way

No you don't. You really don't. He is abusive to you and to your daughter. It doesn't matter that this is 'only' with regards to your sister. It is still abusive. This is a man who reduced your daughter to tears over what should have been the proudest day of her life. You are both frightened of your husband and tiptoeing around him as a result. That's not a good relationship in any way; it's a fucking horrible one that's had a terrible effect on your poor daughter.

Moonshine5 · 31/07/2023 16:10

OP with the utmost respect, you have far bigger problems than the graduation day lie. It's not even a little bit normal to smash up a house when things don't go your way.
Get out while you can.

titchy · 31/07/2023 16:10

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:32

Thanks for all these replies
I just don’t know why I am with him sometimes
We have a good relationship in every other way but it’s just my sister
He says if she rings me he will take me home and if she rings my mom when she is at our house he goes mental about if
If I question it or say it’s not fair I get accused of choosing her over him.

You only have a good relationship when you're tiptoeing around doing exactly what he wants you to do.

If you'd have left him years ago your dd would have dealt with it, realised her dad was an abusive arsehole and more likely than no she'd have enjoyed her graduation.

He will ruin her wedding, significant future birthdays, birth of children, new jobs etc if you don't do something now. As it is she is statistically likely to choose an equally abusive partner for herself.

willWillSmithsmith · 31/07/2023 16:12

For someone housebound with illnesses he’s wielding an awful lot of power! Why? Just tell him to fuck off!

willWillSmithsmith · 31/07/2023 16:14

You are doing yourself and your daughter a huge disservice staying with this pos. Let him smash the house up if you leave. I’d be out that door never looking back if I were you.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/07/2023 16:14

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:34

He just said there would be no house left to come back to he would smash everything up.
His own dad was the same and I never thought he would put us through what he went through

Show quote history

He is abusing you and your daughter. You don't have to stay with him. Really. You don't.

cestlavielife · 31/07/2023 16:14

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

You need to live elsewhere

You need counselling for you
You need to stop walking on eggshells and the only way is to leave

krustykittens · 31/07/2023 16:16

He is an abuser, OP, and this is quite seperate from his mental health issues. You do not have a good relationship with him, he controls you through fear. Don't let him ruin the rest of your life.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 16:18

So you’re married to an abusive man who has been abusing you and your daughter?

WanderleyWagon · 31/07/2023 16:21

'We have a good relationship in every other way' except your sister - does not fit with a behaviour of 'Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back'. He's literally bullying and extorting you (and your daughter) and threatening criminal behaviour.

I can see that you might need some time to put precious things somewhere where they would be safe from him (with a friend?) if there's a risk of him destroying your belongings, but I don't see that you should feel any obligation to stay with somebody who behaves like this, no matter what mental illness they are diagnosed with.

(I write as somebody who has been diagnosed with mental illness myself so I'm deeply sympathetic to people who suffer with mental ill health - but your husband sounds deeply, deeply unpleasant and unfair. Might it be worth contacting Women's Aid and talking through with them the threatening behaviour you have described here?

WinterDeWinter · 31/07/2023 16:23

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

You need to leave him and you should have done so a long time ago to protect your daughter, unless this is a very new development. Mental health issues are absolutely no excuse for this. He knows what he is doing.

leopard22 · 31/07/2023 16:29

You got so much advice last time and like hell is it a good relationship- he's an arsehole.

Once again, you're allowing this to happen by staying in the same situation and putting your daughter through it too. Sympathy has well and truly gone.

Tigertigertigertiger · 31/07/2023 16:30

He has bipolar disorder

he’s a violent bully.

the two are not the same

notahappybunny7 · 31/07/2023 16:32

PinkIcedCream · 31/07/2023 15:27

And his good points are…0

What are you with him? Everyone has a choice and you risk alienating your daughter and potential grandchildren by staying with him.

Yep. Reading the op was just like reading about my dad, living a very lonely life now. 5 kids, no relationship with any of us. Of course that’s all down to what horrible people we are nothing he’s done….

sheworemellowyellow · 31/07/2023 16:33

His bi-polar disorder is an explanation of his behaviour towards his family.

It's not a justification.

Please think about this, and sort out your priorities.

Tidsleytiddy · 31/07/2023 16:34

Selfish prick

hecameoutroaring · 31/07/2023 16:37

You get my first ever LTB.

And I'm saying that as someone with 3 different serious mental health issues. It's not an excuse.

BeverlyBrook · 31/07/2023 16:37

LTB

notahappybunny7 · 31/07/2023 16:37

titchy · 31/07/2023 16:10

You only have a good relationship when you're tiptoeing around doing exactly what he wants you to do.

If you'd have left him years ago your dd would have dealt with it, realised her dad was an abusive arsehole and more likely than no she'd have enjoyed her graduation.

He will ruin her wedding, significant future birthdays, birth of children, new jobs etc if you don't do something now. As it is she is statistically likely to choose an equally abusive partner for herself.

Show quote history

I’ve already said this guy is like my dad, I was going to ask about your dds boyfriend. I’ve never had a proper relationship because of the fuck up that were my parents. A dad like this and a mum who’d tell herself whatever bullshit she had to do she could pretend everything was fine.

FiftyPenceWorth · 31/07/2023 16:39

We have a good relationship in every other way

Read your own posts again. Everything you've written tells us he's a controlling, selfish, manipulative, abusive bastard. In what 'other ways' is this relationship even on the same planet as 'good'?