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Original poster

Was I right to lie for my daughter

188 replies

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:16

I recently posted on here about my daughters graduation from uni.
My husband her dad couldn’t go due to being housebound with various illness. He found out that she had invited my mom and dad, my sister and my nephew. He has no family to invite.
He went totally crazy because he hates my sister from a fall out over 20 years ago and said why should they all get to see her and I can’t. He blamed me because he said I should have told her that her dad wouldn’t like it and stopped her inviting them. But as I pointed out it’s her day not his and he was being totally selfish and upset her asking her why she did this to him.
We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too. So he thinks it was just me and her boyfriend that went.
They all went to as it’s what she wanted, I had her in tears over it all, he ruined her big day by saying what he did to her.
So now we all have to pretend that no one else went just so he doesn’t explode, but I feel like I am betraying him.
Is this the right thing to do just keep quiet about it for my daughter. He made her so upset I don’t even know if I can forgive him, but now he says I could have avoided the upset by telling her not to invite them.
I am so confused and can’t get away from all these thoughts.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 31/07/2023 17:35

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:34

He just said there would be no house left to come back to he would smash everything up.
His own dad was the same and I never thought he would put us through what he went through

Show quote history

He just said there would be no house left to come back to he would smash everything up.

He is dangerous.

Yes you were right to lie for your daughter. But what if he happens to see pictures a year from now of all of them at the graduation that your parents may have taken?

I think you need to get away from him. This is not what marriage is, Op. He threatened to destroy the house? That is a small step away from harming you and your daughter. Get out asap.

ScrollingLeaves · 31/07/2023 17:38

Now your daughter has graduated, could you leave?

This horrible behaviour on his part could be the catalyst.

Twilight7777 · 31/07/2023 17:39

In your case I’d maintain the lie until the day after and then tell him at the same time you ask him to leave the house as you are filing for divorce. He’s an abusive arsehole and I wouldn’t blame your daughter for going no contact with both of you so she doesn’t have to see her father again.

porridgeisbae · 31/07/2023 17:42

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues. Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back. How could I let my daughter come back to that.

@Starbug74 I have bipolar and this is not bipolar OP. He may have bipolar too, but this particular action would not be related to that unless he happened to be in an episode at the time.

This part of him is stroppy, manipulative, Controlling Abusive Male Syndrome.

backtogrey · 31/07/2023 17:46

What a total prick. Leave the abusive idiot now.

cestlavielife · 31/07/2023 17:46

He has medication for his mental health but refuses to take it.
My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do.

What you cqn do is save yourself and your relationship with dd
I e leave
Divorce. Escape.

SerafinasGoose · 31/07/2023 17:48

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

You shouldn't. Nor should you go back to it yourself.

I read your previous thread. This isn't a marriage, it's purgatory. And you thought you were betraying HIM?

JANEY205 · 31/07/2023 17:54

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 15:26

He has bi polar disorder, and has always had mental health issues.
Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back
How could I let my daughter come back to that.

This is abuse OP. You and your daughter deserve better. You need to run.

If I was too unwell to attend my child’s important event I would be devastated, but I would also support my DH going to support our children. I wouldn’t care who else was invited as I’d feel a bit jealous anyway if I couldn’t go but I’m an adult and I know it’s not about me.

Did he not go because he is physically disabled or because he has MH issues? If he in medication? Either way his MH issues don’t excuse his abuse and you do need to leave him.

MamaGhina · 31/07/2023 17:56

Am I the only one really struggling to muster any sympathy towards the OP? I know that’s harsh but for goodness sake, wake up. Leave now while you still have a relationship with your child.

leopard22 · 31/07/2023 17:56

What are the reasons your reluctant to leave OP, can you make a list? See if anyone can support or advise to make it easier

leopard22 · 31/07/2023 17:56

leopard22 · 31/07/2023 17:56

What are the reasons your reluctant to leave OP, can you make a list? See if anyone can support or advise to make it easier

*you're

FuckNuggets · 31/07/2023 17:57

We ended up telling him that they were not going now just so I could go otherwise he was stopping me too.

OP this is the point when you must realise something is not right? No one whether he's your husband, your parent or some bloke on the street can stop you from doing something. This is the point when you must realise your husband is an abusive arsehole!

JANEY205 · 31/07/2023 17:59

I have no empathy for someone who is abusive, refuses to take their medication and it sounds like chose to miss his daughters graduation (as he also in your own words chooses to prevent t family days out)

What a horrible life for your daughter! PUT HER FIRST.

You shouldn’t be involving your daughter or her boyfriend in your problems OP. It’s parentification and my Mum did this to me when my Dad left and it’s completely inappropriate and unfair. Your daughter isn’t your friend or therapist and you choosing to remain with this abusive POS isn’t on her to fix.

TakenRoot · 31/07/2023 18:00

Stopping me going by taking away all means of contact and saying if I go the house would be smashed up when I got back

You need to leave him OP.

Yes, I can see you needed to
lie about the graduation to make it the day she wanted and deserved. But in the longer term she is watching him control you with threats of violent destruction. She is having to lie. This will be lifelong. He has no right to threaten you into isolating from your sister/ her aunt.

And you just can’t live with someone who issues violent threats. That you believe he will carry out.

It’s sad for him that he has MH conditions but you do not have to sacrifice your life to it.

And as this carried on you will lose your relationship with your Dd too.

I am quite upset thinking of you living like this.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2023 18:03

A wise person once told me that when you find yourself in a deep hole, the first thing to do is stop digging!

So stop digging yourself deeper and get the hell out of the hole. You've tried to 'fix him' long enough. He doesn't want to be fixed. And by starting to lie to him to protect yourself and your daughter, you're starting to dig even faster and deeper. I understand why you did it, but at some point someone is going to 'slip up' and say something that will let him know you lied and all hell will break loose. So start thinking about yourself and what YOU want and get the hell out.

Houses are just bricks & sticks and 'stuff' is just stuff. You can find another place to live and you can get more 'stuff'. If your DD is out of the house and it's just you and him, pack a bag and go. If the BF has offered you shelter, please take him up on it! Get out, catch your breath, see a solicitor, then make a plan.

I'm old and I've seen and done a lot. And I have learnt that we only have one go round on our wonderful Earth. Please don't waste another moment of it.

gingerguineapig · 31/07/2023 18:06

She's an adult, you could both move out and leave him to it. Neither of you are responsible for him.

I have a friend whose husband has a mental illness and she divorced him because he was verbally abusive to her. Her kids are younger and they still see plenty of him, but she doesn't have to live with him.

1037370E · 31/07/2023 18:08

This is no way to live OP, and is not something that your child should have been subjected to either. This is not normal and I'm sorry but you do not have a good relationship - it is toxic and abusive. If you decide to continue to be with him, I hope that your daughter leaves. Unfortunately you might find that your relationship with her suffers as a result, this often happens, children grow up and realise that the non-abusive parent failed to protect them. Personally I think you should help your daughter to leave even if you decide to stay and put up with this shit.

C152 · 31/07/2023 18:08

YANBU to lie, OP. I can see why it was necessary to create the smoothest day possible for your daughter. It is, however, wrong that your DH forced you into this position. He decided he couldn't attend due to ill health, which is perfectly reasonable. It is not reasonable for him to try to dictate who your daughter invites to a special day like that. As shit as his personal situation may or may not be, it is no one else's fault and no one else should suffer because he's having a giant temper tantrum.

Your daughter's boyfriend sounds lovely (offering you a place in his home if you need it). That says as clear as day that your daughter knows how bad life has become for you. It is very hard to leave, but I would seriously think about how long you need in order to escape this situation. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed to ask others for help. Life doesn't always work out the way you plan; but the way things are now is not always how they have to be. You just have to decide what it is within your power to change and whether you have the strength to do it.

Yusay · 31/07/2023 18:12

You’re in an abusive relationship OP. Orher marriages aren’t like this.

You do not have an otherwise good relationship. You may have periods of relative calm where you don’t feel nervous of angering him, but that isn’t the same thing.

I’m so sorry and sad that you think this is normal.

YANBU to lie to him but YABVU to not find a way to escape this situation.

itsmylife7 · 31/07/2023 18:14

This is such a sad situation OP.

I'm really glad your daughter has found herself a decent Man unlike her bullying Father.

You and your daughter deserve so much more than having threats made about smashing up your home.

It's really not a normal way to live but you've become accustomed to this abuse.

Encourage your daughter to move far away and not feel any guilt .

You should find a way to leave this awful man and have a bit of happiness.

He really doesn't deserve you.

Bababear987 · 31/07/2023 18:19

Starbug74 · 31/07/2023 17:09

I am sorry I never meant to say having bi polar was an excuse for his terrible behaviour, it’s just someone asked for a bit of background or any reasons why he displays negative behaviour that’s all. I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I know it’s not a excuse for the way he behaves
He has medication for his mental health but refuses to take it.
My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do.

Show quote history

"What can I do?"

You can leave. Its simple. Life is too short, you owe him nothing. He is abusive end off. Dont over complicate it just leave him.

unsync · 31/07/2023 18:19

"My family thinks he could get help and get better but he thinks he doesn’t need help. What can I do."

You can leave him. He is abusing you.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/07/2023 18:29

MamaGhina · 31/07/2023 17:56

Am I the only one really struggling to muster any sympathy towards the OP? I know that’s harsh but for goodness sake, wake up. Leave now while you still have a relationship with your child.

I really hope you are the only one. Do you blame all abuse victims for their situation?

Tinkerbyebye · 31/07/2023 18:32

I would be leaving, end off. Regardless of his MH he has no right to dictate to you what you can and can’t do, or upset his daughter

dooneyousmugelf · 31/07/2023 18:37

You need to put your daughter first. Before him and before yourself. Only you can do that. And you must.
Your daughter's major life event and achievement has been overshadowed for weeks on end in the lead up, and tainted on the day as she can't even have happy family photos of the day because she's been caught up in YOUR lies because of YOUR bullshit relationship. Harsh but all true.

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