son with older girlfriend

[sewerrat]

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

Appearing at the airport when he arrives would be the most incredibly stupid and destructive thing you could do.

I hope you weren't serious there, but fear you could be. Leave him alone to enjoy his holiday and don't even think about trying to gatecrash it.

Appearing at the airport when he arrives would be the most incredibly stupid and destructive thing you could do.

This times a billion. With bells on, a billion bells. "Incredibly stupid" doesn't even really cover it. It would be like throwing a hand grenade into your relationship with him. I really hope this isn't something you're considering.

Goodness, cut the apron strings already!

no his girlfriend is not with him on holiday.
I can see where/what he's doing from the online banking atleast so I know he's not left where he planned to go.

Stop. Stop this! Why on earth do you have access to a grown man’s banking details? That should have ended the moment he turned 18, if not before. No wonder he feels the way he does, if this is an indication of your interference and infantilising.

He is an adult. You have to trust that you have raised a man who can take his place in the world with confidence and independence. That is the job of a parent. You have to let him go, or you will lose him forever.

Get.a.grip. how is this even a topical conversation

I can see where/what he's doing from the online banking atleast so I know he's not left where he planned to go.

Fucking hell, there are no words. You're cyber stalking your son. You shouldn't even have access to his banking. You need to get a grip.

Please, for your son's sake, step away. You shouldn't have access to his bank records. Stop interfering in his sex life and perhaps be grateful he's in a relationship with a nice young woman. Apologise to him and promise you'll keep your irrational thoughts to yourself from now on (because they are irrational). Most importantly, mean it! Let him have some space for a while. He deserves much better than this.

they're my bank records...

Why is he using your bank account 😂

This just gets weirder and weirder!

Why?? Do you control his access to his own money? You are too enmeshed. This is madness.

no he has his own, but also has access to me and DH's

Time out @sewerrat

Go in The naughty corner.

Do not come out until you’ve told your DH, other sons and their partners what you have been doing, saying and feeling.

Does your son have any Rabbits? 🐇 You are honestly sounding like a bunny boiler of a mum/MIL.

Your behaviour with a young adult crosses so many emotional boundaries it’s beyond a bad sitcom.

excuse me?
so because I checked my own online banking today to see if a bill had gone out, and I saw that my son had paid for his dinner in the hotel I was previously told he was staying in, I am a bunny boiler??
you seem a nasty piece of work.

no he has his own, but also has access to me and DH's

Jesus. Mary and Joseph... come on now OP! Time to cut those apron strings. He's 19, time for him to use his own bank account exclusively. You can continue to support him if you wish, I'm not suggesting you cut him off or anything, he's in uni and times are hard etc, I understand wanting to make sure he's ok financially but being able to see what he's doing to this level is not healthy. Time to let him stretch his own wings a bit eh?

This is quite interesting... so I told an anecdote upthread about a bf I had as a teen and how he escaped his oppressive mum. Well, your update reminded me of something. One thing she did to try and smoke him out from staying with me - she cut his (large) allowance down to almost nothing (they were wealthy) and instead opened a large tab in their members club for him. So that if he wanted a meal out (or indeed any meal except at his house or my mum's) it would have to be there. Then she would be able to look up the bill and see if/when he ate there and if he brought someone, me, with him. I thought it was so weirdly controlling and stalkerish at the time.

Op, you really must back off. You'll drive him permanently away otherwise. I'm honestly serious - I doubt he'd go non-contact with you but he'd stop confiding in you completely and have a very shallow, formal relationship.

It seemed like you had a good relationship before - the way you described him telling you about his gf, how happy she makes him, etc. You had good communication, until quite recently, don't throw that away.

OP; ‘I don’t baby him!’
Proceeds to detail the many, many ways she does, in fact, baby him.

What a bloody headache you are, OP. I’m sorry you’re upset by the fall out with your son, that’s a shame, but nigh on every single post on here tried to talk some sense into you before you went clomping in with your weird, overbearing opinions and you ignored every one of them! It was entirely predictable that your son would kick off at some point.

You are the gift that just keeps on giving, aren't you! This is all just so absurd that it is beginning to take on an air of unreality now.

You're cyber stalking him and you're thinking of intercepting him at the airport as he goes on holiday, so gatecrashing on him!! You are watching his online banking transactions too, for which he apparently uses your account?? (What the actual fuck is that all about? It's creepy as hell).

He needs to just use his own bank account, to which you should have no access. I've never had nor expected access to my young adult daughters' bank accounts even though as students I do have to make some contributions.

You are coming across as increasingly batshit, creepy and weird. How stifling for your son! He must dread you showing up anywhere he goes, or he will come to very soon if you don't back off sharpish.

That needs to change forthwith. He should just use his own bank account, to which you should have no access apart from just to pay in if you have to contribute to his student finances.

I suspect your DS is about to learn this lesson in a very hard way!

Cut the apron strings!

You are absolutely batshit! And massively overstepping boundaries with an a adult!

Please pack your bags and turn up at the hotel. It's the right thing to do. Your son will be thrilled and it will prove to him how much freedom he has and that you aren't babying him.

When you get there and see him make sure you offer him to be breastfed before or after dinner so you really are showing him how he is his own man and can make his own decisions

When you tuck him in at 7:30pm maybe to really show him that he is free and respected that you allow a 7:45 pl bedtime instead and one story instead of two as he's such a big boy

Are you reacting like this because you don’t want to be an empty nester?