son with older girlfriend

[sewerrat]

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

Tbh I don't think there is anything to be concerned about at all. I'm struggling to work out what you are concerned about...is it that she might want babies sooner than him? If it's that then teach him about contraception?? I mean otherwise maturity in a relationship can only be a good thing here right? If he gets hurt then that experience will build his resilience and help him understand what he wants and needs in a relationship...that's how life lessons are taught, through experience.

no I am not

No issue here at all. Totally normal age gap for a man or a woman. If you are worried about sex, well I doubt he's a virgin at that age and even if he is, their sex life is none of your business. At that age i am pretty sure he will be as up for it as she is anyway.

I also don't know what you mean by moving fast, but again, it is his life. Just take a step back or you could alienate him. He is at the stage where girlfriends become the focus, not parents.

I have not alienated him. I haven't actually commented to him

Then what do you mean by moving fast? Do you not want him having relationships?

What I think should be of concern OP is that you have asked for a range of opinions and thoughts. Those opinions and thoughts have strongly stated that this is perfectly normal between two young intelligent adults at similar stages of their life. These opinions aren't made up; they are a genuine reflection of the world we live in and show what happens in the majority of cases where people don't date someone with the exact same date of birth. And yet you seem to keep looking for someone to agree with your somewhat odd musings on the matter. In this instance I think you need to take a gentle but firm look at what is motivating these feelings. Sadly you're coming across like my own mother who, when I dated someone who was three years older at a similar stage of life, accused her of getting her hooks into me as all older women do. What she actually meant was that she had some deep seated unrecognised Issues with letting me go and was projecting her own insecurities onto the woman concerned. It didn't end well as I eventually decided that such unhealthy attitudes didn't have a place in my life. In your situation OP, I'd welcome her with open arms, get to know her and be genuinely pleased that she makes your son happy. But, and I don't say this lightly, it takes courage to drop your conservative beliefs and do the right thing.

You say he's as mature as you on your op and then say he's too immature for this 22 yo. Which is it?
They're both at Uni so both at the same life stage. If this Uni is prestigious do you really think she's desperate toeave and get married and have kids?

Yes, he's likely having or will have a sexual relationship with her. Perfectly normal at 19 at Uni. At 22 it's unlikely she's she's with tons of men so even if she has more experience it's unlikely to be much.

She isn't some pervy older woman looking to corrupt your sweet little boy fgs.

If anything, his comparative inexperience is more likely to mean that he’s the one being ‘serious’ about her. He’s unlikely to be her first boyfriend/sexual partner, so she will have had prior experience of relationships ending, and isn’t as all-or-nothing.

I'm well aware I am protective of my son. he is my youngest. had a bit more backstory this morning. she's from a well respected family in the area, career driven etc. my main concern was her wanting to settle down sooner. feel better to know she is on similar wavelength education and goal wise

she's a very very pretty girl, and so my concern was that he was just blind-sighted.

Have you met her? You sound a bit prejudiced both about her age and her looks.

I agree with @weathervane1 above that this sounds more about your issues with letting him have his own life separate to the family. With maybe a hint of internalised misogyny in the mix ("she's a very very pretty girl" - what are you implying by this? What conclusions can you possibly draw from this?)

This girlfriend might not be the one he goes on to settle and marry. But most likely there will be one, and it may be sooner than you like. She'll be his choice and not yours.

Get practising now - be nice to her, like her, welcome her.

You really sound horrifically sexist, painting her as the scarlet woman who will corrupt your son and break his heart.

She's 22 not 32!
I had a bf when 22 who was 19 I certainly wasn't planning wedding bells or moving in together!

It's down to the person how they act at that age its not an automatic he's less mature then her. It sounds like you view your son as being 14 rather then actually an adult.

Wanting to settle down sooner 😂
SHES 22

That is absolutely NONE of your business. She sounds like a good woman. Well done to your son for finding a good partner. You need to hope YOUR son is a good partner and doesn't hurt her, if he is less mature.

Keep your nose out. This is how MIL from hell threads start. Butt out. Stop wrapping your angel boy up in cotton wool.

You've said nothing to suggest she's a terrible person, just that at 22 you assume she wants to marry him and have his kids. You're being irrational.

How old were you when you had kids op? Are you projecting that he might have the same life as you?

This is all, frankly, embarrassing to read, and all over a pathetically inconsequential ‘age gap’. Get a grip op and butt out, it’s weird you’re so overly protective of your adult son, even if he is just a young adult.

Do we? What's "angelic" got to do with dating anyway? He's got a girlfriend not an international drug ring.

different stages of life. I think people would be more in my view point if it was a daughter with older boyfriend

But they're both at Uni. You don't get more "same stage" than that.

as in I know he's probably not quite so mature with his friends and peers as he is around family. as I have cleared up multiple times now

I was 29 when I had my first.

my two older sons are both in happy relationships, I get on well with both of their partners, definitely not a MIL from hell!

have you never heard of a mature student? uni means nothing in that regard. there are people in their 40s that go back to uni, doesn't mean they're in the same stage of life as an 18 year old just starting.
NOT that that is the situation here, but I think it is a broad thing to say.

Good grief, op, get a grip. Honestly, there is no problem here. My son is 26, his partner is 31, they met when he was 19 and they've been together since he was 20. They have a lovely relationship and their age gap has been irrelevant.

I'm sure this woman isn't going to lead your precious angel astray.

I am really grateful and happy to hear those like yourself giving your own experiences. I'm glad it worked out and hope it's going to be a similar situation for my son too.