son with older girlfriend

[sewerrat]

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

Did you welcome her with open arms? Or do you think she's just trying to isolate him?

the university is a 15-minute drive away... he had the option to have his own flat but wanted to stay at home

DS isn't babied at all

No. There is no "situation" except in your head. This is all perfectly normal.

You are being utterly ridiculous.

You seem to have made assumptions about her based solely on her being a bit older than your son, and because she is attractive. That's pretty judgemental in my book. Maybe think about why you are worried about it.

I hope the dinner goes well and you can begin getting to know her properly.

Haven’t RTFT. At 19, three years wouldn’t bother me, they’re both young adults just starting out in life.

Plus, not all women are more mature than men at this age. I met my DH at 21, he was 23 and FAR more mature than me for several years. I grew up in my 30’s, tbh. 😂

At your son's age I was in a relationship with a 36 year old woman who had kids a little younger than me. Not same life stage at all, but it was a happy time.

Previously and subsequently dated people from all walks of life, some of them hideously unsuitable for long term partnership but no problem, I learned a lot about what I needed in a relationship. I think it's pretty unusual these days to marry your first partner, isn't it? If he's happy and they treat each other well, that's all you need for now.

other two Ds's will be coming, one with his partner, so I am sure it will be a pleasant evening. thank you all for advice

My husband is 12 years younger than me. 3 years is nothing.

22 is not a huge difference and if you protest your fears he may go against you.. Support him when he needs it but you do need to let him live his own life . He sounds very intelligent from what you are saying and if he is with a maturer women then he may not get hurt ... I am truly speaking from experience.. My son married an older lady but because I kicked up a fuss I lost 5 years with him.. At 18 he is a grown man and can make his own decisions.. As the saying goes.. A son is a son until he meets his wife a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life... Hope this helps because as women our boys will always be our babies...

She may have had a very sheltered life and thinks as still a teen in her head boys will be boys let her parents worry about the age difference not that three years makes a difference. I've always said five years either way is fine as long as both are legal age not a problem with it. Any more would be questions for you to worry about but less than five years gap not a load of difference between them. She may be really nice and helpful for your son to grow up and mature into manhood think of her as good guidance for him and keep him out of bother as she's not a teenager full of mischief and nonsense. I hope you like her as she could be good for him.

My daughter is 20. She got together at 19 with a guy who was going through mediation to see if he could save his marriage. He wasn't interested and they began going out. He is 37 yeats old. He has 2 kids, one 10 and one 5.

He has made his decisions and had his family. She has moved in with him and is acting as stepmum to his kids, calling them 'ours'. She still doesn't have a driving license. He has done nothing to help her with a career as she is now unemployed after being made redundant with no real direction.

I have tried to explain that the age gap is huge, but he has turned her head and she has moved in with him and doesn't understand why I am not impressed with an overweight 37 year old (almost divorcee) with crap credit, living in his uncles house as he can't get one of his own who has done nothing to help her grow.

Am I mean as a parent to be upset that this seems wrong?

OP, could she be trying to find a young fertile man and trap him with a baby and then get all his money when he finishes uni and has a good job?

Lol!! 3 years is nothing! I'm 15 years older than my boyfriend and I swear he's more mature than me 😂
Just had our 2nd child together and the happiest we've both ever been.
As long as no ones being creepy and sus and it's all legal, than age really is no obstacle to happiness.
Don't make a big deal out of this and potentially ruin something amazing for him, he won't thank you for it.

That's nothing...and they're young so it'll last about a term in any case 😂. There's actually not much difference in maturity until about 25. Now my daughter's best friend was 20 and going out with a 31 yr old. That was far more of a worry, although it's been almost a year and a half now, they adore each other and he's a genuinely lovely guy, so hey!

I'm sorry about the situation with your daughter, but it's not even in the same universe as the op's 19yo son dating a 22yo woman who doesn't have children. You can appreciate the difference surely.

that's a difficult situation. very different to the one for my son.

that man seems an absolute weirdo! she will realise it all soon enough. best of luck!

I did think!

I met my husband at Uni. He was 18, I was 21. Still happily married 23 years later.

I'm not best pleased but can't do anything now. You're unhappy your adult son slept at his girlfriend's house? Is it because they're having sex? Did you hope he'd wait for marriage?

I'd have liked to have thought my son had a little more morality than staying at her house so soon. Clearly I was wrong.

he is only 19.

Ok, now you’re definitely weird. What has your adult DS having consensual sex with his adult girlfriend to do with ‘morality’? Do you think sex is morally ‘wrong’? Or do you think it only become ‘morally ok’ after a certain minimum amount of time?

Its fine. I think you need to let go.

Same age gap between me & DH.
MIL HATED IT. I also had a house which made it even worse.

I remember being told she asked someone 'Does anyone know of this woman has children?!' and getting into a massive spin about his lovely ex (it was over 12 months ago).

TBH it bought us closer together.

she is a genuinely nice girl, intelligent, pretty, and a great listener. honestly could not ask for a better person for my son.

I am just disappointed in his behaviour.