Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

son with older girlfriend

197 replies

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 06:24

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 24/07/2023 10:14

*School holidays

Mummy08m · 24/07/2023 12:07

What if this girlfriend becomes, in the fulness of time like after 5+ years, his wife? She (and he) won't forget your nonsensical prejudices.

Or, also very likely, if he senses you're at all judgy about this one, he won't introduce you to the next one.

It's also generally better for your dh's health (physical and mental) to have a semi-serious gf than casual dating, which is more likely to result in STDs etc etc. So even from a "protective" pov you should be relieved honestly.

I think you have to take on board that nearly all the responses on this thread are saying yabu.

HPsauce01 · 24/07/2023 13:28

I was 18 when I got together with my husband and he was 21...no one batted an eyelid, including my quite conservative parents. That was 17 years ago now.

Not to pile on but he's an adult now and it's only three years. Hope you have been reassured by the comments.

MrsMitford3 · 24/07/2023 13:32

My DS met his GF at Uni-same age gap with her also being older.

They are now about 4 years post Uni, both in good jobs and have bought a flat together.

That is a perfectly normal gap IMHO-they are both at Uni at the same time. His GF stayed and did a Masters.

Really think you need to take a step back here @sewerrat

Creepyrosemary · 24/07/2023 13:41

That's not an age gap, they're both young adults in the same stage of life. Uour replies about what you're worried about sound ehmmmm a bit crazy or over invested tbh. It's pretty normal for adults to have relationships and sooner or later those relationships progress. There is nothing weird about any of this. Your son is not a little boy anymore, he is an adult man.

Gooseysgirl · 24/07/2023 13:48

A couple I know met when he was 19 and she was 24, they've been together nearly thirty years now 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheCatterall · 24/07/2023 14:08

@sewerrat if you asked your older sons and their partners for advice about him dating an older woman etc and laid out your worries - what do you think their reaction would be? Or your partner/his father (sorry if there isn’t one I didn’t spot any mention)?

if your family all felt this fear was unfounded. If your friends and partner all felt the same - would you consider talking to someone professional about these worries or insecurities as they seem deeply ingrained and despite the threads response you seem to be digging into your stance rather than accepting that just maybe - you are being irrational.

Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:12

I have not once denied that I am being protective, also am aware I might not be taking this for what it is.
I actually suggested this morning to my son that she should come round this evening for dinner. DS lives at home as we are in the same city as the school, she also is from another part of the city. I'm looking forward to meeting her, as is DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:20

I'm very nervous however, and not sure what I should ask her, talk about etc

OP posts:
biscoffy · 24/07/2023 15:29

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:20

I'm very nervous however, and not sure what I should ask her, talk about etc

Why? Because she's so old? You talk to her like you talk to your other sons partners for god sake!

Scottishskifun · 24/07/2023 15:33

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:20

I'm very nervous however, and not sure what I should ask her, talk about etc

General chitchat is a good place to start!
What does she do/study. Is she enjoying her course, does she have any hobbies etc and let it flow from there!

Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:34

Mummy08m · 24/07/2023 08:54

Have you met her? You sound a bit prejudiced both about her age and her looks.

I agree with @weathervane1 above that this sounds more about your issues with letting him have his own life separate to the family. With maybe a hint of internalised misogyny in the mix ("she's a very very pretty girl" - what are you implying by this? What conclusions can you possibly draw from this?)

This girlfriend might not be the one he goes on to settle and marry. But most likely there will be one, and it may be sooner than you like. She'll be his choice and not yours.

Get practising now - be nice to her, like her, welcome her.

I dont have any internalised misogyny. I am incredibly proud of my son, and I am allowed to want the best for him. I of course will be nice to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:35

Scottishskifun · 24/07/2023 15:33

General chitchat is a good place to start!
What does she do/study. Is she enjoying her course, does she have any hobbies etc and let it flow from there!

Show quote history

thank you, its nice to have a genuine reply. its been a few years since my other sons were introducing girlfriends

OP posts:
lazarusb · 24/07/2023 15:35

DH was 20 when we met, I was 23, had a 5 year old Ds and just come out of an abusive relationship. Thank goodness my now PILs weren't as judgemental as you.

As for talking to her, just ask her normal questions about her interests, course etc. Don't interrogate her though.

Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:36

lazarusb · 24/07/2023 15:35

DH was 20 when we met, I was 23, had a 5 year old Ds and just come out of an abusive relationship. Thank goodness my now PILs weren't as judgemental as you.

As for talking to her, just ask her normal questions about her interests, course etc. Don't interrogate her though.

I am not judgemental, otherwise, I wouldn't be open to getting to know her. I am simply looking out for my son.

OP posts:
Ritascornershop · 24/07/2023 15:43

I guess by now you’ve seen pretty much everyone is baffled by your concern. This tiny age gap is not a problem - you can be the same age and have different values, different sleep schedules, different personalities that seem exciting at first but turn out to be a pain in the arse. 3 years is nothing. My partners have been; 4 years older, 4 years older, and 9 years younger. In none of those was age an issue.

OldTinHat · 24/07/2023 15:44

I get you, OP. My DS was 17 (now 23) when he met his then 23yr old GF.

Unfortunately, I've not heard or seen him in over 3yrs now because he moved in with her for a while, then they rented somewhere in a town hours away but never gave their address. He never answers his phone or reply to emails or texts.

He's cut off not only me but his whole family.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2023 15:45

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:20

I'm very nervous however, and not sure what I should ask her, talk about etc

Good grief, op, she's just a person. You speak to her like you would to any young woman dating your son. You really think a couple of years makes any difference? You would speak differently to a 20 year old compared to a 22 year old?

DeadButDelicious · 24/07/2023 15:46

That is the exact age gap between my now husband and I when we first met. We moved in together after a month, engaged at 6 months and we got married when he was 21 and I was 24, we've been together for 19 years next month. A 2 or 3 year age gap is nothing.

Kindly OP, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Calm down and let him live his life.

Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:46

DS said she is looking forward to meeting us this evening. he just told me that whilst I was away last week (DH travels abroad most weeks for work) he had been at her house the majority of the time. I think its all coming out to make it less of a shock later on. I'm not best pleased but can't do anything now.

DS is clearly happy though, which as a mother is the most important thing to me. He and his friends go to/have a lot of parties, and I'm somewhat glad she may be a distraction to stop that getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:48

OldTinHat · 24/07/2023 15:44

I get you, OP. My DS was 17 (now 23) when he met his then 23yr old GF.

Unfortunately, I've not heard or seen him in over 3yrs now because he moved in with her for a while, then they rented somewhere in a town hours away but never gave their address. He never answers his phone or reply to emails or texts.

He's cut off not only me but his whole family.

I am so sorry to hear this. As a parent we all want the absolute best for them, and it can't have been easy for you. I hope one day it picks up for you.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 24/07/2023 15:49

I met my DH when he was 19. I had just turned 22.

We're married now and have been together nearly 30 years.

I don't think anyone regarded the age difference as a problem. It really in much of a gap.

IncognitoMam · 24/07/2023 15:53

Friend's son is with a woman in her 50s (gran) and he's early 20s. I wouldn't like that but even then I'd keep it shut. Friend didn't and alienated him.

toomuchlaundry · 24/07/2023 15:55

What did you speak about to the partners of your other sons when you first met them?

Have you babied this son as he is the youngest? Is there a reason he chose to live at home whilst at university?

fifteenweeks · 24/07/2023 15:56

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 15:46

DS said she is looking forward to meeting us this evening. he just told me that whilst I was away last week (DH travels abroad most weeks for work) he had been at her house the majority of the time. I think its all coming out to make it less of a shock later on. I'm not best pleased but can't do anything now.

DS is clearly happy though, which as a mother is the most important thing to me. He and his friends go to/have a lot of parties, and I'm somewhat glad she may be a distraction to stop that getting out of hand.

He is 19 not 9. Why does it matter if he stayed over at her house?

Swipe left for the next trending thread