son with older girlfriend

[sewerrat]

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

because I know my son

And yet a bunch of strangers on the internet pointed out that you were smothering and babying a young adult, and it turns out your son agrees.

he has never in his life wanted for anything. he is happy, polite, sociable and close with the family. how could I see this of him and think he is babied or smothered?

@sewerrat I've read your updates. I get you're worried and clearly something feels off to you. You've had two dc start relationships before and you didn't have anything to worry about.
You said the girl is lovely. The bit that worries you is your son's behaviour. I get that. My only advice is to try and accept he will make his own mistakes. They might be big mistakes. But there's just nothing you can do. Your only 2 options at the moment are to advise/warn/disagree - which will alienate, or to appear supportive and be ready to help when he does ask for help.

thank you for your kind words x

Where is he going that he can stay for an indefinite time (not asking geographic location)?

You have literally ignored hundreds of posts telling you that the age gap is no issue, that having sex at 19 is normal and that you sound like you're being overbearing.

Now your son had told you himself.

When will you listen!?

Whether he has ever wanted for anything, or is sociable, polite or fond of his family are completely irrelevant to whether he’s been babied — he told you this himself!

he has never in his life wanted for anything

He has just told you that he wants to be treated like the autonomous adult that he is. He wants to be treated like he is capable of running his own romantic life and making his own decisions about his own body.

How do you "get your son back"?

Firstly, do not try to intercept him at the airport.

Keep in contact, keep it light. "Thinking of you, how's your day" type stuff. If you can bring yourself to, I would apologise because you have indeed been unreasonable as we've all tried to explain on here.

So what if he's away all summer - let him. He'll have fun and he can look after himself at that age. If you keep it light and friendly, he might come back sooner.

Remember he's really done nothing wrong. As I said upthread, there's nothing wrong with his relationship even seen through a small-c conservative lens (such as mine): two adults, similar age, both students, exclusive relationship. They're not having drugs or threesomes or dogging or anything wild like that, it all sounds quite tame and sensible.

I've told this anecdote on mn before but I had a bf I adored age 17 (he was 18 going on 19). I was his first gf. His mum thought I was some kind of harlot (I was not) and made us keep the door open if I stayed over (eye roll) and kept griping about me at him, so he moved in with me and my mum for months. Months. In the end she gave in and tried to be friendly with me - we did go and see her sometimes but it was too late, I hated her. We broke up after 2y but he was never the same with his mum again, never introduced a girlfriend to her, eventually moved abroad.

It's a cautionary tale basically

This is a really good and measured response. I really strongly advise you to take it on board!!

a 19 year old’s sex life is 100% none of anyone’s business except them and whoever they’re shagging. Stop it.

How do you get your son back?
APOLOGISE.
Send him a message saying that you are very sorry that you overstepped the mark. You understand that he is an adult but as his Mother your need to protect him maybe went a bit far this time. Tell him that you will step back and let him live his life but that you will still always love him and be there for him when he needs you. And the. Wish him a lovely trip and you look forward to seeing him when he gets back.

Generally women that go to expensive and exclusive uni's tend to want to make a good headway into their careers before getting pregnant if that's what you're worried about in terms of "different stages of life and moving too fast". He's a mature adult man by your own making and I'm sure if he felt pressured he would make those feelings known or discuss with a trusted confidant. Try not to worry.

Is she in the same year group as him? She might have taken a few years out to save up?

Is the girlfriend from a different country? are you worried he might move abroad?

Would you be as concerned if your older son (who I assume is working and finished FT education) was dating a 22yo woman?

If it's really bothering you, invite them over and be supportive. You may end up with a wonderful DIL, who may seek worldly advice from you in the future. Or if she's a teenage man eating cougar - better the devil you know 😉

DS has said he will not be 'brainwashed' or 'babied' any more. no idea where either has come from, he is treated as an adult and has a lot of independence to do exactly what he wants.

He wants to hVe sex with his girlfriend of several months, you think that is too soon.
he wants an adult relationship, you invited her to dinner to snoop
he wants to go on holiday, you want to meet him at the airport.

this thread has repeatedly told you to back off as you aRe babying your adult son. Your adult son has told you to stop babying him. Your response was to want to go to the airport!

I didn't 'invite her to dinner to snoop', I wanted to get to know her as she clearly makes my son very happy, as I have said!

Is the girlfriend going with him?

It sounds like he prefers his girlfriend to you. If you don’t check yourself he may end up never really bothering with you again

Probably from your reaction to him staying at his gf house.

You get your son back by backing off big time! Message and say have a amazing time etc then just leave it!

You have to respect that he is an adult which on one hand you say you do then give him a lecture and your disappointment that he's stayed over with his gf......you need to let him find his own path. The more you try to grab hold the worse it will be!

This is what he is talking about, not letting him be an independent adult and wanting to go on a plane to where he is going to, I think you need to listen to what your son is saying. 19 and in a relationship is really normal as is the age gap.

I'm sorry you are distraught, but you have overstepped the boundaries majorly here so you can't blame him for blowing up at you.

You need to learn to back off and let him live his life. Not jam your nose in and interfere, and it WAS interfering.

It's his business, not yours. He is no longer your baby, and no matter what you try to say, you ARE babying him. You need to back off and wind your neck in.

OP, I'm going to be very honest with you, if you don't take in what he's said to you and back off you are going to lose him. And it won't be his girlfriends fault.

My now husband was 19 when we met (I was 22 so the same age gap) and his mum was, in all honesty, downright nosey and invasive and it only resulted in pushing her and DH apart as he tried to claw some independence. She'd say a lot of what you have said. He's spent the last 19 years keeping her at arms length because if she has too much involvement she becomes unbearable. It makes me very sad because I have a very different relationship with my parents and I wish he could have a positive one instead of the very fraught one he has with his family and in the past I have encouraged him to try and move past these issues but every single time that guard has gone down she's done something to cause it to go straight back up. She can't help herself. Don't be that mum. It's not worth it.

You can't get your son 'back' he isn't a child anymore, you have to let go or else you will lose him.

That's not even an age gap

Good grief, op. You just keep digging that hole. You will only have yourself to blame if your relationship with your son is damaged beyond repair. You have gone way, way too far. Your reaction to this non-event, the "age gap", him staying over at his girlfriend's home, is absolutely baffling.

Does he know how to cook his own meals? I'm the the cotton wool unwrapping is happening nicely for him at university!

Op you really need to stop thinking of your Ds as a little boy, you deny babying him but that is what you're doing 🤷‍♀️

He's allowed a girlfriend (of any age) why you would be concerned about a tiny age gap is really odd.

Give him some space, send him a text and apologise for majorly over stepping.

Hope he forgives you.