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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

son with older girlfriend

197 replies

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 06:24

hi all. wondered if anyone has experience with this as I'm not sure if I should be concerned

DS is 19 and very independent. Wise beyond his years but boys are boys and you can never be sure, he may well be different with his peers but compared to my older DS24 he is on the same maturity level to me.

He is at a university in the same country we live in, its not a huge university but attracts a lot of different people nationality-wise. It's an expensive one and acceptance rates are low, so students there are normally mature, well-educated and have their heads screwed on okay.

DS recently started seeing a girl he met at uni. He's just finished his first year, and I found out she is 22 years old last night.

this is concerning to me as boys generally are behind girls maturity-wise, even if he is wise beyond his years.

am I right to be concerned? I understand I can't stop it or even try as it will only make him more interested.

advice would be well appreciated.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 18:08

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 17:44

I'd have liked to have thought my son had a little more morality than staying at her house so soon. Clearly I was wrong.

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This is very puzzling - isn't consensual sex between adults in an exclusive relationship (and indoors) pretty much the ideal way of doing it...? I'm pretty small-c conservative and I'd be pleased my son was doing it this way and not casually. Surely? Unless your beliefs require no sex before marriage...?

Scottishskifun · 25/07/2023 18:14

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:07

she is a genuinely nice girl, intelligent, pretty, and a great listener. honestly could not ask for a better person for my son.

I am just disappointed in his behaviour.

Oh OP you were do better.. .he's an adult he's allowed to have consensual sex if he wishes!
He is not a child and trust me uni students get up to far worse then find a nice girlfriend and having a relationship with them! Honestly if him sleeping with his GF is your only concern then your laughing!

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:15

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 18:08

This is very puzzling - isn't consensual sex between adults in an exclusive relationship (and indoors) pretty much the ideal way of doing it...? I'm pretty small-c conservative and I'd be pleased my son was doing it this way and not casually. Surely? Unless your beliefs require no sex before marriage...?

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it is more the fact they've only been seeing each other a month or two

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Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:16

again, he is only 19 years old

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GodessOfThunder · 25/07/2023 18:17

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 06:52

girls are normally much more mature than boys. this is my worry.

What concern do you think her supposed extra maturity generates?

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 18:25

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:16

again, he is only 19 years old

I think unless you are from a very religious community then 19 is not particularly young to start being sexually active. Many of his peers are probably in sexual relationships too.

Maybe because he's your youngest, you think of him as younger than he is.

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:32

Mummy08m · 25/07/2023 18:25

I think unless you are from a very religious community then 19 is not particularly young to start being sexually active. Many of his peers are probably in sexual relationships too.

Maybe because he's your youngest, you think of him as younger than he is.

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we are not religious

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toomuchlaundry · 25/07/2023 18:38

When did your older sons get girlfriends?

HarrietStyles · 25/07/2023 18:45

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:16

again, he is only 19 years old

🙈 He’s 19 and an adult. You are talking like he is 14 or 15! He is having a consensual relationship with another adult of a similar age, been together a couple of months. Seriously if he is losing his virginity at 19 then he is probably older than 90% of people. Blimey, you would drop dead of a heart attack if you found out what me and my friends were up to when we were at Uni.

Scottishskifun · 25/07/2023 18:48

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 18:16

again, he is only 19 years old

He's 3 years past the legal age for sex OP! Do you think the same if he goes to he pub as a 19 year old....

He's a adult sorry but you need to accept this!

TheFireflies · 25/07/2023 18:56

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 16:01

DS isn't babied at all

If this is real, I find this very hard to believe. You’re “not best pleased” about your adult son staying at his same-peer-group girlfriend’s house while you’re away and you’re being frankly absolutely weird about their whole relationship. I wish her luck with the meeting. This thread is utterly bizarre.

TheCatterall · 25/07/2023 18:59

Oh dear god. Morality has now come into play.

I hate to inform you he’s probably also watched porn at some point… and shock horror he’s possibly masterbated as a teen…

So he’s possibly had sex outside of marriage. And now he’s been immoral and stayed at a young women’s house… oh gosh. How vile. Seriously. Express these concerns to his siblings. See how fast they laugh at you.

How repressive are you that a young man of 19 finding his way in the world and dating someone of 22 and having sex is worrying/immoral etc…

tell your son how you really feel and let us know how that goes.

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 19:59

people really are making me out to be wicked witch. I of course know my son has done all of this before, not for a second do I think this is his first etc.
BUT he has not been serious about a girl before, and that is why I'm disappointed that he has rushed in.

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Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 20:00

two older DS's both had girlfriends this age, I just feel as though youngest is doing a lot more than his brothers were. he seems rushed to grow up.

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PaperwhiteTheGhost · 25/07/2023 21:11

He's 19!!! 3 years above the age of consent, 1 year above being a legal adult. There's nothing wrong with him having sex.

I had sex with my DP on our first date. I've also had one night stands. Does that make me immoral too?

weathervane1 · 25/07/2023 21:20

OP, I very much doubt he's doing more than his brothers were at that age. I suspect the truth is that they knew better than to tell you, knowing how you'd likely have reacted. I really do think you need to relax your moral compass on this one.

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 22:35

Bit of an update I didn't expect

DS has been out all day at friends house, they are going away next week so I assume was about planning that.

he came home a few hours ago and I brought up how I am a little concerned at how quickly his life has changed, and that I am unsure if he has rushed into a relationship as he says they've been seeing each other for months yet I only heard it two weeks ago and got the details on Sunday...

He kicked off majorly. Packed his bag went to his friends and says they're going away tomorrow on early flight instead and 'dont expect to hear from him for a while'.

I am absolutely distraught.

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 25/07/2023 22:37

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 22:35

Bit of an update I didn't expect

DS has been out all day at friends house, they are going away next week so I assume was about planning that.

he came home a few hours ago and I brought up how I am a little concerned at how quickly his life has changed, and that I am unsure if he has rushed into a relationship as he says they've been seeing each other for months yet I only heard it two weeks ago and got the details on Sunday...

He kicked off majorly. Packed his bag went to his friends and says they're going away tomorrow on early flight instead and 'dont expect to hear from him for a while'.

I am absolutely distraught.

Well we did warn you

HarrietStyles · 25/07/2023 22:41

I’m sorry this has upset you……. But my guess is he kept it a secret from you because he thought you would overreact, judge him and interfere. And it sounds like he was correct. Back off and let him live his life but let him know you are there for him if he needs you.

AlligatorPsychopath · 25/07/2023 22:45

sewerrat · 25/07/2023 22:35

Bit of an update I didn't expect

DS has been out all day at friends house, they are going away next week so I assume was about planning that.

he came home a few hours ago and I brought up how I am a little concerned at how quickly his life has changed, and that I am unsure if he has rushed into a relationship as he says they've been seeing each other for months yet I only heard it two weeks ago and got the details on Sunday...

He kicked off majorly. Packed his bag went to his friends and says they're going away tomorrow on early flight instead and 'dont expect to hear from him for a while'.

I am absolutely distraught.

Yeah, no shit. Smother much?

You are way, way over the line and he's told you so. Get your head straight and back off. No, more than that. No. More.

He is an adult doing perfectly normal young adult things.

meditated · 25/07/2023 22:47

sewerrat · 24/07/2023 06:52

girls are normally much more mature than boys. this is my worry.

Normally, yes. But not all girls/ all boys. I was definitely v immature until I was 25. Not in a destructive way, but rather childish... People 'grow up' at their individual pace.

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 22:57

IncognitoMam · 25/07/2023 22:37

Well we did warn you

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helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 22:59

AlligatorPsychopath · 25/07/2023 22:45

Yeah, no shit. Smother much?

You are way, way over the line and he's told you so. Get your head straight and back off. No, more than that. No. More.

He is an adult doing perfectly normal young adult things.

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I have not smothered or anything. I have not tried to interfere or tell him what to do, I had a conversation with him and ended up being called horrid names, and my son has now walked out of the house and is going abroad tomorrow for god knows how long. a little compassion wouldn't go amiss

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TheFireflies · 25/07/2023 23:04

I can’t understand how you’ve read this whole thread yet apparently didn’t expect that. 🤔

Original poster
sewerrat · 25/07/2023 23:08

better explanation now I have calmed down a bit.

DS has said he will not be 'brainwashed' or 'babied' any more. no idea where either has come from, he is treated as an adult and has a lot of independence to do exactly what he wants.
when asked how long he is going away for he did not give an answer. I know where he will be - he goes multiple times a year. However, I am absolutely terrified of what is going to happen now. how do I get my son back? realistically there is nothing stopping him from staying away for months until he goes back to university. right now I want to get on a plane and be at the airport when he gets there tomorrow.

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