About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

But yeah, what a selfish little bitch, wanting to sit quiety in the company of her mum for 30 minutes before she leaves 🙄

You are the only person on this thread who has referred to the OP's daughter in such offensive terms. Other people think a 23 year old should be able to accept her mum's need for 30 minutes quiet time without it causing trauma.

To answer the martyr comments … There’s a balance to be struck obviously but if you - not in this instance but on a regular basis - give the impression to a young woman that her thoughts and worries are not worth your time ; that isn’t very empowering for women either!

And I honestly thing teens and young adults are a special case as they usually only want your time fairly infrequently unlike younger dc who crave your attention all of the time!

It was obviously exaggeration for effect. But several posters have called her selfish, so not really miles off.

And I love the idea of the poster only being allowed to have " a teeny tiny corner" of her own room not a public room. It's her house, for crying out loud, there are 3 reception rooms. Why can't she use one as a meditation room? why are women supposed to have the smallest part of anything?

The thing is though I don't think anyone is suggesting 'trauma' either. It's the little things that build up relationships though, isn't it? Like being there when someone needs you. Do you not think that the daughter appeared to be reaching out to her mother here looking for some kind of connection or comfort before she left? I can see why if you don't think that that is what she was doing then getting up and walking away may seem fine but to the posters who think the daughter needed her mum at that moment, it seems a bit cold not to even check in with the daughter that she was ok before hightailing it out of there.

What is it with people thinking that the only way to have your needs respected is to give the person ignoring your boundaries a reasonable explanation for why they are necessary?

The daughter is 23. Why do you need 30 minutes alone is the kind of question I'd expect from a much younger child. If anyone asked me to justify my boundaries I'd tell them, "because I said so".

Women should not have to quantify harm or inconvenience to justify putting themselves first occasionally.

Why does anyone need to justify a perfectly reasonable boundary?

I'm glad that the horrible posts have been challenged. No one should be made to feel ashamed of having basic needs ffs! ADHD is really, really hard to manage and can lead to a myriad of other problems unless a lot of energy goes into managing it. The OP has found a strategy that works for her.

OP I would still love to know how you successfully learned to meditate with ADHD. I really would love to get to the stage you're at. Any advice or tips most welcome 🙏

They had spent the week together and had plans for that day. The mother has a routine which the daughter is fully aware of.

If she had a pressing issue she needed to discuss she could have said so or chosen a better time. She actually only wanted to sit and read and didn't check whether this was OK with her mum.

A 23 year old who cannot wait 30 minutes for her mother's attention (in a non emergency situation) is way to needy/demanding.

It was obviously exaggeration for effect. But several posters have called her selfish, so not really miles off.

Bitch is intended to be an insult. Selfish is being used in this context to describe a behaviour, we have no idea if it's accurate.

Exaggerating and adding your own insults to make other people's point of view seem more unreasonable is a weak, transparent, unpersuasive tactic.

*It was your last morning together, she's 23 and sought some level of connection. She sat in silence, maybe just to see what you did as you say, she may have confused quiet and alone time.

OP was going to be spending the day with her daughter. OP actually took time off work and had spent many days with her daughter already.

It's not like it was the 1st time in 12 years OP had seen her.

If you invited me out for lunch, would you like it if I turned up at your house at 10am 'just to hang out'?

They had time together scheduled for that day. All the daughter needed to do was read her book in the bedroom, or one of the two other reception rooms for 30 mins. Or play on her phone, browse Reddit, anything.

For 30 minutes.

At age 23.

Did she just want to sit and read? How do we know that? The OP never asked. You say she can't wait 30mins? Where do you get that from? Again the OP never asked her to wait 30mins. That is what I think is 'off' the lack of communication, like I said all it needed imo was a quick check in, a quick are you ok, a quick show of care then get on with whatever the OP does in the morning. I would have a done a quick this isn't like you to join me in the morning, is everything ok, is anything worrying you about going home/anything you need to talk about before going home. Then if I established that everything was ok I would have said ok then, look I really need this half hour, I can't wait to spend the morning with you though before you leave.

Sometimes for hard conversations there never is a 'right time', the right time is when you can brace yourself to have it. Again we will never know if that is what was going on because the OP never asked.

Did she just want to sit and read? How do we know that?

OP says so in post at 10.27.

Women should not have to quantify harm or inconvenience to justify putting themselves first occasionally.

how could ANYONE argue with this

I feel tired just reading your post @FuppingEll . I don't have time for that much explaining and I am not ND. My time is my time, end of. I am with the pp who said "Because I said so."

disingenuous "misunderstanding" of what people say. The adult brain is fully developed at around 25 years of age.
They don't go from being needy 5 year olds to fully developed 25 year old brains overnight.
At 23 it isn't beyond comprehension to understand that this self-care is essential to OPs daily routine. I hope OP and her DD have discussed it again and are both now on the same page.

This.

I can understand where you’re coming from but if, say, your daughter feels you have a history of being emotionally unavailable, or she’s struggling with something in her life, then I can imagine it felt like a major rejection to her.

Read the OPs posts. She says it is her 30 minute routine and dd knows that.

Actually my post was somewhat tongue in cheek.As the mother of adult children,albeit children with disabilities, I realize that the human brain develops over time. However, I would expect a 23 year old to understand her mother needing some quiet time.

I think the fact she just wanted to ‘sit’ with her and probably just be, together, in silence. Not sure why OP couldn’t manage it.

@Nellynoowhoareyou

not sure why her Daughter couldn’t just have left her mother alone in peace for 30 minutes.

Did you actually read any of the ops posts why she explained why she "couldn't manage it"?

She already knows this and chose to ignore it and prioritise what she wanted over what her mother needed.

It's been explained a few times by other posters and op.