About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

I want to get a tshirt saying " I am a mum for life".....

Not really.

My husband is like you OP and I do feel hurt by it, even tho it’s nothing personal. I have ADHD myself but always like to be around others but he needs his alone time and if I go to spend time with him will sometimes take himself off. It’s hard to not feel rejected even if we know it isn’t personal. Next time can you tell her in mornings you need a mental breather to prep for the day and you’re looking forwards to spending time later but right now you’re going to just relax? I think the leaving the room is probably the hurtful part.

It doesn't sound like she was being selfish. OP even said herself she thought her daughter didn't realise that OP had to be completely alone. She just wanted to sit by her mum quietly and obviously got upset as she couldn't understand why that was an issue.

I think it's a bit much accussing OP's daughter of being selfish in this context, at worst it sounds like a miscommunication and I would have made an exception personally.

The DD's been there all week. I would assume OP has been having her 30 minutes every day so the DD would be aware of it...

Yeah, if your dd was three or even 13, I'd think perhaps you should have stopped what you're doing, but at 23 she can deal with it without having to make a drama.

OP says otherwise.

But yeah, what a selfish little bitch, wanting to sit quiety in the company of her mum for 30 minutes before she leaves 🙄

Agreed.

This time out is like medicine for OP. She needs it to function well during the day.

Some of the ignorant responses on here really indicate the difficulties of being ND in a NT-designed world.

OP is there any reading material you could perhaps show your daughter to explain why this morning routine is so necessary for you? You shouldn't have to over-explain yourself of course, but if it helps convey why you acted how you did, it could help prevent future misunderstandings on her part, and unnecessary guilt on yours.

I would also take 10 mins to sit alone with your DD and gently ask her if she wanted to talk about anything in particular. She might have chosen that moment on purpose to speak about something sensitive, and while it was not a great time of day for you, it's important to give her that space in case she was trying to open up about something.

But yeah, what a selfish little bitch, wanting to sit quiety in the company of her mum for 30 minutes before she leaves.

No one is saying the DD is a bitch. Selfish or self-absorbed, yes. Again, her wants don't trump her mother's needs and mum is permitted some alone time (especially given her ND) even when her DD is leaving.

So in the s hol holidays, your DH looks after the children the 2 days you work, you have a day off work the same and then you do the weekend.

could he stop one night at the weekend for a shift you do not work midweek, so you have one day together at the weekend?

Sorry wrong thread!!!

OPs dd knows she meditates and op didn't just randomly leave the room to fuck off, ops dd knew she was doing her self care and wanted to sit in on it. You say your dh is like op, do you mean he takes 30 mins on the morning to meditate and help him focus for the day due to help with executive functioning issues but you want to spend that time in the room with him and follow him?

Or that he just randomly fucks off from an activity your doing together to be alone and away from you? Because that's different to what OP describes.

Personally, I would have said ‘ffs, just give me my half hours peace and then I’m all yours, all day’.
Half an hour may not seem much to others, but I expect it is the difference between you having a good day or a bad day. At 23, she is old enough to understand this and I wouldn’t be able to relax there was someone else in the room.
I hope you’re ok.

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread .. as a 23 year old I used to visit my DM 4-5 times a year and whilst she always made me very welcome and 'spoiled' me with treats, nice outings etc I absolutely respected that it was her home and to some extent I was interrupting her 'routine'. I fully understood that she had various obligations and things she wanted to do on her own, I would not have dreamt of assuming I was going to get 24/7 attention. And thank goodness she did practice self care and had her own hobbies and interests because now she's 90 and doesn't expect me to drop everything and 'amuse' her all the time.

This is an excellent post op.. earlier ones are confusing but this is very clear, well done..I hope it goes well with your dd.

She didn't 'blatantly reject' her daughter, jeez talk about hysterical!

The daughter didn't respect her mother's needs, that's the issue.

Haha!

Neither. He will just take himself off but not in the middle of something and no I don’t follow, but I’m just saying to OP if she explained what she was doing then her daughter would probably understand. Her walking off does otherwise come off as hurtful.

No. OP's daughter has left home. OP can be in whatever room she wants.

If she meditates in the bedroom, you'd be here saying it's unfair he doesn't get to get changed in the bedroom, it's his room too, etc.

She just wants 30 mins peace and quiet in order to function.

OP, I think this is more about communication than whether or not it's unreasonable for you to meditate on your own in the morning.

I don't think you should fret and overthink this. You obviously have a nice relationship with your daughter or else she wouldn't be squeezing in extra time with you!

The only thing I'd say is if you want to be totally alone, choose an alone room, not a public room as doing it in a public room sorts of invites company. The part that could seem rejecting is when your daughter is sitting there being quiet and you just get up and go out. That might have seemed rejecting to her. I think I might have felt that if I'd been her. Maybe she wanted to see what you do in case she wanted to try something similar? Or maybe she wanted quiet one-on-one time with you to confide something. I might just check out if she needed to talk to you about anything and make sure there is some quiet one on one time together - not always doing or busy or out and about where she might not feel she can tell you something private.

But as for your routine, such things are supposed to be very good for us. Don't feel guilty. Embrace it. Laugh about it. Tell people it makes an enormous difference to you. Encourage others to try it. Don't feel like it is "selfish" or whatever. Of course it isn't.

There is nothing wrong with spending some time on your own meditating or whatever you need to do. I'd just look at whether you're communicating it well and check with your daughter that she's ok and make sure she gets a bit of quiet time with you too so she has a chance to talk to you if she needs in a more private way.

I wonder if this is one of those Love Languages incompatibilities?
When I visit my mum (about once a year) by far and away the best part of the visit is when we're sitting in each other's company, doing our own thing. Going out is lovely, I appreciate her treating me with something like breakfast out, but it's more like a present of yummy food than a gift of her company. Just sitting in a room reading while mum was doing her morning routine, that would be my idea of being-with-mum.

The only thing that gives me pause, OP, is the way you seem to frame this scenario as you having needs, and your daughter having demands. You need the time alone - your daughter demanded time with you. I have a list of psychiatric diagnoses as long as your arm but I've learned that this doesn't make my needs more real than those of the people I love.

If you are going to talk to your daughter about this I'd approach it as a clash of needs. Don't just say, "I need my alone time every morning." Also acknowledge, "I know sometimes you need to just be with me." It doesn't mean you have to surrender your needs so that hers get met but I really think it will help your relationship with your daughter if you can say, "I can't meet that need in the first hour after I get up." (Or however you want to set the boundary of your time alone).

I really don’t understand the pandering to adult children- it’s ridiculous. The OP wanted a small amount of time for herself. This is not a big ask. I would have had no issue with my mother doing this from about the age of 9 if not younger.
Her daughter having an issue with this is incredibly emotionally immature. It’s not as if her daughter was in the middle of a crisis. And actually maybe mum demonstrating that it’s actually ok to ask for time for your own space and put down boundaries is a good life lesson for her daughter

So you clearly don't understand.

I can't meditate with someone next to me. I can hear them breathing, swallowing, turning the page. Sure, the Dali Lama and meditate in a hurricane, but I need a quiet room alone.

So does the op.

They were going to spend the whole day together. She could tell op whatever she wanted then.

My DM and I had a tumultuous relationship and sometimes, even in my late teens/early adulthood, my behaviour was clearly a need for connection that had long sailed.

It was your last morning together, she's 23 and sought some level of connection. She sat in silence, maybe just to see what you did as you say, she may have confused quiet and alone time.

That being said, the background with your relationship is important context here. There is some suspicion I have ADHD (a clinical therapist has raised it, not a stab in the dark from the internet) and I reflect on my childhood and realise that my DM was probably not NT. I often feel overwhelmed if the house is busy and noisy and take myself off for 10-15 minutes. My young DC sometimes likes to follow and the only thing we do is sit and hold hands in silence, otherwise I do ask them to give me a moment alone. My own DM would shut herself away for a whole day, she was inaccessible. @Alwayspeckish I get for you it's just some time in the morning but have there been points that your DD has needed more from you? If this is bigger than the one instance, has your DD felt sidelined or of no importance in the past? Or does she perhaps exhibit traits to suggest she finds boundaries hard in general?

This is ridiculous, mothers are people too with needs and wants. Her 23 year old daughter still wants her mother on tap like when she was 5 and no comprehension of anybody’s needs except her own.
Have a quiet word with your daughter op now that you’ve had time to mull it over, and please do not feel any guilt about needing to look after yourself.

Some women really don't like the idea of other women having time to themselves do they?
OP, yanbu. She is 23 years old for gods sake.