About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

She knows her mother needs this time at the start of the day. She decided what she wanted was more important. That's selfish.

SquirrelSoShiny
i am not that good at meditation to be honest!
i do a combination of things.
i have a certain place that i sit with the same view . That helps as if i feel all over the place .. at leasr its familiar.

some days it goes all wrong .

i feel like my brain is full of busyness and dh says he knows that i havw though 1100 thoughts within a min of wake ing up .

so what i do is any of the below

1. a grattitute book
2. a to do today book
3. i often write down what i need to do as i forget helpful am routines nearly every day.. so i will write — wake up/ move !/ have a shower / coffee / clean .. or the morning can go and i havnt moved
4. i listen to a morning meditation on you tube
5. A shadt guru meditation
6. the best thing for me .. what i call meditation .. is i focus in something like a flower, a tree, the sky and all look and think about it . .. and only it ( sometimes forget, but thats the aim) .. if i can become absorbed in that my mind can feel sort of clean / clear as thoughts dont gallop around as much . Its likei become absorbed in ut in its entirety unless i hear another noise like a passing car or someone speakea to me and its blown .

so , i guess its not ‘ real ‘ mediation .. its a combo of clearing my mind as much as i can and also creating as much focus as i can .

if it don't things can feel really odd . For eg i didnt one day dd was here and i hit the gate post with the car , hurt my foot , burnt the food x2

the above settles things as much as poss.

i only suspect i have ADHD - adult DD has been diagnosed over the last 3 years and since i have a LOT of the same traits it could be me too. I have been reading up on it and asking what works (or not) for DD and a 30 minute quiet start to the day is pretty much what i need (and get). It is time to quieten my brain down and work out what I'm doing for the day.

I remove as much noise and action as possible for my mornings (get everything ready the night before, including putting out clothes and getting a cup out ready for coffee, and spend that time just zoning out and back in for the day.

I have told my family that i want this quiet time. I haven't said why specifically, and in an emergency or when we have to be at, say, the airport early, it goes by the wayside and i have to cope. I have never explicitly said why and what i do, and as adults around OP's DD's age, i expect them to either ask or accept it is what it is.

OP, again, you have done and are doing nothing wrong. it works for you, that is the main thing.

If you arranged to have lunch with your daughter and she arrived at ten, you'd say, "Go away, I don't want to see you till 12." ??

@Abouttoblow "She knows her mother needs this time at the start of the day. She decided what she wanted was more important. That's selfish."
OP has needs, her daughter has wants. I don't understand this distinction. People keep saying daughter can't need her mum because she's an adult. But OP is an adult too! She has several decades on her daughter. So what's OP done to mean things that contribute to her well-being are classed as needs? And why can't her daughter qualify as having needs, too?

I've always thought there were a ridiculous number of posters on MN who have gone low- or no- contact with their mothers. This thread has been ... an eye-opener.

@DontGetEvenGetEverything yes both the mum and daughter can have needs, but when they conflict asking for 30 minutes alone time is not unreasonable if you can then give your daughter 23.5 hours a day where she puts her daughters needs first.

What some posters can’t understand is that for some of us needing alone time is not just an I fancy this, it’s a physical craving, my skin starts to crawl, internally my whole body is screaming at me to find somewhere I can be alone.

So what's OP done to mean things that contribute to her well-being are classed as needs?

OP takes 30 minutes of quiet time alone each morning to organise her thoughts as part of managing her ADHD. This is an established routine which her daughter is aware of. The ADHD is the crucial thing you seemed to have missed.

@DontGetEvenGetEverything absolutely no-one has said the dd can't need her mum because she's 23. No-one!
The OP has adhd so her neurology needs the process of quiet reordering at the start of the so that the OP can function.

As a result of that 30 minutes she will be available and able to focus on her daughter whatever her needs might be.

I'm gobsmacked at how lacking in understanding people are even when it's been explained repeatedly on this thread.

As you seem to be struggling to understand @DontGetEvenGetEverything try thinking of it like the instructions on an aeroplane. Parents are instructed to put on their oxygen masks first before attending to their children.
Get it?

@DontGetEvenGetEverything

are you trying to say that unless you are available 24/7 7 days a week for your adult offspring they are justified in going no contact with you??!

yeah, nah.

@DontGetEvenGetEverything I am very, very close to my mum. We talk daily. She comes and stays with me for months at a time ( acceptable in my culture)

And yet I allow her an hour every morning to pray, meditate and do yoga. Despite the fact she is not ND. Because I am an adult.

Thanks so much for this! I know I need to do it more I just have a tendency to overthink it all!

There is nothing to suggest the OP can't put herself first the majority of the time not just 'occasionally'. She doesn't talk of having any other children living at home? People are talking like the OP is a put upon mother to 5 under 5 not the mother of one grown up daughter The OP always has 30mins to herself in the morning this appears to be the first time the dd tried to spend time with her mother during this time. If you think walking away from her dd was fine that's grand but since when is doing something every day occasionally. Oh I occasionally eat dinner every day It sounds far more accurate to say that she occasionally sees her daughter!

You too are completely missing the point @FuppingEll that the OP has adhd and needs that process at the start of the day in order to function at her best. It's not a luxury It's a necessity. People are so quick to dismiss the impact of adhd.

Tbh even if the Op didn't need this I can't see the problem.

There seems to have been no reason for her daughter to interrupt if she was only wanting to read.

Seems quite disrespectful if she knows & understands how important this is to Op.

A few people say that they can't function until they've had their first coffee in peace!

No. I was responding to a very particular point about 'women occasionally putting themselves first'.

I think to be fair to your dd that it’s not that she needs ALL your time, it’s more that this particular meditating time feels so important to you and she wants to relate to you on a more adult level now so she thought she could share this special time. But she can’t. Perhaps you could offer to walk her through your meditating together another time eg in the afternoon so it’s not taking up your morning meditating time?
like my husband might go for a run with me but he’s much fitter so it’s not his run, he will do that separately, then go on another one at my pace to do one with me?

You're not being unreasonable. Your DD knows you and your routine and why. I'm sure she got over it very quickly. Like you said, you had a good time at breakfast, so you might be over thinking this.

I do wonder if your daughter sought you out in a private spot because she was hoping to talk to you about something personal and didn't feel there was an opportunity for that kind of privacy elsewhere?

You responded to a comment about "women" with by referencing the OP specifically and commented that she didn't have lots of other children etc. But ignored her specific needs relating to her adhd.