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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

243 replies

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 09:55

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2023 11:23

AtomicBlondeRose · 02/07/2023 10:06

Rejected a grown adult for half an hour out of the day? When they’ve spent the rest of the time together? OP is perfectly entitled to her self-care routine of 30 bloody minutes to meditate in her own house without someone else muscling in!

@Azandme

this! Im sure her daughter will be fine.

HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 11:25

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 11:01

it is ok to have a sanctuary but it should not be a reception room. Should be a teeny tiny corner of your own bedroom and your husband should be supporting that, not your kids. They are kids and have right to both develop empathy and feel at home. This is the point of having home

That's a crazy thing to say! You're only entitled to a teeny tiny corner in your own fucking house?

OP said she has multiple reception rooms. She requires the sole use of 1 of these for 30 minutes a day. It's her house! Her daughter doesn't live there! We're not talking about a family of 15 living in a 2 up 2 down. She's not asking her family to go outside and stand in 3 foot deep snow while she wallows in a bath of milk, drinking champagne. FFS

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 11:26

Yes . The routine calms amd grounds me . There will be less chaos and focuss on my dd that way for sure !

OP posts:
ApplesInTheSunshine · 02/07/2023 11:27

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Splishsploshsplash · 02/07/2023 11:28

I do t think you did anything wrong OP! Your family know you need 30 minutes to yourself every morning.

So many martyrs on here.

Delia123 · 02/07/2023 11:29

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 11:22

ApplesInTheSunshine what a horrible response .

Ignore this post. You're right, is a horrible response.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with one adult saying to another adult 'I just need half an hour to myself and then we'll start our day'. If anything your daughter is unreasonable in expecting you to put her needs above your own. It's half an hour ffs. It is not the end of her world or yours if she has to read her book in another room.

Lentilweaver · 02/07/2023 11:29

Yesterday I was on a thread- now deleted- where a poor OP recovering from cancer and venting about wanting a bit of space from adult DC living with her ( only venting, not showing them the door) was roundly berated because "Children are for life." Then she was told to downsize, buy a caravan.. because she brought them into the world.

Really, are women supposed to dedicate every minute of their life and every inch of their homes to parenting just because they had DC?

I myself am in a small London flat with a tiny bedroom, so I have my quiet time in my living room with coffee, looking out onto the park. DC better respect that.

LIZS · 02/07/2023 11:29

The issue is not so much that you need your routine for half an hour but that you said she could be there, read or whatever then decided not. Presumably you have managed to do this each day she has been around.

Pressuretoohigh · 02/07/2023 11:30

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You clearly have no understanding of ADHD - by taking the time to meditate the OP is taking responsibility for herself by ensuring she is able to function properly throughout the day which includes being able to focus on her daughter.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2023 11:31

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@ApplesInTheSunshine

get a grip! Op wanted 30 mins to herself - 30
mins! not unreasonable at all.

being a mother doesn’t mean putting yourself last all the time you know!

FOJN · 02/07/2023 11:32

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Your posts are despicable.

A self care routine to manage the challenges of any condition is the very definition of taking responsibility.

For anyone with ADHD who is reading this thread, we're not all as ignorant as this poster.

Stirredandconfused678 · 02/07/2023 11:32

Ime this is the essence of teens and young adults. They still want and need you infrequently but when they do it’s on their terms and immediately! They still have to build more patience and insight in to what others are feeling.

This “selfishness” is a developmental protective trait which keeps them safe at a time when they are leaving the nest and exploring new and potentially dangerous territories.

When my two dd uni students are back from holidays they sleep in late and virtually ignore me all day and then at 11 pm when I want to sleep having risen early, they will come in to my bedroom and sit on the end of my bed and share their innermost problems at length! Or just their thoughts. Or not much in particular… . ! I’ve been tempted to say “bugger off I’m tired” but can’t bring myself to do it as I’m pathetically grateful they are still talking to me 😁😄 and I am still of some use to them 😃😀 and also bc young adults problems can potentially be quite serious.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do though op. As an older, menopausal women, with so many demands split between young adults and teens and elderly parents, work and home, 30 mins of peace in the morning for self care is not much to ask for, but all children imho whether adult or not have an inbuilt Exocet missile capacity that alerts them when their mothers have 5 mins to do anything for themselves. 😄😁

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 11:32

ApplesInTheSunshine · i disagree . Its like someone else not taking their medication. The fact that i take this time is actuallu for the benefit of others not just me . Its ok that you dont understand . But no need to be nasty .

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 02/07/2023 11:33

SophieJo · 02/07/2023 10:09

Your daughter was reaching out to you and you rejected her. Whatever your diagnosis or her age, you are her mother at the end of the day.

Absolutely this.

Azandme · 02/07/2023 11:34

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2023 11:01

She's 23 not 13! They've spent loads of time together.

1 hour that the OP clearly needs isn't a rejection!

Show quote history

It wasn't the need for the time we all need that - it was how it was dealt with, in particular, what was said.

That's why it was a rejection.

Not "I need to be alone just to sort my thoughts, I'll be with you in 30 mins, then I'm all yours."

But, "...no id rather you dont do that and so if you do i will need to go else-were..."

Phrasing matters. Same outcome, vastly different impact.

Lentilweaver · 02/07/2023 11:34

ha ha @Stirredandconfused678 your post is absolutely spot on. My teens are always coming into my room at midnight with their troubles. Mostly I listen, but there have been the odd occasions I tell them to come back in the morning. Unfortunately, our body clocks are completely out of sync.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 02/07/2023 11:35

gogomoto · 02/07/2023 11:02

I'd be annoyed at my mum if I visited and she rejected me for peace and quiet, just have the time out later. My dd is autistic, I get the need for routine but I have worked with her since she was tiny so she wasn't rigid like this, the world needs flexibility

What an arrogant and insensitive post. Neurodiversity doesn't get drummed out of an individual by parenting! Your dd's ability to cope with change is irrelevant.

And if you read the OP you would understand that it was not a "change to routine" that was the issue.
The OP needs time at the start of the day to reset her thought processes in preparation for the day. It's not simply rest or relaxation, it's a necessity for her cognitive function.
If you understand ND you will know that executive functioning is often affected. The OP has established a process by which she mitigates the impact of her neurodiversity.
I completely get why it needs to be in private.

Would you be as insensitive to an individual with a physical disability or medical need who had to undertake exercise or a a procedure in order function for the rest of the day?

Motnight · 02/07/2023 11:35

Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:15

Oh sorry adhd

ok OP - I get how important that time is to you

but a big part of being a parent is to squash sometimes what we want to do at that exact moment - for our child.

it was your daughters last morning with you. You could have set aside your meditation until later OR got up earlier

And another big part of parenting an adult child is you helping them understand that their wishes don't always trump yours.

FuppingEll · 02/07/2023 11:35

Splishsploshsplash · 02/07/2023 11:28

I do t think you did anything wrong OP! Your family know you need 30 minutes to yourself every morning.

So many martyrs on here.

I dont think that letting you adult child who is leaving that day sit in the same room as you is being a martyr though? Like she was clearly looking for the comfort of being with her mum before she left, I just don't think it is a massive thing to ask for.

I dont know I had abusive parents and haven't had parents as an adult due to being no contact from 17 so maybe that frames my view but I wouldn't turn away my kids even when adults when they are about to leave and looking for some comfort from their mum.

CovertImage · 02/07/2023 11:36

MrsMarzetti · 02/07/2023 10:31

maybe your Daughter had something really important that she need to discuss with you and thought your early morning quiet time was perfect as there would be no distractions or interruptions. Yes you have adhd but you say you have a good job and have managed to raise a family, surely sometimes as a grown woman you realise it is not all about you and that other people have issue too. I think you will have hurt your daughter deeply, now you need to make sure you repair the damage and think about the needs of others.

Utter pandering crap. Again adult women have to put EVERYONE ahead of their own needs. And to tell OP - who's neurodiverse - that she will have hurt her daughter deeply is quite sickening.

I'd like to tell you exactly what I think of you if it wouldn't get me banned but you're certainly a nasty piece of work

IamnotHWhittier · 02/07/2023 11:36

At 23 she should understand that it’s not all about her and you need your time and space.
I completely get you OP
Maybe you need to have another chat with her explaining why you need this time and space to yourself and that you are not rejecting her in any way. Which of course you aren’t.

Lentilweaver · 02/07/2023 11:37

TBH I think the neurodiversity is a red herring. I think all parents- and especially mums- deserve their own time and space, and deserve to set boundaries. Especially these days when DC live at home until they are 50. And when most women this age will also be looking after elderly parents, working all hours, grappling with CoL....

Delia123 · 02/07/2023 11:37

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She is taking responsibility because she knows how she functions and what she needs to do to function well. She also knows the consequences of not doing this. Would you have the same attitude if she needed 30 minutes privacy every morning to deal with injections, medication or looking after a stoma? There's no difference.

HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 11:38

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Entirely the opposite.
OP is taking responsibility for her health and wellbeing by taking steps to mitigate it's impact to herself (and by extension her wider family)

Let's substitute some words for your x, a, b and c here for other health conditions...

“if I don’t get to do my AA meetings then I'll start drinking, loose my job, and need to sell the family house and it will be your fault because I didn’t do it”.

“if I don’t get to take my insulin injections then my blood sugar will rise, I'll go blind and need my toes amputating and it will be your fault because I didn’t do it”.

loislovesstewie · 02/07/2023 11:38

You did nothing wrong, you need to perform a particular task so that you can face the day, lots of people with various conditions do that. I would just explain that you need that quiet time,completely alone and that you prefer to be in a particular room to do it.