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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

243 replies

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 09:55

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

OP posts:
HollyBookBlue · 02/07/2023 11:04

FOJN · 02/07/2023 10:58

Wow people on this thread are harsh!

It's not harsh it's spiteful batshittery. When Germaine Greer said women have no idea how much men hate them she forgot to mention the women who hate other women.

To put the boot in when someone has expressed a vulnerability and been honest about the challenges they face reading situations is just fucking vile.

You're absolutely right

MerylSqueak · 02/07/2023 11:05

I am genuinely shocked at the number of responses saying OP was unreasonable.

Bonbon21 · 02/07/2023 11:06

Is it possible your daughter had something important she wanted to say to you?
And hadn't quite found the right moment during her visit? Had spent the entire visit working up her courage? And suddenly realised that she was running out of time to have 'The Conversation'?
I understand your need for your meditation... and it makes sense... it works for you to have this routine.
Perhaps this was an opportunity lost for both of you... could you simply ask her outright.. tell her you love her... tell her you are listening now..

DamnUserName21 · 02/07/2023 11:08

OP, you are entitled to your 30 minutes meditation session. Your daughter is old enough to be able to respect this. IMO, she was being selfish in demanding your attention when she is aware it is your brief quiet time and has otherwise had your time and energy since she's been home.

YANBU.

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 11:10

Bonbon21 · 02/07/2023 11:06

Is it possible your daughter had something important she wanted to say to you?
And hadn't quite found the right moment during her visit? Had spent the entire visit working up her courage? And suddenly realised that she was running out of time to have 'The Conversation'?
I understand your need for your meditation... and it makes sense... it works for you to have this routine.
Perhaps this was an opportunity lost for both of you... could you simply ask her outright.. tell her you love her... tell her you are listening now..

This is what I am thinking. Or just wanted 30 mins of 1-2-1 quiet time with OP before she heads off. It sounds like there has been lots of rushing about.

This isn't about OP neglecting her needs, it's about as a one off reacting to her daughter expressing wanting to be with her beofer going away again I imagine as your children get older this get rarer. For me, especailly as it's a one off, I would be grabbing that with both hands. That's not me hating women, or disregarding their needs for selfcare at all, it's about a child expressing a need or want to be close to their parent at the time when they are no longer a child but might sometimes feel like it. I will admit though that my mum died when I was at that age, so I am possibly oversentimental about the idea of this.

Pressuretoohigh · 02/07/2023 11:11

BeverlyHa · 02/07/2023 11:01

it is ok to have a sanctuary but it should not be a reception room. Should be a teeny tiny corner of your own bedroom and your husband should be supporting that, not your kids. They are kids and have right to both develop empathy and feel at home. This is the point of having home

There were other reception rooms available - the DD wasn't banished to sit on the stairs or in her bedroom. The DD is also 23 and at this point should have enough empathy to understand that her mother has needs too.

Lentilweaver · 02/07/2023 11:11

The DD can talk about this crucial issue over breakfast.
I am curious as to how many posters actually have adult children.

SallyWD · 02/07/2023 11:13

I think it's fine that you have this time to yourself. Self care is very important. However, in this particular case I would have assumed my daughter needed me on her last morning and I would have prioritised her.

DamnUserName21 · 02/07/2023 11:13

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 11:10

This is what I am thinking. Or just wanted 30 mins of 1-2-1 quiet time with OP before she heads off. It sounds like there has been lots of rushing about.

This isn't about OP neglecting her needs, it's about as a one off reacting to her daughter expressing wanting to be with her beofer going away again I imagine as your children get older this get rarer. For me, especailly as it's a one off, I would be grabbing that with both hands. That's not me hating women, or disregarding their needs for selfcare at all, it's about a child expressing a need or want to be close to their parent at the time when they are no longer a child but might sometimes feel like it. I will admit though that my mum died when I was at that age, so I am possibly oversentimental about the idea of this.

Show quote history

This is not a child. This is an adult who is putting her own wants beyond the needs of her mother and is old enough to know better.
Barring an emergency, did this 'important' conversation have to happen during OPs quiet time--unlikely.

Brefugee · 02/07/2023 11:13

OP don't worry about the naysayers on this thread. It's some people's hobby to come on AIBU and play "mean girls"

I have reported your OP to the MN team and asked for it to be moved to Parents of Adult Children for you (you can do this any time if you post in the "wrong" topic, by the way, just go to your first post, hit the Report button, select Other, and write in the text box what you would like and why)

I think a lot of people might benefit from the kind of self-care routine you describe. Does your DD have ADHD too? it may manifest itself differently.

One thing is for sure, you do have a lovely relationship with your daughter. If you have explained why you reacted as you did, i'm sure she will be fine.

Pressuretoohigh · 02/07/2023 11:14

Xrays · 02/07/2023 10:07

I am the same as you op but for the sake of a week I’d hide it very well and just put up with your dd invading your space - smile and nod and make her feel welcome.

But then the OP wouldn't be able to spend quality time with her daughter - the 30 mins meditation enables the OP to spend the rest of the day focusing on her daughter properly.

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 11:15

Thank you for the kind words many of you .

OP posts:
CheshireCat1 · 02/07/2023 11:17

You haven’t done anything wrong, please don’t feel guilty about it.

OriginalUsername2 · 02/07/2023 11:18

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:27

She brought her book . She said she wd read while i did it . The thing is .. and i feel ashamed to say , i cant meditate or sit as i normally do when there is another person there . The turning of the pages for eg wd make it impossible .

This is nothing to be ashamed of. She obviously doesn’t understand meditation and it’s use for adhd, like many people.

ApplesInTheSunshine · 02/07/2023 11:18

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Lentilweaver · 02/07/2023 11:19

Unbelievable responses. I am reporting some of them. OP, do get the thread moved.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 02/07/2023 11:19

I have Dx autism and I get exactly how you feel OP. I need this time too, to process and be 'off'. DD is old enough to understand, my DCs are tiny and get it. DH takes over for that time, it makes me a better Mum. If I am overstimmed and stressed, the DCs get upset, as do I. Don't feel bad Flowers

FOJN · 02/07/2023 11:20

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Did you miss the bit about OP having ADHD?

For her the morning meditation is an essential part of mitigating the challenges ADHD presents.

Poor behaviour? FFS

DamnUserName21 · 02/07/2023 11:21

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Bullshit! Lot's of persons cannot meditate nor focus on mindfulness with others' in the room. That's why they do it solo! Add ADHD in the mix---it get's even harder.
Is there some reason the daughter could not read elsewhere?!

1stTimeMama · 02/07/2023 11:22

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This shows very clearly how you have zero knowledge or understanding of ND concerns and the needs of people with ADHD or who are autistic. Going without that 30 minutes of structured routine may very well have thrown out OP's entire day, led to high stress levels, confusion and upset. The daughter is 23, not 5, and she has been there all week. Unless she is neurodivergent herself, she should be completely capable of allowing her own mother the time she needs to ready herself for yet another day of dealing with whatever symptoms of her ADHD cause her to struggle.

Have some bloody compassion and empathy.

Rosietheravisher · 02/07/2023 11:22

Really? I don't see it that way. But I suspect that I may on the spectrum (no diagnosis) so what do I know?

CaffineChaos · 02/07/2023 11:22

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I don't agree it's not a need. To someone with adhd, removing a coping mechanism can and does make the rest of the day go to shit. Without that small amount of time to empty the chaos from the head and plan the day with clarity, the op is likely to be super distracted and not as present for her dd if she's trying to mask the chaos in head and the OPs dd would likely have a better quality time with a mum who isn't trying to mask. It really isn't as simple as skipping a day for some people. It has real implications for everyone when a perfectly reasonable coping mechanism is removed.

My friend meditates and it makes a massive difference to her adhd, it totally stopped her self harming for a start, remove that from her and her symptoms are more present she then gets shit for not being organised and forgetting things she needed that day, which is more stressful for her (now adult) dd than half an hour on a morning meditating and planning the day.

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 11:22

ApplesInTheSunshine what a horrible response .

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 02/07/2023 11:23

No guilt needed OP you've done nothing wrong. Your adult daughter was in the wrong to interrupt your special time.

Ignore the people who are trying to make you feel guilty.

Your routine works for you and helps you function.

1stTimeMama · 02/07/2023 11:23

You should be ashamed of yourself @ApplesInTheSunshine