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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

243 replies

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 09:55

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 02/07/2023 10:13

I'm just here to ask for advice on how to learn to meditate with ADHD! 😁

Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:13

Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:09

I wake with a mind full of chaos . I sit by self ro wake up and orgainze my head . If i dont i do things like drop things , am v untidy. Aimless .Odd .. i know .

What is your diagnosis?

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:14

Tippingadvice yea i does feel like my medication . I have to order myself as things can go wrong .! Like leaving the oven on for a day.. losing my housekeys … many many things x

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:15

Oh sorry adhd

ok OP - I get how important that time is to you

but a big part of being a parent is to squash sometimes what we want to do at that exact moment - for our child.

it was your daughters last morning with you. You could have set aside your meditation until later OR got up earlier

SparklingLime · 02/07/2023 10:15

YANBU, but AIBU is not the place for questions like this. It is full of people just waiting to criticise.

I think your DD was being very unreasonable.

Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:17

What I find a bit baffling is that at 23 your daughter doesn’t know you very well indeed and how this is something that is important to you and that you would likely be inflexible about it

KimberleyClark · 02/07/2023 10:18

YANBU OP. My mother used to meditate when I was your daughter’s age and I would not have dreamed of interrupting her unless it was some kind of emergency!

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:18

Thanks all .
to be clear

dd knows i do this each am and why

we were going for food in half an hiurs time

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 10:19

Awww I feel sorry for your daughter. Would one morning really be that much of an issue?

AtomicBlondeRose · 02/07/2023 10:20

I get putting a child’s wants first - but the child is 23 and could be married with children of her own? Where does it end? If it was a one hour visit and OP took half an hour out, that would be a rejection. If it’s days on end and they’re going out for breakfast it’s perfectly reasonable to take that time! In my family it’s very normal for everyone to want and need some alone time before reconvening, refreshed, to enjoy time together. Nobody feels rejected. Right now we’re all in various parts of the house alone, very happy.

WednesdayLounge · 02/07/2023 10:20

I think you were reasonable and your daughter was not. Perhaps try and explain to her again why it's important and how you struggle if you can't have your time.

OriginalUsername2 · 02/07/2023 10:22

Azandme · 02/07/2023 10:04

This.

You blatantly rejected your dd. That's got to have really hurt.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:22

Fiddlesticks 82

she does know me . She knows why.
i think she wants me not to be like i am she maybe does not understand . She likes to be with people.

OP posts:
PinkFootstool · 02/07/2023 10:23

From the original wording, your daughter asked if she could sit with you.

Sounds to me like she wanted to try to meditate with you. If so, she's trying to understand your life which should have been a nice moment together.

JonahAndTheSnail · 02/07/2023 10:23

I don't think it's bad as your daughter is 23 and you had plans with her for right after your meditation. It's good for women in particular to value taking time for themselves and not feel like they have to people please all the time. I'm sure you enjoyed your quality time together more for having taken that bit of time to set yourself up properly for the day.

holycannaloni · 02/07/2023 10:23

You are not being unreasonable, I’m amazed at how many people think you are. Talk of being “rejected” when she’s spent most of the week with daughter is so silly.

Not to go off topic but I think these attitudes are why people are responding as they are on the thread about how much of yourself you need to sacrifice as a mother. You do not need martyr yourself endlessly, it’s not a badge of honour. Even a very small baby can be told ‘wait a moment’ - this is good for children, to not immediately run to them or respond to them if you’re in the middle of something, whether it being morning meditation, a phone call or anything else. Other cultures raise children in this way and it is much, much better. This woman is 23, she can being told to wait 30minutes after having plenty of one on one time and attention.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 10:24

I’m only guessing here, is it possible that your daughter was seeking to understand this meditation you do each morning by sharing it with you? Perhaps she didn’t quite realise that it is not just the peace and quiet you benefit from but you also benefit from the alone time.

Or maybe she was hoping to learn how this meditation could help her by sharing this experience with you.

Just have a conversation and gently explain that you need that alone time. If she would like to learn about meditation from you perhaps you could set aside some time after you have had your alone time to meditate with her.

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:24

I went upstairs and sat . I then came down and reiterated it wasnt her , but it is a routine that really helps .
she asked why was i looking stressed. I was looking stressed because i was worried i had upset her as well as i felt guilty for the routine - and for being someone who needs it .

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:24

So all this happened this morning

Did you go out half hour later for food?

or are you now on mumsnet after your meditation?

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:27

She brought her book . She said she wd read while i did it . The thing is .. and i feel ashamed to say , i cant meditate or sit as i normally do when there is another person there . The turning of the pages for eg wd make it impossible .

OP posts:
Fiddlesticks82 · 02/07/2023 10:27

I’m curious Op

sod you stick to the plan of going out afterwards?

and all this happened this morning?

RufustheSpecuIatingreindeer · 02/07/2023 10:27

Yanbu

hope you have a lovely last morning with her

(dd comes for a weekend every other month or so, she has ME and gets very tired mentally as well as physically so she has a room she can go and sit in by herself and watch a bit of mindless telly. If the door is shut we are careful about interruptions)

Lessoftheold · 02/07/2023 10:28

OP, you maybe should have posted this in Parents of adult children. In this section you'll get the opinions of mums with tiny children who may view asking their kids to leave them in peace as a rejection of them.
We make so many sacrifices for our children when they are little but we have to claim ourselves back at some stage or we are lost.
Your daughter knows your routine and is old enough to understand your need for it yet she still interrupted you. I'd try to find out if something is bothering her that she wants to talk about, but other than that don't feel guilty about needing your alone time.

Tempone · 02/07/2023 10:28

I think you articulated yourself well to your daughter is she aware of your needs? I think your daughter could be more understanding, that 30.minutes is not selfish its essential in setting you up for the day. Your daughter is 23 and should be old enough to understand that everybody has important needs that need to be respected.

Original poster
Alwayspeckish · 02/07/2023 10:28

No it wasnt today . I am reflecting a few days later .

OP posts: