About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

@momonpurpose
@SophieJo

nope. Op wanted 30 mins to herself - 30
mins! not unreasonable at all.

being a mother doesn’t mean putting yourself last all the time you know!

It is OP's child. Even if it is adult child.

As I said, it sounds like there was a lot of rushing about and things planned. Maybe she just wanted a quiet moment with her mum.

Don't worry. She is probably staring to have it dawn on her that her mum is an individual, with needs and wants and struggles.
She's not a kid anymore but still acting/ feeling like it, like most of us do at that in between age. But as we get older we usually start a new relationship with our parent, of a new mutual understanding and friendship... especially between two women. Usually that comes fully when you have your first baby and everything your mum did for you and how she felt doing it suddenly makes sense, and the bond is something different and special in a new way.
It's not a huge issue, just one of those things. Things change.

Then she needed to choose a different moment to get it. She is 23 not 8 and should be able to understand why that time is important for her mother's well being.

At what age are adult children expected to understand they aren't the center of their parents universe for every moment of everyday?

Really think this post really reflects the struggles of neuro diverse adults. If a neurodiverse child needed just 30mins of routine to function completely "normally" for the day then all experts would say do it but suddenly as an adult you are expected to just suddenly not need it! The OP is so completely unselfish. She has (probably from lots of trial and error) identified how to handle her ADHD by taking 30mins completely alone. Then she can be the good mother and functioning adult she needs to be. Those saying just let her sit with you or just skip it for a day really have no idea how that just wouldn't work. Yes you COULD but likely then OP couldn't function well enough to do all the other things that day. (It's like suggesting someone skip their meds and then expect them not to have any side effects).

And there Still plenty of time in the day for the 2 of them to have had quiet time if that's what the dd wanted.
OP needs that 30 minutes so she can order her mind. It's not a luxury it's a necessity. And she needs it to be alone. Her adhd affects her cognitive and executive functioning! That 30 minutes allows her to respond to her dd for the rest of the day!!

My take on the situation is that the dd would benefit from more understanding around adhd and its affect on her dm.

Yanbu! At 23 she's an adult who can understand when someone wants to be alone for 30 minutes. If she asked someone to sit in while they pray I bet you would get a lot of different responses.

@FOJN well according to mumsnet no child's brain stops developing before the age of 25. So they are clearly treated as incapable of anything till then.I'm always astonished that any young person is allowed to do as much as cross the road before then by themselves. And I can't believe how many martyrs are around today!But I suppose it is Sunday.

YANBU at all.

Sounds like you are a very present and supportive mother so please keep doing what you need to do for yourself. It's only 30 mins! I sometimes tell my kids I need some space / peace and quiet for that length of time - and I am NT and they are 9 and 11. They can respect that, and your dd can too.

She asked to sit with you. I'd have said "yes, you can sit. But I need quiet so please don't talk" or something like that.

But sitting with a person is totally different to sitting alone.

She's 23 more than old enough to know that it's reasonable to expect a parent to drop everything to immediately accommodate her and wait 30 minutes.

Exactly at what age do you think it is reasonable to expect a person to understand and respect that their parents are human beings with mental, physical and emotional needs to?

I really this is sarcasm or tongue in cheek or whatever, but as someone who does agree that brain development is still taking place in early twenties.... my 3 year old understands my desire for privacy sometimes!

There are some very strange people on here. Why is she rejecting her daughter just because she needs half an hour to collect her thoughts in the morning? Her daughter is 23 and has spent a lot of time with her recently. She knows what her mum needs.

I feel for you, OP. It sounds as though you've found a great way of dealing with ADHD and I'm sorry your daughter's request made you so anxious. Neither of you were being unreasonable but she should appreciate you need that time to yourself.

Yes, and they had plans to go out for breakfast together. OP is NBU to ask for her 30 mins quiet time. FGS.

Oh GOD these responses. So fucking judgy. If it makes you feel better OP, this morning may 7yo came into my bed and we had big cuddles and chats for about 30-40 mins before breakfast. Then she came back upstairs and got into bed with me after she'd eaten. I was reading, but I did not ignore her. She asked me to put the reading down for more hugs. I said no, I'm reading now, let's have a hug when I'm finished. I'm not a martyr. Is this not an important lesson to teach children nowadays? You can't just click your fingers and make other people do what you want them to. You're allowed to have time to yourself, you're allowed to chose how you spend that time. And your daughter is 23. I disagree with PP who said your daughter didn't do anything wrong - she did, she didn't respect your time and autonomy. You're a mum, not a slave.

Thing is - you're wanting your daughter to understand why you need this time alone every morning

But she obviously doesn't understand, so you need to explain more coherently

I dont get why she couldn't sit quietly reading a book whilst you meditate. You've told us why, but I don't understand, and perhaps your daughter doesn't either

Be more explicit

For me, if this 30 minutes is SO critical to your day, it's up to you to explain this

HOWEVER, if you are saying that you have explained it very very clearly to your daughter, then perhaps she is very very selfish or has issues with comprehension?

It's not that I don't expect her to understand the "rule" that's been set, although maybe she doesn't fully understand why it's so important to OP. But I can also see why she might want to feel the need to spend a quiet half an hour with her mum and maybe doesn't understand why, as a one off, she can't sit and enjoy her peaceful moment with her mum before she leaves.

You have steadfastly ignored my questions

I have used the words .. i need time alone in the morning . If i don't get it it affects the day.

i think she thought quiet time and alone time where the same .

i think i need to say

.. i need complete alone time each am . I get distracted when other people are with me as i can’t concentrate on clearing my busy mind and things will go pear shaped if i dont .. so its for you as much as me .

i think she thought i could get what i needed by her sitting quietly with me and as such as a bit hurt / confused .

i will address !

i hope by the time i spent with her , as well as the prep I did for her visit and the cups of coffee in bed etc .. let her know she is loved .

Fiddlesticks82
no . We went out to breakfast and had a lovely time . It was only after she left I felt I could focus on this .

The whole reason that half hour happens on the morning is because that's what's needed to empty the brain to face the day ahead with less stress and more focus. What would be the point of doing that later in the day?

Rather than compare your autistic sons ability to cope with changes to the day to OPs mediation routine, think of it instead like someone removing an adjustment your son needs to cope and be ok and expecting him to fake being ok and function with its removal.

My autistic niece is very flexible with time, (that could change when she's adult with a lot more responsibilities to organise and plan though) my niece not needing something op does isn't really comparable. Compare it to something your son "needs" to function being removed. My mother once made my niece take her ear defenders off at noisy restaurant, my Mum thought my niece couldn't possibly be paying attention with ear defenders on and told her to remove them and meltdown followed, Mum told my sister that other autistic children manage fine without ear defenders and my niece needs to be flexible and cope without them at times.

Maybe she could have been less selfish, respected her mother's need for quiet time that really helps her and waited for half an hour for a quiet moment with her mum.

What is it with all these posts recently basically expecting parents regardless of age to continue martyring themselves to their adult children?

OP you were 100% not being selfish. I can't function without the same time in the morning, my entire day just goes from bad to worse. I also can't meditate in my bedroom!
Do any of the posters saying you could have let her sit quietly and read her book a) meditate and b) have an ND condition? I'd be very surprised if they did as it shows a complete lack of understanding. In fact I think this thread really highlights why ND people have such a hard time in an NT world.
OP, I get why you're still thinking of how you communicated with her that morning. I can find it helpful sometimes to write out afterwards what I wished I said if that makes sense so you get it clear in your own head. I then often would send a message to the person explaining what I meant. My processing issues mean I simply can't do this real time unfortunately, and at least this way I can clear up any misunderstanding, even if it's only just in my own head!