About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

So you finish up your meditation

and then immediately reach for your phone and start a mumsnet thread?

doesn’t sound like meditation is doing what it’s meant to do OP

Ok, so she wanted to sit and read. That’s not ok. She could have sat somewhere else (another room) to read and respected your personal space.

And you are still ruminating on this?

Does that mean that the plans youd made with your daughter for her last day didn’t go ahead as planned or were tense and things have been tense then?

Do you not have your own private bedroom?

I do think doing it in a communal room is an invitation for people to join you.

Neither of you are in the wrong here.

You have a routine which helps you and she just wanted to spend time with you.

She said she wants to sit there and read a book - she literally just wanted to be with you.
She wasn’t angry and she didn’t want you to not do it.
She just loves you and wants to spend as much time with you as she can.

How often do you see her?

I can't believe that there are people on here telling the OP that she isn't permitted 30minutes a day peace and quiet . !!

The 'child' is 23 !!! Not 3. And completely able to comprehend and understand another humans need for peace. If one of her friends was doing as as her mother was - I bet my bottom dollar that she wouldn't dream of plonking down next to them and disturbing their space. It's disrespectful. Especially as the child will almost certainly be aware as to why this quiet time is so important to the OP.

However as usual the MN mummy- martyrs are out in force. Reiterating their usual tosh about women with children 'rejecting' them if they so much as think about not pandering to a child's every possible expectation and wish - even when they are adults.

Hopefully you have bought up a kind and thoughtful child OP .. and she is now a kind and thoughtful adult.

Which will be in direct contrast to the kids raised by over indulgent parents who are never taught to consider other people have needs and feelings . Including mothers !

maybe your Daughter had something really important that she need to discuss with you and thought your early morning quiet time was perfect as there would be no distractions or interruptions. Yes you have adhd but you say you have a good job and have managed to raise a family, surely sometimes as a grown woman you realise it is not all about you and that other people have issue too. I think you will have hurt your daughter deeply, now you need to make sure you repair the damage and think about the needs of others.

You know it’s ok for people to have different opinions?

Thanks for the advice . Can i get this transferred to parents of adult children .

in my mind an adult child who had had days with parent should be able to let the parent sit for half an hour before going out for food .

but yes maybe she was trying to squeeze the most time out of the day

i feel really selfish . The thing is this routine has existed a long time and has been explained to all the dc as it benefis all
i am concerned that she thinks i am unreasonable to need this daily time

This.

She should have had more respect for you.
Don’t let it worry you.

She should be more sensitive to her mother’s needs just as mothers we are often sensitive to our kids needs.

Someone has said ive hurt my daughter deeply .
that is what i was afraid of .

can this be moved to parents of adult children .. if its a better space to discuss as some have suggested?

Trying to help you understand.... How I'd see things....

You wanted to do mediation and prep your to-do's.

Your Daughter may not understand that even if she's sat silently in the same room, without actually speaking or disturbing you, this would hinder your meditation. I'd probably leave you to it and mog off because I felt awkward, but I wouldn't necessary know you'd need 100% complete seclusion.

And I think most people wouldn't realise you couldn't mentally sort your to-do's with anyone else present in the room.

I don't think she's angry with you, but in future in these circumstances perhaps explain in advance that you're taking 30 minutes to actively isolate yourself from everyone else. And perhaps (through gritted teeth!) accept that now and again your to-do list can be done with another person silently sitting in the same room.

YADNBU. Your daughter knows your routine, knows how important, well essential, it is for you wellbeing so she was the unreasonable one! She’d had days with you, she’s 23 not 3 she can cope with waiting half an hour, can’t believe the responses saying you rejected her, how dramatic!

I think you aren't unreasonable, but I'm sure your daughter isn't either. if you want to understand more you would need to discuss it with her, if your relationship allows that.
This is just the process of knowing people better.

YANBU. Mine are teens and toddlers, they can meditate with me at 6-6.30 or they entertain themselves during that time.

Sometimes being a good mother means doing exactly what you need to do, whenever you need to do it.

I personally think that teaching my boys to respect that I am a person in my own right, with my own needs, is an invaluable lesson.

She's 23, spent lots of time with you this week and knows why you need that time. It is not unreasonable of her to ask if it would be ok to read alongside you, but it would be ridiculous for her to be "deeply hurt" that that wouldn't work for you.

If you have someone gravely offended your adult daughter with this, it would have to be part of a bigger issue.

Some of these responses are completely bonkers - we're talking about a grown adult here, not a child. Unless there was some kind of major emergency, there's absolutely no reason she couldn't wait half an hour to speak to her mother.

Please don't worry OP - it's not selfish to want/need half an hour of peace and quiet to yourself before tackling the day. Your DD should be more than capable of understanding that by now.

She may have thought that sitting reading with you was a good compromise?

Have you done this for a while & does she know how important/necessary it is for you or does she think it's something that you enjoy but is optional?

YANBU, OP.

In the kindness way, I think you’re now overthinking this.

Your DD is an adult. You spent all week with her and just need 30 mins meditation to start the day. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

To those who think i am selffish

this is what i did when ahe was here.

Messaged and asked what treat foods she would like me to go to shop and get for her

made her room pretty. Snacks and treats in it

took time off work

took her for wine

took her shopping

watched tv with her

cooked all her meals

made sure she didnt have to do anything

listened about her job , her life , her mates , her plans .
( of course)

j am
not saying that i should not do theses things but i am highlighting that i did soend quality time with her

You didn’t do anything wrong @Alwayspeckish

OP has ADHD, she spends half an hour alone in the morning organising her thoughts.
Her whole family knows she does this.
Her daughter is 23.
There is no rejected and sobbing 4 year old in this story.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I'm more interested in why your daughter decided to try to join you without discussing it with you before hand. I think you could have asked her if she needed something and then told her you would come and find her when you were finished.

Do those saying the OP could have changed her routine for one day think that she can just decide not to have ADHD whenever she chooses? It doesn't sound like there was any emergency so there was no need for her daughter to unilaterally decide to change her mum's routine

What was she like for the rest of the day?

did you stick with the plan to go out for food afterwards?

MoreChilliesPlease thank you …
its just when people are saying ive rejected .. i feel anxious .

Is it just you and your daughter or do you have a partner?

if the latter, what’s his take?

im guessing the rest of the day was difficult if your posting about it days later

If it's an established routine I see no reason why she would be upset/ offended.
Try not to overthink it!