About daughter .. ? Small thing ! Seeking to understand!

[Alwayspeckish]

Hi, please bear with me .
i have a neurotypical issue and as such I can sometimes fail to understand things .

each am i sit in a certain room of our house and I meditate as well as just sit and prep for the day including a list of to do s .

my whole family know that and it makes life much more organised

dd been staying for us for a week .

we have had days out , coffees out , watched tv together at night . I am saying this to show that we had literally most hours with her .

on the day she was due to go , i was in the room as per every day . She came in and said can i sit with you .

i am going today.

we had plans in an hour to go and have b fasr out .

i said no i just need this time . She didn't say anything and just sat there .

i said well i need time so i will go to another room for half an hour .

i know that she may have wanted a chat but we had planned to got out and she knows about my condition .

i expected her to say , just in this instance ,, oh ok mum i will leave you to your routine. See u in half an hour . She knows its a thing .

but she didnt so i got up .

Does
anyone think she may be angry that i have this routine.. like i have no right to it . Yea its in a communal space in the house but there are two other reception rooms .

i know she wanted to be with me . I also know we had the rest of the am together , it was just my daily thing .

i have a good job .. its little things like this that i struggle to understand .

You're not selfish. Ignore the martyrs who think you should devote every waking second to your adult child.

Needing time to yourself is normal. It's healthy. It doesn't make you selfish in the slightest.

Wow people on this thread are harsh!

OP has a morning routine in her household, she needs it to stay well. It takes 30 min. Adult daughter is aware of routine and OP wasn't rude in maintaining her perfectly reasonable boundary. What is the problem here?

My morning routine involves a shit and shower. And I want to have them in peace. I have told my much younger DD to be patient and wait until I'm done. Bet people don't think that's unreasonable. This lady needs just a tiny bit more time to face the day. (adult) Kids need to respect other people's perfectly reasonable needs. Their mothers are not doormats

OP you didn't do anything wrong! Have a lovely last day with your DD and don't feel guilty.

YANBU.

FFS OP I don't know you like your daughter does and yet I can see that this is a very small and reasonable request.

Your daughter is 23! All this "oh you rejected your daughter, she's really hurt".

What a load of pathetic balloney.

Please don't feel guilty. You had clear reasons for wanting half an hour to yourself.

Then she has the nerve to say you look stressed!

I think your routine sounds amazingly sensible and you have every right to have firm boundaries. We are always on about boundaries on MN and you have put them in place. You should be congratulated not made to feel guilty for making an adult child wait half an hour.

Perfectly reasonable request.

You need your half hour, do not feel selfish for it. Prioritising this time means you will have more quality time with dd later. It is essential if it helps you so much.

If dd was obviously upset or needed to talk i would postpone the 30 mins but absolutely fine to ask her to read elsewhere. I would feel self consious to meditate in front of others too.

I think you have shown your dd you care for her a lot with all the other time spent together. She won't feel rejected for 30 mins alone time that she knows you need (even if she doesnt understand the reason).

I think the issue was .. she wanted to squeeze extra time with me .

in my mind that half hour sets me up for the day and makes me a better person

i think its guilt that i put myself first here .
i also think she didnt realise how much it helps and that sitting with me wd impact on it .. so i need to tell her that and be clear .

what i dont get is when i said no id rather you dont do that and so if you do i will need to go else-were to have the time .. she didnt say ( just for this time only) ok i will let u have the time mum .

i was worried she was cross due to this .

anyway .. what this has highlighted is that i do spend time with her . And also that i feel uncomfy at putting my needs first . And that i need to learn about this !

I think you have a need to meditate alone.
She, an adult, had a want to be with you.

Needs trump wants. You were perfectly reasonable.

No wonder people are pondering why there are ‘no adults in the room’ or a generation of ‘snowflakes’

If an adult child (presumably no additional needs) can’t manage an hour on their own without mummy that’s a very sad state of affairs

After major trauma I’ve needed much more self-care and yet the world at large & even family have still had this selfish ‘woman must be at beck & call to all and sundry and never take even 2mins to herself lest someone needs her to look for sthg, cook sthg, clean sthg, or service/entertain someone’

FUCK THAT

You deserve your routine of self-care OP, with or without a doctors note ffs, and by modelling self-care to your DD you are doing her a good deed, so no need to feel guilty.

There may be reasons why the OP’s bedroom is not a suitable meditation space for her. And it’s her home. She’s entitled to claim any room in it as a private space while she is meditating.

I think many people need some quiet time in the morning to plan the day. I know I do. I make lists and put stuff in my calendar. And I don't have any conditions. Surely a 23-year-old can understand that.

Lately, so many posts on MN suggesting mothers should give up every minute of every day to be with their DC, like the mum equivalent of surrendered wives.

Wow people on this thread are harsh!

It's not harsh it's spiteful batshittery. When Germaine Greer said women have no idea how much men hate them she forgot to mention the women who hate other women.

To put the boot in when someone has expressed a vulnerability and been honest about the challenges they face reading situations is just fucking vile.

I think that a lot of mums would do that though if they could.

Does she appreciate it or expect it though?

Does she expect a "drop everything for her" response when she visits?

OP, don't fucking worry if she is cross. I wouldn't give it another moment's thought. Just go out and have breakfast, and behave as you normally would. No need to fall over yourself apologising.

This

You didn’t do anything wrong.

She didn’t do anything wrong.

Its just a miscommunication/ lack of knowledge.

She just wanted to spend as much time with you on her last day as she could and felt sitting there reading her book in silence would be ok.

You need that time to yourself so you can cope with everything else life throws at you and you can’t do it with someone in the room.

Both is ok.

I would just forget about it and move on.

Next time do it in your bedroom and do it early so she thinks you’re still asleep or tell her you’re doing it and don’t want to be disturbed.

@Alwayspeckish
Why don't you just ask her?

it is ok to have a sanctuary but it should not be a reception room. Should be a teeny tiny corner of your own bedroom and your husband should be supporting that, not your kids. They are kids and have right to both develop empathy and feel at home. This is the point of having home

If this was unusual for your dd I would be concerned that there was something playing on her mind, that she was looking for comfort or reassurance or something. Maybe she thought that this quiet time would be the easiest to get whatever was bothering her off her chest, doing it at home in private is much easier than in public when out for breakfast.

Mine are only teens, not adults yet but I can usually tell when they are sniffing around me because they are bored or when they are there because they want to talk about something and something like you describe would set my senses tingling.

She's 23 not 13! They've spent loads of time together.

1 hour that the OP clearly needs isn't a rejection!

Ah here come the surrendered parents. OP, ask for this to be moved to Parents of Adult Children. Because this is going to make you feel worse?

For what it's worth, you seem to do an awful lot for her.

meh she's an adult, you have been doing it all the time she is there.
You could maybe have phrased it better

(I need to have the start of my day in peace, since WFH and DH retiring he has no idea because he always left the house before me. We have had to have The Discussion about not barging in on my quiet breakfast, and after a few months he has finally got it)

You didn't do anything wrong OP. She's 23, more than old enough to understand when you say you need half an hour to yourself. You didn't "reject her", FFS!

Even when my DC were young, they understood that when I said 'right I'm sitting down to chill for half an hour with my coffee and a book', that they should play by themselves for a bit. DC don't need entertaining 24/7, and 23 year olds most certainly don't!

I'd be annoyed at my mum if I visited and she rejected me for peace and quiet, just have the time out later. My dd is autistic, I get the need for routine but I have worked with her since she was tiny so she wasn't rigid like this, the world needs flexibility

Quite!

And we're talking adult DC here not toddlers

If she was living with you I’d understand your frustration more but she was visiting you. Yes she could have been more sensitive to your requirement of morning me-time but it is so set in stone you couldn’t move it to later in the day when she’s gone back to her own home?