I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

This sounds familiar! My dd off to Glastonbury, has been before and to loads of festivals so not novice. Long discussion about whether she should bring a rain jacket. I said yes as light to carry, could just leave in car, it might rain.
she was very cross with this suggestion particularly the leaving in car s it could take hours to go get it. I ended up saying I didn’t actually care either way and do what she wants but it took 30 mins of discussion to get there!!

I agreee. My heroines were strong and resourceful often fighting the system a bit . Remember reading Eat ,Pray ,Love a few years ago and giving up after the second or was it third time of crying on the bathroom floor . This is not because so am strong I’m frankly a bit of a wuss myself ! but I do think we celebrate victimhood rather too much

It's coffee actually! And I'm not 'permanently offended' thanks...

Plus, I've already got s life...so let's play a game of Fxxk oxf ...you go first...

I completely understand what your saying. There is little left in the tank.
I have 2, 21and 19
I had emigrated at 22.
19 year old has had MH issues for three years . Covid has had a enormous impact on their generation. From a social and developmental point of view, it's been massive.
I never expected to be so heavily involved in the parenting side of things.
The cost of living crisis, renting etc is a real struggle for young 20 year olds starting out.
Things were so different when I was their age. I'm a 1969 kid. It's a bit like comparing apples and oranges.
Kids seem much younger for longer.
I struggled with menopause, HRT sorted that out.
Iv just taken a month 'off' and buggered of to for a month. Leaving husband and kids to get on with it.
It's the reset Iv needed. (I'm self employed)
I felt I was going mad at times.
This is setting me straight.
Good luck to you. Put your needs first sometimes. It's stops the resentment.

You can’t pour from an empty bone dry jug.
The only area we can control is self care.

I love you too!

Why be so immediately available? You are making it much harder for yourself. Follow LaurieFairyCake's advice and get your life back and let them live theirs. It's not being less caring by letting them get on with it.

I feel the same but in a way think it’s my fault , always responding to texts at all hours of the day and night , jumping in to rescue them and give advice that usually they don’t want or need. . Lately I have tried to take a step back , I feel they will learn and become more confident and resourceful . It’s not easy but you need some time for yourself and not always be on call.

Just to clarify, I don't think parents should step back if their child has a severe mental health issue or something going on that needs serious attention. I said in my post my generalization won't apply in all cases.

I'm talking about parents who are over-parenting unnecessarily. It's bordering on enabling and has the effect of creating adults who aren't independent, fully functioning to the best of their ability and able to stand on their own two feet, but who would have been much better served by having to figure things out for themselves a bit more.

I live in a third world country so I guess I have a different perspective. There's way less provision and social support than there is in the UK, so people by necessity develop a much more resilient approach to life.

As a parent, I'm trying really hard to get a good balance between being warm, supportive and caring, but not doing things for my kids that they can do for themselves and not trying to fix their problems for them. I'm sure I'll get it wrong, but that's what I'm attempting!

Just wanting to know what right these two posters had to issue vile and derogatory comments about and to myself also via my personal message facility.

Not okay. Mods failing.

Totally get you. I’m a lone parent, my DD is 15, so she still a ‘child’. BUT, my DSs are 25 & 19. My 19 year old (lives at home) does nothing and I run around after him. My 25 year old lives in my late fathers flat which I inherited. He’s always out of work (agency work) so I am basically subsidising him living there. And then he’s borrowing money off me and coming round and eating my food because he’s got none. I know I’ll get it back when he’s working again but times are hard. I moved out at 16 and that was that, I was on my own. Times have changed. I think rents and mortgages are out of most young peoples reach, so they are staying put, where it’s an easy life. I love my children dearly, but I do feel like they lean on me way 2 much.

Anyone that really wants to see the damage in stats, it’s the lead story today in the telegraph. One in four in this age bracket have a mental health problem. Pre pandemic it was one in ten. Eating disorders up by 424% self harming similar. The article was so chilling to read it actually made me cry for them.

I say we take the hit and keep going if we can, supporting and helping them - my god it has been bad. We need to build in plenty of breaks and self care for ourselves and rope in everyone to help.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/06/20/lockdown-damaged-a-generation-sally-davies-inquiry-covid/

I say we take the hit and keep going if we can, supporting and helping them - my god it has been bad. We need to build in plenty of breaks and self care for ourselves and rope in everyone to help.

I agree. Cut our kids some slack and cut ourselves some too. I do know that there is a tough love type come-on-stop-whingeing-and-get-your-shit-together approach that I respond very well too and that has sometimes saved me from myself.

but it's knowing when to use that and when to listen.

And when to go for a walk or swim or get an early night. Kids don't know when they are catastrophising and need to sleep on a problem.

And obviously there are some kids that need a lot more professional support and sadly are missing out right now.

@helpplease01

”Kids seem much younger for longer. “

That phrase jumped out of me, and I think it’s so true.

Just wanting to know what right these two posters had to issue vile and derogatory comments about and to myself also via my personal message facility.

Not okay. Mods failing.

I've posted this deliberately twice.

It shouldn't have happened. And I'm calling it OUT.

Well, I feel awful today, because DD is in another country over the summer, switched off her phone, and is not answering my messages asking if she is ok.

I feel totally taken for granted. She most probably is ok, but how much time would it have taken to send a brief message? DH gets mad if I catastrophise or moan about her lack of consideration.

I just want to leave them all to it and bugger off somewhere.

@CharlotteRumpling

why does he get mad?!
it’s deffo not unreasonable to expect a quick text just to let you know she’s ok

I didn't explain that very well. So hot here that I have given up trying to function.

We have had such a tumultous time with DD that DH now just wants to pick his battles and lead a quiet life. Besides, it's of no use, because she always says she will do so and so, and never does.

However, I am going to bring this back when she gets back in touch, but not sure if it will have any effect.

Bring this up! Not back.