I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

Thanks @ssd I am still trying to find the balance. I certainly am doing a lot for myself. This summer I am going away with friends, as everyone at home can manage fine without me.

That sounds great, ive yet to do that and my eldest is 25!!! I can talk the talk but find it hard to walk the walk....

Thinking about teens to young adults now I have voiced my concerns many times about their reliance on mobile phones and the bombardment of all the social media apps. 99% are glued and I mean glued to these little devices to the point of addiction. They don't observe or engage with their surrounding environment to a normal or healthy capacity because they have their noses stuck to a phone. I mean in god's name how is it sensible to ride a bike down a pavement not looking where you are going? Or cross a busy road?

I work in a college and at break time most of the students cannot put them away, rather than chat to each other or do something else they will be scrolling.
It's reducing their ability to talk and have original thought. It's no wonder a lot of young people struggle.

Prior to reaching this age I observe children who don't play outside, except supervised. They cannot sit on a 10 min bus journey without the aid of a screen to entertain them. Again, not observing or learning from their surrounding environment. Most activities are organised by adults (which is great in moderation) so children are not allowed to develop independent thinking. Obviously there are many valid reasons for this, I'm not here to cast blame on myself or other parents.

Also agree with what others have said about the general confusion of life and everyone has to have some sort of 'issue' or want to be seen as different.

This is a very reassuring/ helpful thread to find. A bit different but I am exhausted caring for an older dc with severe MH issues. Back at home. I'm either in demand or hated. It's a horrible, stressful place. I get it wrong and am failing them all the time. But at least I don't feel quite so alone although you are mainly managing much better than me.

No, I didn’t have WhatsApp and texts. I emailed occasionally the 7 months one. Not so much the shorter trips as I didn’t have a laptop with me. My colleagues daughter obviously has a mobile and texts, but i would never expect an adult child to tell me if they were turning their phone off for a few days. Nobody should be required to be contactable all the time or apologise for not returning messages or calls quickly. It would be very good for all adults to have a few days out of phone time and realise the world spins on.
a text on arrival, a weekly text perhaps is what I’d really want from my adult children. More than I gave my parents, but times have moved on. They are busy exploring and living.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a text from a child travelling alone abroad - it's for their own safety as much as alleviating parental fears.
Wanting a check in text is in no way comparable to the mental load of bring expected to solve all your adult children's problems, or advise them in every aspect of their lives!

Personally I think there's something wrong with parents who could shrug their shoulders and just assume their daughter travelling alone abroad, was okay and not be fussed about hearing from them.

@CharlotteRumpling

focus on yourself! You matter too! Hobbies, seeing your pals, holidays etc. Just leave your dd to do her thing and you do yours!

@LuckySantangelo35 I totally agree, and I do a lot of stuff. I have been doing solo holidays for years; DH steps up and I return the favour. Never deprived myself. But my mind is often somewhere else!

Am going to the theatre tom on a last minute cheap ticket.

It is not about not being fussed from hearing from your children - it is about allowing them to spread their wings without having to think everyday -'shit, need to contact mum or she'll throw a wobbly'. Allowing your children freedom from their phones if they want is a gift that is the opposite of 'not being fussed'. Love is proved in the letting go.

In reality I have a teen (18) also travelling your dc will know how reassuring it is to keep in contact and that’s about being a considerate and caring person, not about tethering. A one line text to say they are happy and well or a photo of what they are doing is no hardship, and not a lot to ‘expect’.

We don’t stop loving our children when the clock chimes midnight on their 18th birthday. It’s a long process of letting go gradually. You will naturally feel more relaxed if you know all is well. For me this is entirely natural.

It is alo about that Mumsnet favourite - the 'mental load'. Having to remember to send that text, photo, Whatsapp every day regardless of what you are doing is a mental load. Regular communication - fine. Everyday or mum has a meltdown - needy and unreasonable parenting.

Every parent and their adult dc should do exactly what suits them. I have seen messages from my dc as mental load 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have never seen messages from my dc

Maybe you haven't - but they have! My point is you are putting a mental load on them.

My dd loves messaging me with her stories. I don’t understand your point. We are a very close family.

My point was for the poster who insists her adult child contacts her every day. If your adult child chooses to contact you, that is lovely. Would you have a go at them if they missed contacting your for a day or two? That is not so lovely.

No, not annoyed, but I would be worried as she has never travelled before and is a young 18.

There are reasons why some teens need more support and assistance for multiple reasons. I wouldn’t judge. Personally.

I would expect my child to take on the 'mental load' of texting me once a day while travelling abroad, to spare me the mental load of worrying about them! I'm sure they'd cope - if they're off travelling, they are hardly being buried under the weight of life's pressures!

^^This. Jobs you don't like / Uni being tough is unfortunately par for the course and an important learning curve. I was always told that rarely (if ever) is anything worth doing easy.

It sometimes feels as though we have a whole generation who expect to feel happy 100% of the time and can't cope with the natural curve balls that life throws at you.

A whole generation eh?

Nonsense

That's why I said sometimes...

Natural curveballs?

How many pandemics did you deal with as a teen?

Er, none

How many wars started in Europe that directly impacted you?

Er, none

How many winters have you spent with no heating inside school or at home?

Er, none

How many friends did you lose to suicide aged 15?

Your post is insulting, deeply offensive and you should seriously stop and consider the impact of your words before you vomit up such negative generalisations.

@GCalltheway you seem to know a surprising amount about me.

Plenty of recent generations have lived through wars and pandemics. Central heating is a relatively modern phenomenon. Deaths of friends is obviously tragic, especially when due to suicide, but again it is not a new phenomenon.

Life can be very difficult at times. That is to be expected, which was my point.

What does seem to be a new, developing trend is the different way that people are dealing with adversity when it arises, which was OP's original point.

This thread couldn’t have come at a better time. My dd has moved back home after finishing a long term relationship. I am throughly exhausted being her emotional crutch 24/7. She is an only child which means she has been used to me always being available for her. I think I finally meed to take a step back for my own sanity.

The only thing on that list I didn't experience as a teen was the pandemic. I was still a fully functioning adult at 18, having moved 100 miles away from my family and working full time. Soon to do third level education at night while working full-time.