Page 13 | I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

sallyfox · 19/06/2023 20:29

"Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring."

you've summed up my life perfectly!!!!!!!!

Willmafrockfit · 19/06/2023 20:33

GCalltheway · 19/06/2023 19:56

Yes op you need to transform into a nagging, judgemental trunchball that should send them scurrying!! 😇

i think that might be the answer!

that and

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 19/06/2023 21:01

I was quite ready to join in with the "young people these days" ranting but, honestly, I'm only a few years older than most of the adult children discussed here (27) and I can't relate to this behaviour at all.

I like to think I'm close to my parents, we certainly get on very well, but I'd have been given very short shrift if I was treating them as my personal taxi service/PA, whether at 21, 18 or any age really.

What sort of "emergencies" are these, OP? Because if it's really trivial stuff, then you need to tell them that they are demanding far more than they truly need of that you can reasonably give (for what sounds like fuck all gratitude). And I mean properly tell them, not just imply and hope they pick up on it.

I'm very grateful to my parents for the help they gave me growing up and I know that they'd move heaven and earth to help me if I ever truly needed it (as I would for them) but I'd be mortified to think I was exploiting that.

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 19/06/2023 21:11

Sorry OP, I managed to skip over where you said that it was relationships/ uni emotional support that you were struggling to step back from rather than really petty stuff.

Still, though, if they're throwing your advice back in your face, then you need to be clear that there's a limit to how much you can act as a sounding board for them.
I'm sorry though, it sounds like a very tough situation.

notagainfml · 19/06/2023 21:22

My poor mum just listened to her 43 year old daughter have an enormous rant and almost breakdown during our 40 min phone call

Sorry mum! Thanks for your advice and support though

dysongirl · 19/06/2023 21:23

I so get you 😀
Its a different world now.
At my kids ages which are the same ages as yours i had bought my own house married and had one of my kids

Caelan2018 · 19/06/2023 21:37

Oh I hear ya we have an 18 ur old he is as much work as the 3 younger ones together

Grrrrdarling · 19/06/2023 21:42

notatherapist · 16/06/2023 10:31

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

Sounds like they are emotionally abusing & gaslighting you! Tell them to grow up & sort their own crap out & no-longer be there for them, due to their childish & disrespectful attitudes, unless it is literally life or death!!

Macinae · 19/06/2023 21:45

I'm in my 30s and I definitely rely on my mam for emotional support, but our dynamic now is that she does with me too. We're eachothers sound boards. Most of the time we just want a listening ear and a vent rather than needing advice or answers handed to us on a plate. You could be frank with them and say I can't fix your problems but I can listen to you. When they talk to you about uni, work, etc are you sure they want advice or are they just venting? I rant to my mam about work but I absolutely am not asking her to fix my work issues.

MachineBee · 19/06/2023 22:22

jojo1067 · 18/06/2023 10:23

I left home at 21 and never depended on my parents either financially or emotionally after leaving home. I found my own way and at times it was tough but I saw myself as an adult. Just as well as both of my parents were dead by the time I was 30.

We need to treat our children as adults and encourage them to think for themselves whilst listening and being supportive. I will listen and give advice if they ask for it but decisions, and the consequences of those decisions, have to be their own. It does them no favours to not enable them to face life's challenges. Life isn't a bed of roses and difficult things will happen to them and they need to be able to deal with them, possibly alone.

A friend told me on Friday that her 24 year old daughter has gone on holiday for 10 days. She's looking after her dog so she's had to cancel all her social arrangements (including a theatre trip we've bought tickets for) and she's going to be doing a 3 hour round trip every two days to water her daughter's plants. Her daughter shouldn't be asking her mum to do this (what happened to arranging for a friend or neighbour to water plants, putting the dog in kennels...) but it's expected that my friend will do it. And my friend thinks this perfectly reasonable. I know she loves her daughter and she's doing it for that reason but she's doing her no favours in the long run.

I have no idea where I went wrong. I have a healthy adult relationship with one DD, with mutual respect and support going both ways.

But the other DD constantly whinges that I don’t provide enough support for her ‘like ALL my friends’ parents do’. I enjoy spending time with my DGCs but from the moment visits begin she just seems to revert back to being a teenager again.

I’m fairly sure know her friends’ parents don’t do quite as much as she claims. But when she comes out with ‘great’ ridiculous ideas such as I should retire to look after her kids, move nearer her to a smaller house and hand over chunks of money so she can work less, I tend to smile laugh out loud and change the subject. 😂

They are both in their 30s, married with children and good careers, have been raised the same and given the same support as they reached adulthood. Somehow one of them missed the memo confirming that she’s a grown up now and in charge of her own life. 🥳

ssd · 19/06/2023 23:21

You have the patience of a Saint @MachineBee . I'd be giving her short shrift.

crazeelala2u · 19/06/2023 23:34

I feel you and deal with this daily!

Flippingnora100 · 19/06/2023 23:41

Psychotherapist here. I think parenting has changed a lot over the years from providing the basics to our kids to wanting to smooth everything for them. The intention is great, but the outcome is that parents are doing too much for their adult children, who are not learning key life skills, resilience and confidence in themselves. I know this is a sweeping generalization and not true or applicable in all cases, but I think that generally as parents we need to try to step back a bit and let our kids get on with it more. We can be supportive without doing everything for them. Dynamics like this only continue if both people continue doing the same things.

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 06:16

Flippingnora100 · 19/06/2023 23:41

Psychotherapist here. I think parenting has changed a lot over the years from providing the basics to our kids to wanting to smooth everything for them. The intention is great, but the outcome is that parents are doing too much for their adult children, who are not learning key life skills, resilience and confidence in themselves. I know this is a sweeping generalization and not true or applicable in all cases, but I think that generally as parents we need to try to step back a bit and let our kids get on with it more. We can be supportive without doing everything for them. Dynamics like this only continue if both people continue doing the same things.

Many parents don’t have the choice if their young adult children are mentally unwell, suicidal, self harming, have EDs. It’s not a simple case of stepping back, and given the explosion of new cases you can see why it is feeding through.

HeadNorth · 20/06/2023 06:35

Flippingnora100 · 19/06/2023 23:41

Psychotherapist here. I think parenting has changed a lot over the years from providing the basics to our kids to wanting to smooth everything for them. The intention is great, but the outcome is that parents are doing too much for their adult children, who are not learning key life skills, resilience and confidence in themselves. I know this is a sweeping generalization and not true or applicable in all cases, but I think that generally as parents we need to try to step back a bit and let our kids get on with it more. We can be supportive without doing everything for them. Dynamics like this only continue if both people continue doing the same things.

This certainly seems the case from this thread. Posters are bemoaning the lack of resilience in younger people. Yet Mumsnet seems full of over anxious women who lack resilience. And on this thread alone, the desire to control and smooth every step of their child's life, refusing to be unavailable at any time, then complaining their children are in constant contact. It is mummy martyrdom and does young people no favours. And yes, I do have adult children, we have a great relationship. And I have a life of my own.

Forestfriendlygarden · 20/06/2023 08:40

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 06:16

Many parents don’t have the choice if their young adult children are mentally unwell, suicidal, self harming, have EDs. It’s not a simple case of stepping back, and given the explosion of new cases you can see why it is feeding through.

Show quote history

I'm a trained therapist too and yes, it is a generalisation. It's one that to be brutally honest annoys me to hell now. Therapy does not exist in a vaccuum, it exists in SOCIETY as you should well know.

Twelve years of austerity and more, CAHMS waiting lists and SEN shortage of specialist staff are the tip of the iceberg.

We've had school staff on mumsnet posting to say it was only when kids became suicidal that they got help.

Many of us have experienced a complete dearth of teachers anyway due to the recruitment crisis - and the headlines at the moment detail that even English teachers are leaving in droves. Home schooling in the pandemic - what were we supposed to do, leave them completely to it?

So yes, I guess as parents we could 'step back' in all areas - and leave young people to it - but many of us feel that would be irresponsible - as basic provisions in society no longer exist as they should.

I could go on, NHS dentists not available...it is on our backs as parents and mopping up after government failings is not something that most of us would have chosen to do...rant over.

yeahwhatev · 20/06/2023 08:43

I dunno I think every generation has its challenges. This one has it particularly tough with the pandemic happening just as they were launching off and total financial disaster. Older gens could at least get a secure job, save to buy a house etc, the younger ones are being pushed into dependency. Also how much have people on here relied on their own parents for childcare when the kids were younger? The stats suggest that grandparents have been holding up the economy through childcare these last 20 years - and it is HARD looking after little kids when you’re 60-70!! I’m also embarrassed to admit I still call my mum for emotional advice (as well as talking to husband, friends)… we are close but maybe it’s too much… although honestly I’d feel happy if my kids are still regularly talking to me as adults!!

GCalltheway · 20/06/2023 09:01

Forestfriendlygarden · 20/06/2023 08:40

I'm a trained therapist too and yes, it is a generalisation. It's one that to be brutally honest annoys me to hell now. Therapy does not exist in a vaccuum, it exists in SOCIETY as you should well know.

Twelve years of austerity and more, CAHMS waiting lists and SEN shortage of specialist staff are the tip of the iceberg.

We've had school staff on mumsnet posting to say it was only when kids became suicidal that they got help.

Many of us have experienced a complete dearth of teachers anyway due to the recruitment crisis - and the headlines at the moment detail that even English teachers are leaving in droves. Home schooling in the pandemic - what were we supposed to do, leave them completely to it?

So yes, I guess as parents we could 'step back' in all areas - and leave young people to it - but many of us feel that would be irresponsible - as basic provisions in society no longer exist as they should.

I could go on, NHS dentists not available...it is on our backs as parents and mopping up after government failings is not something that most of us would have chosen to do...rant over.

Show quote history

Exactly, a six month waiting list here for the most basic provision, much longer if there is complexity. The system itself is overwhelmed especially for children and adolescents. Many have to reach crisis before they will even be considered.

How on earth can any parent hope to step back with this backdrop? It would be irresponsible. Mental health needs much more funding and to be shifted to be a higher priority for the government.

Good mental health should be available to everyone. If your adult dc are in a good place of course parents should be stepping back, most do in my experience.

ListofSpades · 20/06/2023 09:11

footballdramas · 19/06/2023 12:40

This is a fascinating thread and I do think kids are often less resilient, although definitely not all of them.

If you look at the trend in publishing for Sad Girl Novels there is some kind of currency in mental health issues/abusive relationships etc that I don't remember growing up. Is it due to internet pornography? Or so much time online self diagnosing with personality disorders...?

What I would love to see is a trend for healthy, strong young adults having functional relationships and feeling hopeful - a bit more humour, perhaps....

^ Such an interesting post, a couple of original thoughts for me there. What I visit MN for (and sometimes the occasional humour).

Forestfriendlygarden · 20/06/2023 09:29

ListofSpades · 20/06/2023 09:11

^ Such an interesting post, a couple of original thoughts for me there. What I visit MN for (and sometimes the occasional humour).

Show quote history

Ah well, at least you got a laugh out of it eh? 😳

footballdramas · 20/06/2023 09:32

So yes, I guess as parents we could 'step back' in all areas - and leave young people to it - but many of us feel that would be irresponsible - as basic provisions in society no longer exist as they should.

I think this was possible not that long ago - psychologists were available, schools were functioning. I have realised in the last year that if my kids go under there won't necessarily be much help for them. The school has said as much for my young DC with regards to learning difficulties which have a knock on effect in self esteem.

So as much as I can I am trying to help him myself, getting him to talk, watching his diet, talking to him about friendships, coaching him etc. It's intense but I can already see him becoming disengaged at school due to missing that first year in lockdown and I'm worried for him.

Some kids were badly damaged by the pandemic and it's on parents to deal with that in many cases because there aren't the services there used to be. Where I live a whole generation of baby boomer teachers are about to retire, just as they need thousands more for the influx of kids from Ukraine.

It's a disaster. But there is so much a loving and engaged parent can do (and sometimes that is stepping back and giving them the confidence to do something themselves.)

Triptoqueen · 20/06/2023 09:33

If you spend your social time with others online, in the same age range as you, your experience of real life must be restricted.
I'm an oldie, I had jobs before going to college in shops etc where I mixed with all adults of all sorts, eye opening in some ways (rampant sexism at the time, some shocking scenarios). My DCs also got jobs with adults, supermarket etc.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be this opportunity now. so their world is much more limited to what you learn from screens, the internet. Which isn't real life. No idea how you solve this.

ListofSpades · 20/06/2023 09:37

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ListofSpades · 20/06/2023 09:40

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MrsRachelDanvers · 20/06/2023 09:42

I agree with the books-I grew up on a diet of brave resourceful heroines in my reading matter-think A Little Princess, Hansel and Gretel, wartime thrillers. So when things got difficult as a teen, those characters were inspiring. I remember reading Girl on a Train and feeling totally the opposite-I thought the heroine was a flaky wuss. I’ll never forget Nora Ephron’s maxim-Be a heroine of your life not a victim.