I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

Thanks for the thread OP, it's very interesting and I am with you on it.
I've got 2 very different, DD just finishing uni, 21 and does her own thing. Then I've DS 24 yr, mooching round house ( has applied for jobs) and needs a good shove and I stress a bloody good shove to do anything, driving me to distraction.
Feast or famine!

DD finally got back to me. Apparently she had her period, so switched off her phone. I am just so furious. She does this a lot, goes incommunicado when travelling or out for the night. I worry since the world is so unsafe for women right now.

How should I deal with this, oh wise ones? I have begged, pleaded, and ranted, with no effect. DH says I am wasting my breath.

Not guaranteeing this will work, however I had noticed the following with mine...

Rebellious streak my DD has (which I remember well at that age).
Also sometimes jumps to conclusions.

At first DD thought that I was 'trying to control her life'...

After a while I managed to get the message across that it was a 'health and safety issue' (as you point out).

i.e. spellling it out to them that if you have no means to contact them, if they went missing (I was graphic) especially in a foreign country, not only would you not be able to find them (worst case scenario) but if they were in difficulty you would not be able to help.

I recall times in my own life (and many of them as a single parent) when I have really wanted to switch my phone off, disappear off the planet etc...

However I haven't done so for the reasons that DD might need me.

Not saying that would definitely work, but message has got through to DD now in the main that I am not trying to interfere with what she does, that I am simply making sure she could contact me in an emergency (or the other way around)...emergency being she is hurt/missing from where she should be for a longer time, attacked....worst case scenarios etc.

Step back and let her be @CharlotteRumpling

If she's abroad there's nothing you can do anyway if something happens, she needs to sort it herself.

You are putting your anxieties onto her.

Personally I find it is much more useful to frame the whole thing as a health and safety issue.

That is not 'putting your anxieties on to her' it is being assertive and drawing your own boundaries.

Whereever she is in the world even after 18 she should have an emergency contact (perferably two) - another person aside from yourself just in case YOU - are ill and not contactable (which happens)...

That takes the onus off you.

It is absolutey and totally not 'putting your anxieties onto her' that is just such a thoughtless thing to say.

Oh, and this sounds obvious, but make sure if she hasn't already that her travel/medical/accident/lost belongings insurance is up to date and that you have a copy of the details and contact number.

Worst case scenario - if she fell ill and couldn't contact insurance company herself, someone else would need to do it for her.

I would have thought that since Covid and the pandemic we all would have more of an awareness of these things. Plenty of people were stuck abroad/at uni with limited help. It is wise to plan ahead!

Much sympathy, Charlotte. It's emotionally draining, and the low key anxiety/anger cycle saps the joy out of your days.

I think you need to explain to her very clearly that maturity means accepting responsibility, for herself and for others. As Forest says, it's simply basic common sense to check in regularly (ideally at roughly the same time each day) with family or a friend when you're travelling solo. If she doesn't want you to be the person she checks in with, that's fine - as long as you know that she's upholding the deal with a friend, and the friend has your number in case you need to be notified of anything.

It would be nice if she was mature enough to recognise that mothers worry about their offspring, whatever their age, and that by checking in with you every day it doesn't mean you're controlling or interfering, simply that you care (which she must acknowledge is a good and normal thing - you're not weird, needy or mad.) It doesn't have to be a long message, or any message at all, just an emoji will do the job. And replying to a text within a few hours is a basic standard of courtesy.

I think as young people many of us rolled our eyes privately at our mothers' need to know we're safe, but acknowledging that it comes from a good place and is something that we can we can accommodate with only the smallest compromise is a sign of emotional maturity. I certainly remember being irked by it (my mum had mh issues and was dependent on me long into my 30s) but knowing it was a small thing for me which meant a lot to her meant I shoved aside my irritation for the most part and found a way of reassuring her without it being too intrusive for me.

This may be a conversation to be had when she's home. It's great that she's mature and responsible enough to travel alone, but it seems like she still has some growing up to do in her attitude to others.

(Sorry if this sounds harsh - I'm sure your dd is an absolute delight! This is projected resentment on my part coming out...)

Well said C.

So the kids can’t win. They are a bunch of snowflakes too reliant on mummy. But if they try and their own thing without letting mummy know that is wrong and selfish too.

Step back & give your daughter some space.

Don't be silly.

They are becoming responsible adults.

Anyone who has ever been for a walk/hike up a mountain knows that you tell someone where you are going...and when you will be back...That is the responsible thing to do, even in the U.K.

If you don't do this and something happens you are wasting the time of the emergency services.

Going abroad is no different!

That's a huge oversimplification.

In my experience the radio silence isn't a sign of independence, it just means that they don't need anything from you (in the best and most likely scenario - though of course you don't know that it isn't because they've been spiked in a bar and have been dragged away by a sex trafficker...) A week of unanswered texts, and calls that go to voicemail, can often be followed by a call at 3am saying 'I've got a weird rash and I've run out of money. What shall I do?'

It's about laying down the framework of adult communication, and breaking away from the dynamic where 'mummy' isn't merely a support human, but a fully functioning person with emotions and needs of her own, which it might be nice to accommodate too. It's learning give and take, and to be considerate.

The thing is, most young adults instinctively are this way with other people, but have a blind spot with their own parents (particularly mothers.) As tiny children we wanted them to feel that we were always there for them and they could absolutely rely on us. But somewhere along the way there's a sliproad off that highway and onto a two-way street. Some are better than others at knowing when to change lanes (to take the analogy to its absolute limit!)

If I had clingy mum catastrophising when I don’t get in touch to her deadline, I’d back right off
to. It all goes back to my earlier point about helicopter parenting. Given your children space is not oversimplification - it is the bedrock of being a responsible parent.

Omg had to re read as thought I had written this!! I literally just posted on aibu on a very similar subject, thank you we are not alone, i get every word you are saying xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for all the responses. Just to clarify, I don't think I am being a clingy mum. I don't want to go into details on why and how, but DD is in an Asian country which is not the safest for women. Hardly helicopter parenting since I let her go that far!

I think I am being responsible as a parent in expecting her to check in each day and not switch her phone off. She has gone with a friend, and we also have some other contacts, whose numbers I have, and whom I would have checked with if I had not heard from her. BUT I also think this is a responsible thing even to do in the UK if you are back late or staying with a friend or whatever. Zara Aleena was killed not far from us.

I have tried explaining the health and safety thing to DD, and sometimes she will check in, and sometimes she won't. @CatherinetheAverage I think you have it bang on about emphasising to DD that I am not just a support human.

I don't myself have MH issues or anxiety. I travel solo in many dodgy countries; I have travelled alone in Thailand, China, Turkey, Sri Lanka.... What I do do however, is let people know where I am , because that is just basic consideration. DS gets this and lets me know even if he is in London.

I am going to have a talk with her when she gets back, calmly, and say I need at least a text or emoji. I don't need long messages.

I am going to have a talk with her when she gets back, calmly, and say I need at least a text or emoji. I don't need long messages.

For the rest of her life? I'm not sending a text or emoji to my mum everyday. Pre-mobile phones you would have had to cope.

It is hilarious that a thread started to moan about how needy young people are these days has turned into a moan that they don't contact their mum's enough. Do you not see the obvious irony?

No, not for the rest of her life. When she travels in dangerous countries where women disappear all the time. And, since she is living with me, if she is getting back late when the Tube has stopped. Fair? I don't see the irony because I do that for DH all the time.

Fair enough, if you were not posting to moan about your 'needy' child - you can't have it all ways.

I disagree with you there. If I am solo travelling or late in a dodgy part of London, I message DH to let him know where I am and keep my phone on as far as possible. I don't think that makes him needy. That's basic consideration/safety, and I think I can expect that of everyone in my family.

Go where ever you want to- I certainly do- but I keep people informed.

Well, something's gone wrong when, by your own admission, you've raised a child who manages to be both needy and unavailable. That is no reason for you to even consider self reflection on your parenting?

Having reflected quite a bit on my parenting, I think I am with @CatherinetheAverage when she says this: It's about laying down the framework of adult communication, and breaking away from the dynamic where 'mummy' isn't merely a support human, but a fully functioning person with emotions and needs of her own, which it might be nice to accommodate too. It's learning give and take, and to be considerate.

I don't want messages only when she is in crisis or needs help. I have another child who manages this adult communication, so....

Charlotte, im not meaning this unkindly, but you say you message your dh to let him know if you'll be late etc. You see it as manners, or kindness, or just consideration for others. And i used to do the same, until the day i didn't message and no one went looking for me. And i dont mean it in a bad way, but everyone else in my house just assumed i was fine, until they heard otherwise. And i was/am fine. But ive realised my need to know where everyone is and let dh know where i am stems from my need to know, not theirs. So ive tried to step back and go with the flow. They know mum's a worrier if i dont hear back from them but also they know when i eventually do hear im not angry or annoyed, i keep the chat light and open. I think it might be worth you trying the same tactics. You say you travelled a lot, you've obviously passed this onto your daughter. But whilst age and life have taught you how scary the world can be, at her age she just sees the exciting stuff and doesn't think to contact her mum. Or maybe shes fed up with the feeling she has to contact you out of obligation and shes digging her heels in.
Either way, id really try to look at things a bit deeper and remember what you were like at her age.

Also, you never get 2 the same. My dc1 will be married and forget to tell me. Dc2 will tell me the minute it enters his head. There's nothing wrong with either of them, its just how they are. Your other child is obviously more like you. Dont make your dd feel bad that she isn't.

A colleagues eldest went overseas recently for 6 months or a year, not sure. They saw her off, said remember we don’t need a phone call every day, and she got on her plane. I can’t tell what is meant by adult communication, but I do remember going away travelling to the opposite hemisphere for 6 weeks at 19 and phoning home once, and only doing very occasional checkins when away for 7 months at 21. My supportive loving parents who brought us up to be capable adults never said a word about this not being enough.

Let me think about what you say @ssd. I am not even sure that there is a right or a wrong answer. I feel like I muddle through most of the time. DH compartmentalises, if that is the word.

One thing I am going to do is make myself less available over this summer, as all of us have our own plans...

@Codlingmoths Did they have WhatsApp and texts when you went? I'd just like a quick text saying" Going to switch my phone off for a bit as feeling tired. Don't worry." Wrong?

Its not wrong to want this. But its not wrong of her not to do this.
I feel its my time of life to be a bit selfish and suit myself a bit more. Saying that, id drop everything in a heartbeat if they needed me. I cant change the habits of a lifetime overnight.
But i fully expect them to be a but selfish and self central at that age. I know i was. Not in a bad way, i loved my mum and dad, but id have been a bit concerned if mum needed me to communicate as much as you are wanting your dd to communicate. Its all about being proud you've brought her up to be a strong independent woman who is travelling and broadening her horizons. Let her be young and selfish. You get on with your own stuff as you say and im sure in the future, when shes grown up a bit and youve calmed down a bit (sorry) you'll both appreciate each other more.

And just remember, she's got all this to come when her kids grow up and start roaming the world, no one escapes it!!!