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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Ds 23 has come back home after moving out..need help!

179 replies

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:31

So my Ds is 23 with hearing issues and on autistic spectrum. He's always kept to himself and is very quiet. My dp moved in with us over 4 years ago and at times it was a struggle as Ds isn't easy to live with. He constantly makes a mess/eats all the food/makes a lot of noise in the night ect.. basically no concept that anything he does might effect anyone else.

Last year he decided to move 200 miles away to start a new life up by my family and temporarily moved in with my dad and siblings.
Almost a year later he was still on my dad's sofa and due to a fall out between him and my sister (her boyfriend is abusive to her and he tried to protect her) he's ended up coming home for 'a week' to let things calm down.

It should be lovely to have him home for a visit but it's been hellish.
Since he was gone my dp has taken his room as his own and we've got used to sleeping apart as neither of us are good sleepers.
So we've both had no sleep since Ds return due to having to share a bed again.
My ds is showing signs of being back for a few weeks at least now as he will have to get his own place up there and can't go back to my dad's. We are both working full time so surviving on no sleep cannot continue however not sure what to do. My dp has been awake since 2am and said he can't cope anymore.
We don't have another bedroom, I don't want to ask my ds to leave, we don't have anyone nearby who one of us could stay with. Also can't ask my Ds to sleep on the sofa as it's his bed and mattress my dp was using.
Help!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/05/2023 06:32

Your DP needs to move out while your son sorts himself out.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 24/05/2023 06:35

Can your room take two (smaller) beds?

TeddyBeans · 24/05/2023 06:35

I moved back home at least twice before I got myself on my feet. Your DS should be your priority here. He needs your support

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:36

@DustyLee123 there's nowhere for him to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:39

@MikeWozniaksMohawk I've always had the box room and my ds had the largest as he has so much stuff. No room in either to put another bed.
Could possibly squeeze a single in living room but having to buy another bed at the moment isn't affordable for me when it's something for a short term fix

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 24/05/2023 06:42

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:39

@MikeWozniaksMohawk I've always had the box room and my ds had the largest as he has so much stuff. No room in either to put another bed.
Could possibly squeeze a single in living room but having to buy another bed at the moment isn't affordable for me when it's something for a short term fix

When I moved back, I moved into the box room as my brother had been promoted to my old room. There's nothing wrong with sticking DS in the box room if it allows you to fit everyone. Get a cheap bed off marketplace for DS and keep the box room kitted out in case he needs to come home again in the future

Purplefoalfoot · 24/05/2023 06:42

Sounds more like a dp problem - maybe he can get an air mattress for the floor or move out. Presumably you coped sharing a bed for the time before your DS moved out.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:42

@TeddyBeans I think at his age it's time for him to start figuring things out for himself. He was only meant to be at my dad's for a few weeks but then has stayed on his sofa for almost a year. He's not looked for work or somewhere to live up there despite me repeatedly saying it wasn't fair to my dad to take his sofa for so long. My dad sleeps on the other sofa also so the kids all have their own room.

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 24/05/2023 06:44

Hmm if you’re confident it’s a short term visit, is there space for an inflatable/camp bed set up in the living room?

loobylou10 · 24/05/2023 06:44

So then tell him to move out - that seems to be the advice you are looking for.

TeddyBeans · 24/05/2023 06:45

@lonelylou09 I was 28 before I got myself sorted. Sometimes it isn't as clear cut as getting a job, finding somewhere to live and cracking on with life. I agree he should put more effort into starting to get himself together but he needs support to do so, not constant pressure that all he's doing is imposing on others

saltrocking · 24/05/2023 06:45

Might be a bonkers suggestion but it's worked for us in the past. My ds who was 20 at the time bought a second hand caravan and lived in our yard. We have a big yard and no neighbours on the side it was. Lived there for two years

DustyLee123 · 24/05/2023 06:45

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:36

@DustyLee123 there's nowhere for him to go.

Perhaps he can sleep on someone’s couch, like your son.

Ragwort · 24/05/2023 06:45

Where did your DP sleep when he first moved in and your DS was still living at home? It all sounds very chaotic... surely one of you will just have to sleep on the sofa .. or your DP finds alternative accommodation? SpareRoom.com?

Purplefoalfoot · 24/05/2023 06:46

The more you update the more sorry I feel for your son. You say he’s autistic- how much do you understand about that? 23 is very young to be pushed out the family home let alone if he is autistic and has hearing issues.

PaigeMatthews · 24/05/2023 06:47

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:42

@TeddyBeans I think at his age it's time for him to start figuring things out for himself. He was only meant to be at my dad's for a few weeks but then has stayed on his sofa for almost a year. He's not looked for work or somewhere to live up there despite me repeatedly saying it wasn't fair to my dad to take his sofa for so long. My dad sleeps on the other sofa also so the kids all have their own room.

The sleeping arrangements in your entire family sound odd.
instead of telling him what he needs can you help him achieve it. Be more soecific

GoodChat · 24/05/2023 06:48

It sounds like you need to prioritise your son.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:48

@TeddyBeans I've always had box room as at the back of the house and just have a king-size bed and drawers in here..that's all that fits. My ds has a double in the larger room but it's rammed with all his furniture he was keeping hold of to move with.

OP posts:
Clementineorsatsuma · 24/05/2023 06:48

lonelylou09 · 24/05/2023 06:42

@TeddyBeans I think at his age it's time for him to start figuring things out for himself. He was only meant to be at my dad's for a few weeks but then has stayed on his sofa for almost a year. He's not looked for work or somewhere to live up there despite me repeatedly saying it wasn't fair to my dad to take his sofa for so long. My dad sleeps on the other sofa also so the kids all have their own room.

Really? Your disabled son?

Lord help us.

rockingbird · 24/05/2023 06:49

He's your son, he has special needs, he needs your help. As a mother with two children both with Sen I can't believe I'm reading this.

Ragwort · 24/05/2023 06:50

Why are you prioritising your DP over your your DS? I have a DS the same age and, whilst of course he can drive me mad at times, I wouldn't choose a lover over my child. I had left home for Uni at that age but always knew I had a room at home to return to.

Dodo2023 · 24/05/2023 06:51

You and your partner are in the small box room and your son is in the big room? Can’t you swap rooms? How do you expect a 23 year old with no job or support to suddenly get his own place and survive? You need to keep helping him achieve these things and until he does make him feel like he has a home to live in.

mrsplum2015 · 24/05/2023 06:52

I don't understand who is paying what!

If your dp moved in surely be has available income from previously housing himself, which should be used to make appropriate changes to your house or to upsize to accommodate everyone.

My dp moved in with me and my dc keep their bedrooms forever (oldest is currently 18) as i am the primary carer and their dad has a complex living arrangement.

One of my dp son had moved back in with him temporarily (aged 25 no sn and not paying rent). Dp decided he was comfortable to no longer house him partly on the basis he had a suitable place to live with his mum. Had dp wanted to keep housing the 25 yo we would have moved to accommodate him but would have involved dp investing more capital and income than him just moving in with me. He has therefore given some of the capital to his sons.

Dazedandbemused0 · 24/05/2023 06:54

Your child needs your support. Your partner needs to move out. It would be really cruel to kick your son out, although I agree with a pp that you sound like you want to be told to ask your son to leave.

Todaypicard · 24/05/2023 06:56

You need to prioritise your son or your relationship may never recover. My husband is autistic and when he was 18 and went to university, his parents moved to an over 55s complex where they could not have guests to sleep over. He never recovered from such rejection and has barely any contact with his family now. Luckily I met him at 20 as he was about to drop out of university - he was living in absolute squalor. I’d also recommend you leave some more about autism and how it affects your son.

We are 15 years on now, and my husband is doing really well with my support.